


Enansal

by Randilee



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Concept Art Solas, Elvhenan, F/M, Mages (Dragon Age), POV Lavellan, POV Solas, Solas Angst, Solas Smut, Solas is Fen'Harel, enansal - Freeform, randilee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-26 04:41:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 89,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4990627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randilee/pseuds/Randilee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arianne Lavellan had learned not be surprised by much, as her life had never been on an easy path, but joining the Inquisition would reveal to herself the deepest corners of her heart. She would both find and lose love, and lose herself along the way. Her heart being pulled in so many different directions would leave her confused and more hurt. She may be able to wear the facade of happiness, but she would still never let go of the only love she felt would ever truly be real. Will her impetuosity ruin everything she cares about, or will it allow her to take for herself her desires?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enansal

**Author's Note:**

> This was written pre-Trespasser, so it was written going off of what we knew of Solas, the Dread Wolf, at the time. I wrote this to fill my curiosity about how different things may have been had Abelas left with them from the Temple and helped Inquisitor Lavellan. I ached for a somewhat happier ending, happier than what I imagined my poor Lavellan's life to be like after the Inquisition and after Solas.   
> I know what it is to love someone who you know you would never be able to move on from, to know that you would always compare anyone to them. So, in part I wrote this for myself as well. I truly put my very heart into this piece. I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> "If I were to live this life a thousand times over, I am convinced that I would still somehow find my way to you. Our love is like an unwritten law of nature, time nor life itself would dare stand against it."

# CHAPTER I

Returning to Skyhold felt oddly uncomfortable. Not only did I have to decide how I felt about losing Solas but I also had to face all of the comments and pointed questions. As if it was anyone else’s business. Skyhold was like home to me and the people there were like family, I suppose that their concern about Solas and I would only be because they cared. Some were just gossip mongers lingering on every rumor they could, like Vivienne and sometimes even Leliana. It had been hard to tell who my true friends were, and my trust was never placed lightly.

I had taken a couple days to return. I needed to be alone so I decided to spend the fortnight in Orlais at some grand hotel thinking it would make me feel better. Somehow the little cakes didn’t taste as good as they had in our previous visits, and Skyhold was also not the comfort as before either. With the sun sinking from the sky the courtyard was a shade of dark orange. The crowd greeted me at the gate with waves and well wishes, but my anger made it difficult for me to force a smile.  
I dismounted my horse and unconsciously headed to the only place that felt right, to Cullen. I walked quickly up to the ramparts with my arms folded into each other, as a chill had set over Skyhold. It was still winter in the mountains even though spring was thick everywhere else. 

I walked into Cullen’s office worried that he wasn’t even there. A single candle was lit on his desk, throwing a soft light around his desk but everything else was covered in pitch black. I walked towards the desk, my eyes adjusting to the light and saw him standing in the dark by the window, pensively thinking about something.  
The commander heard me approach and turned. “Arianne, I’m happy to see you’ve returned, we have much to go over. Are… are you alright?” I wasn’t very convincingly hiding my pain. That, or he just knows me well enough to know better. He started towards me with obvious worry on his face.

“Honestly? No…” I went and sat on the edge of his desk facing away from him, not wanting him to see my face, he could read me without me saying a single word. I also found myself wanting to hide my now bare face, free from the vallaslin. I had forgotten about it and had purposely avoided mirrors in the days previous. As with most of my personal problems, I ignored them hoping that they would just quit existing altogether.  
The vallaslin was not something I was comfortable explaining quite yet. I had lost what was a large part of who I was for a long time. Learning that they were slave markings in the time of Elvhenan shook me more than it should have. I could not blame the Dalish for ideals that they could not truly achieve, or myself for not knowing. Nor could I blame myself for what happened that night with Solas, as much as I had tried. I had searched for a reason why he would leave and I couldn’t find a single one, so I naturally searched my mind for some mistake I had made. It was easier to believe that I had done something wrong, than to believe that Solas had.

I tried to shake the thoughts from my mind. I came to see Cullen because I thought he would make me feel better but in the moment, the wound was cut deeper knowing that he had been right all along. He warned me that I shouldn’t trust Solas, ‘He’s too much of an arrogant ass to truly care for someone else.’ Cullen would say. I didn’t agree with that entirely but Solas did seem to be acting selfishly, and without reason. 

I hadn’t said a single word but Cullen rounded the corner of his desk to look me in the eyes. “It’s Solas, isn’t it?” My gaze fell, I couldn’t look at him. Was it so obvious to everyone else that Solas would hurt me? Cullen reached out and pushed the white strand of hair from my face, resting it behind my pointed ears. I think he was the only shem in the world who didn’t even notice, or seem to care. He cupped his hands around my face and pulled my eyes to meet his. “It’s okay to be hurt. You don’t have to pretend around me.” I knew I didn’t. I couldn’t if I wanted to. He would see through any facade I could try to put on anyhow.

I fell forward into his arms and allowed him to embrace me. I refused to cry, I felt guilty that he had been there the whole time, patiently loving and waiting for me to fall back into his arms, and here I was foolishly crying to him about another man breaking my heart. I could hardly stand up straight. He pulled me closer to him, tighter and for a second I forgot about Solas. 

But only for a second.

“I’m sorry, Cullen,” I said pulling out of his embrace, “this is unfair of me.” I turned for the door. I couldn’t take advantage of his feelings for me just because I was upset.

“Inquisitor…” His voice was urging me to stop, begging me to return to his arms, but I had already reached the door and disappeared through it before my heart could betray me. If I stayed near him any longer we would both regret it.

 

Descending from the ramparts in almost pitch black, there were guards speaking to someone at the front gates of the fortress. Moonlight and a couple torches were the only illumination in the otherwise blue dark. “I’m sorry, but the Inquisitor is not expecting you, I cannot just allow you entry.”

Walking closer all I could make out was a hooded figure. I had no weapons and no armor and I was weary of what an outsider would want at this time of night, as he certainly was no pilgrim. He lifted his arms to remove the hood as he saw me approaching, “Arianne.” His voice was the same deep calm that I remembered. I felt my heart rate tick a little quicker along with my pace to reach him.

“Abelas?” I excused the guards and walked closer. “I didn’t think… I thought that I would never see you again.” I walked faster than I should have to meet him and was slightly embarrassed by it. I reached him and was unsure of what my original intentions were, did I think to hug him? Did I make a fool of myself by running to him only to stand before him awkwardly uncertain of what to do? He didn’t seem to notice and met my enthusiasm with an equally eager look.

“It is good to see you. I am sorry. I should have known that it would have been best to join you. I am… proud and untrusting, but I realize now that it is unwise to be alone in a world so unfamiliar to me.” His tone alarmed me. It wasn’t a pleasant thought, Abelas finding his way through a land that has been changed so by the blight and at a time where war and rebellion ran rampant.

“I am only relieved to see you. I will admit I was worried for you.” He seemed surprised by my kind words as if he had expected me to be cold to him. “Come, let us find you some other clothes. I’m sure you need some rest.”

He muttered a relieved ‘thank you’ and followed me through Skyhold. “This fortress is incredible.” Abelas said, then continued to tell me how he eventually managed to stumble across a Dalish camp that knew of the Inquisition. They had given him a horse and rough directions on how to reach Skyhold.

He admitted that he had never seen mountains before, let alone a castle nestled into the side of one so tall that clouds hung beside it. Seeing that he had come from the Temple of Mythal I found it surprising that he should find Skyhold formidable. It did look beautiful at night with torch light illuminating the courtyard and soft tavern music playing in the background.

“We have thousands of troops here at the moment returning from the Arbor Wilds, there will be no quarters open. I should have our Ambassador look in to finding you a place for more permanent private quarters, that is… do you intend to stay?” I waited for a response. He thought for a moment and then nodded to me in affirmation. “I am glad of it, but for now you are welcome to stay in my quarters. I shouldn’t find myself sleeping tonight regardless, and I leave again in the morning.”

“That is kind of you. I thank you for welcoming me so trustingly.”

“What reason should I have to mistrust you?”

He responded with only a sweet smile and followed me up the steps.

Walking through the great hall, Abelas’ eyes were filled with wonder. How different Skyhold must have seemed to the elven ruins he had called home. The two of us received many looks of either curiosity or suspect as we walked through the main hall. Skyhold was like living in a small village, where anyone unrecognized who isn’t another soldier in the barracks caught attention. I caught Dorian’s eye just prior to entering my chambers. He raised his brows then winked, mischievous as always and no doubt examining Abelas’ ‘finer qualities’ as he would undoubtedly put it.

As we mounted the steps up toward my rooms, I heard Abelas stop. “Lady Arianne…”

I turned to face him, standing a few steps above him, which he climbed to reach me. He came very close to me and looked me in the eyes. I wasn’t sure if I was made uncomfortable or excited by how close he was to me. Until this moment, standing close enough to inhale his foreign scent, I hadn’t noticed how tall he was or that his eyes were an incredible soft yellow.

“I came to Skyhold because of you, because I couldn’t help but play your words over and over in my head… You were the last image of hope that I had after the temple was destroyed. I can’t help but feel bound to you somehow now. You drank from the Vir abelas’san, and are now a servant of Mythal just as I am. I don’t know… I thought that Mythal had called me here, but now I think that it may have you.”

“What do you mean that it may have been me?” I asked. The way he spoke with such confident fluidity and unreserved suave put me on the defensive.

“I have many reasons in which I have a hard time explaining, even to myself. Perhaps the best explanation is that I see in you a passion that I also share; a need to restore what was. I spent hundreds of years of my life fighting, clinging to what is now the past. You are… you are different. At the temple you spoke of helping the people and working together for them and creating a future instead, and I just…” He sighed then paused. Meeting my gaze he seemed flustered and stumbled around his thoughts, thinking of what to say. “Thank you for allowing me to stay to help.”

“Abelas… I want to do everything in my power to restore our people, even if only a little. The Dalish.. and the clan I grew up with, they believe that they live according to the old ways but they live in ignorance. Even their numbers are growing smaller and smaller, dying off with every bandit raid. I cannot stand by and let it happen, not when I have the power to do something about it. And those who live in the cities are made the scapegoats for everything, forced to live in the slums...”  
Abelas reached his hand to touch my cheek and I almost flinched away. His eyes and fingers traced where my vallaslin had been, as though he were wondering where it had gone but did not want to be rude in asking. His finger traced from above my brow, down by my ear, and then pulled away before reaching my lips. He paused and looked into my eyes. “Together we may yet find a way.” he said with his heady gaze unwavering.

I was surprised by how his touch affected me. I was intrigued by how he unthinkingly brushed his fingers in such an intimate way across my face, as though he had known me for longer than he did. I turned away from him nervous that he might see the curiosity in my eyes.

Heading up the stairs further I showed him the washroom to the right of the bed. He stripped off his larger pieces of armor and laid them on the chair in the corner. I told him to wash and then sleep when he pleased, as I would pack some items and most likely spend what was left of the night staring at the war table planning.

I gathered all of my belongings that I would need in the Emerald Graves into a large chest and set it at the top of the stairs. I walked over and lay on my bed to rest my feet for a moment as I could hear Abelas was still washing. I closed my eyes for what felt like a matter of seconds, but was awoken minutes later from a short nap by a noise. 

Solas climbed the stairs and rounded the banister, stepping out of the way of the trunks. He stood beside the couch unsure if he should come closer. Turning over the book I had lying on the side table, he eyed the title silently, The Pursuit of Knowledge by Brother Genitivi.  
I said nothing, hoping he would speak first. “I thought we could discuss our plans for the Emerald Graves before we moved out, as always.” he said.

I looked at him in amazement. Why would we be able to go on and act like nothing had happened? I hung my head with a sigh and it took all my strength to look him in the eye. 

“I know social normalities have never quite been your strong suit, Solas, but I assumed even you might know it’s not appropriate for you to randomly appear in one’s bedchambers after you’ve broken their heart. What is it you really want?”

“I wanted simply to talk. Setting a stratagem is how we have always prepared for these situations.”

“As was your doing, the we you speak of no longer exists, and I shall prepare for our departure as I see fit.” I was angry at him and wanted to be left alone. He gave me a pleading look and while I couldn’t yet forgive him, I knew it was best to keep things civil. “I’m sorry, I do not mean to be harsh. I am simply upset with you. You have hurt me seemingly with no reason, and I have so much else to think about. So much rides on my shoulders, I cannot afford to be distracted by this. And seeing you… it is painful to be near you when I want so badly to embrace you and know that I cannot.”

Solas shook his head and started towards me, his arms started to raise as though to reach for me, but then his eyes fell on the chair in the corner of the room. “Whose armor is that?” 

His face changed from thoughtful to a look of anxiousness. His eyes met mine searching my face for an answer, it confused me more to see how betrayed he was by the thought of me being with someone else. If he was offended so by the idea why then did he choose to end it? He had no knowledge of Abelas’ returned so whom could he possibly think it was? Certainly not Cullen, as he was aware of Cullen’s feelings for me but nothing more.

I attempted to gather my words and explain to him what really was happening, but failed to before Abelas walked out from the washroom wearing only a towel around his hips.

“Arianne, you had said there were clean clothes for me...?” He looked up from securing his towel to notice that Solas was present. I was dismayed by his immodesty and the words I tried to force out never came. Abelas spoke to Solas , excited to see another face he recognized. “Solas, my friend! I am glad to see you. I trust Arianne has filled you in about my decision to return.”

“No, she hadn’t mentioned it.” He glanced over at me unsure of what to think, no doubt to see my face flushed with red. I knew how this looked, and it looked bad. Regardless, I was also frustrated by his still present sense of entitlement after hurting me so severely. Solas turned to address Abelas in a facade of polite kindness, “I will leave you two to your… evening. Arianne, you should speak with Dorian of your departure. He had expressed an interest in going with you to the graves and I have found other things that require my attention. I shall see you when you return.” He turned and disappeared into the dark that shrouded the stairwell. 

I faced Abelas, verging upon tears. “I am sorry, that was…”

“What has happened between you and our Solas? I thought that the two of you were… forgive me I must have had the wrong idea.”

“No, you were not wrong. We were… I’m sorry I’d rather not talk about it.”

Abelas walked towards me, still only wrapped in a towel which made it hard to think about anything else. He was so confident and it didn’t bother him in the slightest to be nearly naked in front of me. He held out a hand to me and I took it unthinkingly. Abelas’ grip was tight as he spoke. “I would like if you would trust me, Lethallan.”

I wanted to tell him, to tell someone the extent in which Solas had hurt me, but trust was something I had never freely given. I cared deeply for all of my friends, and I turned to many of them for help but I rarely revealed to anyone the wounds that marked my heart. I had shown Solas more than most.

He spoke again, his kind expression offering for me to confide in him. “Come, let me pour you some wine. Perhaps a distraction is what you need most.” I watched as he strolled over to my desk and poured wine into the two goblets the servants had left, there was always an extra one for Solas. I would have to tell them to stop doing that. I went to my closet to collect the clothes for Abelas and held them out to him, trading it for the full goblet he offered. I was relieved to see that he actually took advantage of changing in the washroom, and I pondered on whether his boldness was due to difference in the culture, or if he was doing it to playfully bait me.

He asked me again about Solas after I had finished my second glass of wine. I decided to give in to his antics if only to keep him from trying harder to loosen my lips, as I worried I would not be able to win that dangerous game.  
“Solas just… ended it. With no warning, without giving me a single reason other than our relationship being a distraction.”

“And you still love him.” Abelas guessed, to which I nodded in response. “Well, as I see it you have two options… You either obsess over his reasons for calling it off and hold on to the idea that, whatever they are, that he might yet abandon them. Or your second option, and I would say the more attractive of the two; you dismiss the man for being a blind dolt whose stupidity renders him unworthy of you anyway… and you hold out hope of finding someone who might yet deserve you.” He spoke so matter-of-factly and straightforward, even though our acquaintance had been brief.

He was right, too, the second did seem the more attractive option. I was not the type of woman to pine over a man, and nor should I. If anything it would make me look weak to those inferior to me and I could not afford to look shaken.  
I wanted to thank Abelas for the reminder but I didn’t know how to put my gratitude into words that wouldn’t sound awkward or stumbling, so I hesitated. He recognized the change of my resolve and smiled at me kindly before a large yawn took over his face. Abelas’ eyes looked red with tired and I found myself uneasy with my own lack of sleep.

“I shall let you rest, I am sorry for keeping you up.” I told him.

“I would prefer you stayed, come sit and talk with me? I feel as though I have been alone for too long.” There was a masked sadness in his voice that I felt I needed to sooth, in any way I could. He walked to me and took my hand leading me to sit on the bed beside him. He had a way of making me feel comfortable, and I didn’t fight it. I arranged some pillows behind my back so I could sit up and my mind wandered of to my trip to Val Royeaux with Solas. We had taken a week alone together in the city to eat and enjoy the other’s company away from Skyhold. We brought back an entire caravan of goods we picked out together from the city to redecorate my room. He had wanted lush emerald linens and pillows for the bed, and yellow gold curtains for the windows. I didn’t argue with him at all, I had simply been happy that he had finally agreed to officially move his things into my chambers. I could have cared less what colours he wanted the sheets to be, I had been so happy. I almost had to pinch myself to bring my thoughts back to reality and back to the acceptance that I would be sleeping alone under these sparkling emerald-green covers.

Abelas lay the opposite direction with his feet beside me and his head down at the end of the bed, looking up at the mural painted above. He had plopped down in my bed as though it had been his home for a while, kicking his feet back and relaxing. Even in his tired state, he was so full of life and an animated temperament that kept me hanging on his every word. We spoke for a couple hours even though we were both beyond exhaustion. He told me of his parents and his life before becoming a sentinel, and asked me of my life before the Inquisition. I told him about the Dalish, but little about myself. 

Abelas reached out and squeezed my hand briefly and let it go just as fast. “I can’t express to you how glad I am to be freed from the temple. Of course, I am sad, the temple’s destruction is disheartening… but, I feel that there is much more that I could do here with you, Lady Arianne.” I saw him smile out the corner of my eye. “I am very glad of it.” His last words were soft, a sleepy whisper before his eyes shut. Not long after I found myself asleep at his side.

 

# CHAPTER II

I awoke to a knock on my door and had no idea what time it was but the sun had risen high enough for me to realize that we should have left hours ago. I lifted my head to see that Abelas still lay next to me, yet asleep. I reached my hand out to shake his leg, “Abelas, wake up. We should have some breakfast.” I said, unsure of the last meal he had even eaten, if at all. 

Abelas started to stir, and looked around as if he didn’t know where he was until his eyes fell upon my face. A gentle smile spread across his lips. He was astonishingly handsome for an elf. His white hair was braided down his back and shaven underneath, a tradition for honored warriors in Elvhenan. The vallaslin tattoos of Mythal etched their way from above his brow down the center of his nose and under his light yellow eyes. His strong jaw and high cheekbones look like they were chiseled from marble.  
I made myself look away from him as his smile turned to a smug shape. It was as though he saw my thoughts and it pleased him to know I found him attractive. Extremely attractive.

I was shaken by it and I stumbled out of bed towards the unanswered door. It was Leliana reporting before we left for the day. I tried my best to speak to her through the door half shut, ignoring her look of curiosity. “Thank you, Leliana, should you need me send a bird. We won’t be gone long.” I shut the door after watching her walk away with her glance over her shoulder. I didn’t exactly want it getting back to Cullen that Abelas and I had shared a bed together even if nothing remotely romantic had happened. I knew the two of them shared quite a bit and it was best if the rumors were kept to a minimum. 

Abelas and I both dressed ourselves and headed down to grab food before leaving. “Would you like to come with me to the Emerald Graves or would you wish to stay here and rest?” I asked, thinking that it might be nice to have him along.

He paused to think, giving me a sideways look. “You should only be gone two weeks? I suppose I could discuss plans to reach out to the people with Solas whilst you are away.” After our discussion it did seem as though Solas had decided upon staying, at least if the two of them were staying behind to make arrangements to speak with the clans then it would be somewhat productive. I gave him the idea to plan out restorations to old temples that the Dalish clans could make pilgrimage to. It would allow us to gain attention and restore the old ways of worship. He thought it was a wonderful idea and his excitement about it made me more comfortable with leaving him behind. He had only just arrived to Skyhold, and I felt bad about abandoning him so quickly.

Walking down the stairwell towards the great hall I realized that everyone would yet be eating breakfast. Meaning, everyone would see me walking from my bedchambers with some unknown elf at my side. I suppose it didn’t really matter. Not anymore.

“Ah, look who finally decided to wake up! I trust you actually got some sleep, dearest?” Dorian teasingly said, sitting at the head of the table we all sat at every morning. I hadn’t gotten any sleep but it was not due to what Dorian was suggesting. 

Whenever we were at Skyhold it was always the same; breakfast at our table with Solas to my right, Dorian to my left, Varric, Blackwall, and occasionally Cullen when he wasn’t fretting over training. Iron Bull and Sera generally weren’t awake the same time we all were, hungover from the night before. I would on occasion join them in drinks but usually regretted it and dealt with some probably well earned disapproval from Solas. He knew how I was when I drank and it rarely meant anything good.

This morning Solas was nowhere in sight, so I sat Abelas in his place at the table. I introduced him to everyone as Flissa brought us food. The fact that he was a thousand year old elven sentinel overshadowed any intrigue of my relationship to him, much to my relief. Everyone else had already eaten, with their plates left empty in front of them.

Dorian explained that Solas had urged him to come with me to the Emerald Graves in his place. “Rather insistent he was that I knew exactly when to cast a barrier spell.” Dorian scoffed as though the thought was ridiculous. He always hated when people questioned his magical ability, but in this instance Solas had rather been making sure that I would make it home safe to Skyhold. I could tell from his impromptu conversation with Dorian that he was nervous about me leaving without him. “He said that you always charge without thinking about your defense… I shouldn’t sound inconvenienced to travel with you, I am actually quite excited! Skyhold does get rather droll when you are off having adventures with your little elven muffin.” Dorian and his nicknames were almost as bad as Varric and his nicknames. 

Solas had obviously been drilling Dorian on protective spells knowing he wouldn’t be there to cast them. He and I fought so perfectly together, as if it were a dance. I would charge with lightning and fire and he would pull the leftover energy of my spells to cast barriers ripped straight from the veil, making sure I was protected. We knew each other so well that we could do it without thinking. I wasn’t sure I even knew how to fight without him. I felt horrible about the evening prior. Even if Solas and I weren’t together, he should know I loved him too much to move on just like that. I worried that I might never be able to move on.

“Abelas, you stay with Dorian and eat, I’ll be back shortly.” Abelas gave me a warning look knowing who I was going to find. Even after mine and Abelas’ discussion last night of acknowledging that Solas was a blind dolt, as Abelas had put it, I could not let go of a feeling in my stomach. I had a whisper of an instinct that Solas had come to speak to me about more than the just the trip. I knew Solas so well, and I could tell by his expression the night before that there was something he wasn’t telling me. There had been the whole time something he wasn’t telling me.

I had to speak to Solas, and I couldn’t leave while allowing him to think that there was more to mine and Abelas’ friendship. I searched the stucco room but he was not there, not in his chambers, and not on the grounds practicing with the mages. I asked around to everyone but no one had seen him in hours. Why would he just vanish?

Another hour passed and I realized that I could waste no more time in leaving for the Graves. I bid Abelas farewell and told him to stay in my quarters until some spare space could be found. I went to see Cullen in his office and we exchanged an awkward goodbye, with the memory of the last time we spoke still seared into our minds.

Dorian, Blackwall, Sera and I mounted our horses and departed on the winding road down from Skyhold. The weather was beautiful with the sun high, and I was hopeful that it would make the two days hard ride to the Emerald Graves a little more pleasant. My thoughts were with Solas, hoping he hadn’t rode off alone somewhere on horseback. The wolves seemed to be coming closer to the fortress. The sound of loud howling echoed through the mountain valley as we descended the hill. I could only hope that wherever he was, he was safe.

 

The couple weeks we had planned to spend in the Graves had turned into a couple months. We had secured an alliance with Fairbanks but not without killing hundreds of shem ‘Freemen’ in his name first. It had been a trying few months and all of us were not sorry to return to Skyhold. The Emerald Graves were now under the protection of the Inquisition and soldiers were stationed in every corner. The small amount of refugees that remained were safe as well.  
I was made glad that Abelas did not come, it was hard enough for me to walk among the graves of the fallen elvhen knights. To him, they may very well have been men he actually knew of, and if not it was an even greater reminder of how far his people had fallen. Our people. I told myself that I would bring him here when all of this was over so that he may take time to walk, pray, and hopefully heal. 

Leliana had sent word about Solas knowing that I had been worried for him. I didn’t thank her enough for her subtle friendship. She had no information on where he went, but only knew that he returned to Skyhold a week after we had left. She asked if I wanted her to look into it more and seemed suspicious herself but I sent no reply. 

Blackwall and Cole had become less hostile towards each other, I wasn’t even aware Cole had come with us until we set up camp and he appeared. “You would have said no. And there is no one to help at Skyhold, I can help here. You.” Cole had said. He was concerned for me, my pain was more obvious to him than it was to the others. Cole could hear every pained thought that passed through my head.

Sera and Blackwall were easily becoming good friends and Dorian was as always a true comfort to me. He outspokenly said everything we all were too afraid to say, and knew when a tasteful joke was needed to lighten the mood. He and Sera still had their disagreements but that was to be expected.

Word came from Cullen, and he was concerned for me since it had taken us so long to return, also, most likely because I had been avoiding his letters and had never responded. I felt a weird guilt whenever I spoke to Cullen or wrote to him. He had been protective over me with Solas, warning me multiple times that he didn’t trust him but I had simply credited it to our history together. I thought that he was just being protective over me, like a friend would. He certainly left no indication that he wanted to be more than friends after what had happened way back at Haven. He had almost avoided me and it left me feeling betrayed. Cullen had been my first, and in the days after leading up to the closing of the breach, he treated me as though it meant nothing.

I should have known that guilt and self-blame were the emotions which Cullen was most familiar. I hadn’t told him that it was my first time. We were both drinking and took little time to stop and talk about the situation. My virtue meant little to me because I knew I would probably never marry. If I went back to my clan, I would be made Keeper as I had been our Keeper’s first and it was frowned upon for a clan’s leader to take a spouse. I had no restraint about giving away my innocence to Cullen, but later I had no doubt that when he awoke to find the stained sheets he had chastised himself for not having more control. I realized later that this was the reason he had hardly spoken to me after, but at the time I only saw it as an indifference towards me. 

Solas and I had for some time at Haven, enjoyed conversation with the other. He would drop little charismatic comments and for the most part I ignored them, it was hard for me to believe that Solas might actually have an interest in me. Regardless of my enjoyment of Solas’ company, my head was still wrapped around the imaginary relationship I had with the Commander. Cullen had never spoke of it or even tried to discuss what it meant for us. I was angry with him for a while and I did everything I could to rid my mind of it.

The Commander and I avoided each other for a time. I was annoyed by what had happened and how he had reacted. Not long after arriving to Skyhold, Solas took me with him into the fade in a dream. The man was beyond any person I had ever experienced. The way he spoke, the way he carried himself; it was a grace from a different world, a different time. I was captivated by him for reasons I didn’t understand. He was older than me, but I didn’t mind. I was still so attracted to him. In conversation I was usually left feeling like a child after listening to the effortless way he poured out knowledge about any topic. I was hesitant to show him how much he affected me, thinking it impossible he could even begin to feel the same way. I was left in shock of his confession. “You change everything” he had said, almost sadly. The look of confused despair as he turned his head away left me with the urge to do anything to change his sadness to happiness. I turned his cheek to leave a soft peck on his lips, and pulled away. I lost my balance and my thoughts entirely when he wrapped me into a much more impassioned kiss. Even in the fade, it was made clear to me in that moment that I was entirely vulnerable to Solas. I was shaken to the core, to my bones, with how different he was from anyone else. I knew then, just as I know now that I would compare any man, for the rest of my life, to him. 

Cullen had the day following expressed to me how shaken he had been when it was unclear whether I had made it out alive from Haven. He told me that he would never let me put my life in danger like that again. I said little, unsure of how to react to his confession. Nothing prior to that had shown me that I was anything more to him than a drunken night in bed. I didn’t know at the time that he was wracked with guilt, but I was rather annoyed that he took so long to express his hidden feelings to me. It was too late at that point. 

After rumors had started to circulate about Solas and I, he acted like a sad puppy around me. I cared about him, but not the way I loved Solas and I refused to let anything drive a wedge between us. Had he attempted to talk to me in Haven and told me that he cared for me, I might yet belong to Cullen. It’s possible that Solas and I would have never been more to each other than friends. I wasn’t sure if I was happy about how things had worked out, or sad. I was crushed over Solas, but would I take it all back if I could? Loving him had changed me, and I don’t think I could ever regret it, regardless of how painful the memory was now.

Reading Cullen’s letter as I sat at a camp in the Emerald Graves made tears well up, and their presence in my eyes confused me even more. 

Arianne  
Please do send word from the Graves, I have been very worried.  
We have received report from Leliana’s agents of your success  
but I do wish to hear from yourself how you are faring.  
I know the Emerald Graves is not the safest place to be at the  
moment and I would be happy to travel there myself, should you  
require any aid. I truly felt more reassured when Solas was with you  
regardless of my general distaste for the man.  
At least then I knew there was someone who would protect you at all  
costs, as I would myself.  
Cullen

 

Our dealing in the Dales were, for the most part, finished which meant that we could pack up our camps and head back to Skyhold to plan our next move. We all sat around the campfire enjoying our last evening in the Emerald Graves before leaving for home. It was such a majestic place. So much elven culture still lived here in the crumbling and overgrown ruins, the colossal trees grown from the bodies of fallen elven knights, and the Dalish clans scattered in camps across the hills. It all allowed a small glimpse of what once was.

It was odd that spending so much time in a place just camped in tents would leave you feeling attached to it. Maybe it was the idea of the height of Elvhenan, the fallen empire of the elves, that intrigued me so about this place. I couldn’t even imagine a time where elves were immortal and magic was as common as breathing. 

Dorian had caught some fish for dinner in the river with a new spell he had come up with and he was very excited about it, as was made obvious by the shrill shout of glee heard from the direction he had wandered off in. We were all very grateful for a dinner with something other than dehydrated oats or nug meat which was an all too common occurrence at mealtime. 

The night sky had grown dark but our faces were illuminated by the fire pit in front of us. It brought me so much joy, sitting here sharing stories with each other. On this evening, we had all been sharing mischievous things that we had done when we were children. In these instances I generally sat back and listened, not wanting to talk much about my childhood, but Sera and Blackwall were urging a story from me.  
“Knowing how you are, all fired up and stubborn-like, you had to have been a naughty kid.” Sera said jokingly.

Blackwall cut in, with a hiccup from his wine, “I can’t imagine you as a child, you’re just too… ‘Inquisitor her royal highness-y’, we need at least one story so that we know you’re actually human.”  
I tried to not take offense to Blackwall’s words, but also couldn’t think of a time where he had probably seen me unlaced and having fun. It was my own fault for being so serious all of the time. “I can’t see you as a child Blackwall, you’re much too ‘beard-y’, and for the record, I’m not. Human that is, actually an elf if you hadn’t noticed.” I teasingly pointed out trying to get out of the story telling.

“Oh we noticed…” said Sera. In response to everyone’s unimpressed looks I gave in and began my story.

“Alright… there was this one time when I was a child, my clan was forced to camp in Ferelden because our Aravels were in disrepair. The clans were to meet a few weeks following for Arlathvhen,” seeing confused looks on their faces I explained Arlathvhen to them, that it was a meeting of all the clans that happened every ten years. I then continued on with my story, the only one I felt comfortable sharing. “...so a couple of other clans were travelling with us. There were so many more of us travelling together than there usually were. Our keeper had instructed the children to stay with their parents or ‘the dread wolf might snatch you up’. He said it as a warning to scare us into behaving. Well… I didn’t have parents so I was especially scared and I took the keeper’s word as truth. Later that night a little human boy from a nearby village came to sit out on the dock across the bog from us. I was curious about him and swam over to meet him. As I got closer to him I dove under water, hoping to scare him. I jumped out at him and he was so frightened that he fell over into the water! His little blonde head was soaked as he flailed around trying to see who had scared him. When he saw me he screamed ‘Savage! A Savage has gotten me mumma!’”

Sera laughed a little more than I thought appropriate at him calling me an elf savage. I continued as she loudly belly-laughed and slapped her knees. “So… I slapped him across the face as we both still bobbed in the water and he looked at me in terror. ‘I am not a savage!’ I had told him. ‘But you are! You eat people!’ he yelled at me.”

Again, Sera was all but rolling on the floor. “I couldn’t help but laugh and he thoughtlessly asked why I was laughing at him. I told him that I wanted to be his friend and we could play together. He dove out of the water and took off running away from me. Well… Our yelling caught some attention, and as the boy ducked into the woods just below the village, a wolf stepped in front of me with his teeth bared. In my little child brain I thought ‘oh this is it, the dread-wolf come to eat me’ and I was so upset with myself for not minding. The wolf lunged at me and I yelled at it, releasing some sort of magical energy. The wolf was flung back, thudded against a tree and slid lifeless to the ground. I went running back to my clan’s camp yelling ‘I killed Fen’Harel! I killed the dread wolf!!’. My clan looked at me like I was completely demented.” 

Everyone around the fire rolled in laughter at my animated story. “So there you have it, probably the only interesting story from my childhood, where I thought at ten years old that I had killed a god. It was also when I first found out that I was a mage… so pretty significant day for me.” I laughed with them and realized that it was actually nice to share some things about myself. I had left my life before separate from this, locked away in a box hidden somewhere in the hopes that it might fade from existence altogether. 

After that we called it a night and went to our tents to sleep. The next day would be long and tiring as we trekked back to Skyhold.

I sent ahead word to Cullen of our return, and crossing the bridge to Skyhold he was standing there waiting for me. The second I had dismounted my horse he had wrapped his arms tight around me. “I was worried for you.” He whispered. It surprised me to receive this kind of attention from him. I knew Leliana and probably all the others stood and watched as we embraced but I didn’t really care. With my eyes shut and my head resting on his shoulder, I was overwhelmed with the pleasure of being home again. We had been gone much longer than I had hoped and I would have to leave my undecided feelings for Cullen to be determined at a time when I was less exhausted. 

I broke away from his hug thinking about Solas and how we hadn’t spoken since the night Abelas had come. It had been over two months and I was worried that it would be too late to even try to discuss it. I walked away from Cullen, offering him a slight smile hoping that it allow him to forgive me for leaving his side so quickly.

Bull greeted Sara and I with an invitation to meet him in the tavern, and I said I would consider it and meet them later. I couldn’t focus on anything until I spoke with Solas. I searched for his face among the crowd. It wasn’t until I looked toward the main tower that I saw him. He was standing at the top of the stairs, looking down at me. He smiled, barely; enough for me to know that he was no longer upset. 

I pushed my way past the crowd of people. “Inquisitor! Welcome back!” I tried to politely respond to everyone but an anxiousness was growing in my belly. I briskly walked up the steps and stopped just a few feet from him.

“Inquisitor.” he not called me by that title in a very long time. I was used to ‘Vhenan’ and the change of his tone had me off guard.

“Abelas and I, it’s not what you…” I tried to explain.

He cut me off and his expression faded to a softer shade. “I know. He has explained to me the manner of your friendship already.” He said somewhat distantly, then sighed. “Forgive me, I will never let you leave Skyhold without me again.”  
“Please.” was all I could manage to mutter. He gave me a nod and turned to walk away.

It wasn’t enough. I had imagined our reunion so much more satisfying than this. I tried to think of something to say to make him turn around and continue our conversation.

“Ir lath ma, Solas…” The words slipped out without thought of their implication. I had missed him so much and I wanted to speak to him more. He slightly turned his head over his shoulder to acknowledge what I said but nothing more. The air caught in my lungs and I felt as though my chest was going to cave in from disappointment. It was unbearable to watch him walk away, then it just faded to dark red anger.

I thought on Abelas’ advice. If only I was as confident as he was, I could then maybe move on without regret. Regardless, I should have known better than to force things with Solas. We would find our way together again if we were supposed to, and I felt in my heart that we had to. I could lie to myself about the other men I could move on with, but deep down in my core I knew that I would forever be wounded by this.

I could hear Bull and Sera yelling for everyone to grab a round. I was reluctant, knowing that I should probably join them but also knowing the kind of hell they always raised. At the same time, Solas and I were no longer together so did it really matter? Maybe I needed to feel alive for once. 

To feel like nothing was holding me back.

“Shit… here goes.” I said under my breath, reminding myself of Varric. I had probably spent too much time around the Dwarf if I was starting to talk like him. As I started towards the noise of the tavern, I gave in to the possibility of fun that I more than likely was deprived of. Hell, even Cullen was joining in the drinks and I refused to miss that.

I walked over to the Commander who was standing outside of the tavern talking to Bull and I put my arm around his waist. He looked over at me so sweetly, so surprised by my touch. Cullen’s expression gave away that it was exactly what he wanted, but what he had never expected. He had a way of making me feel like I was special, such the converse of my conversation minutes ago with Solas.

“Glad you could join us boss.” said Bull with a huge smile, handing me a shot of something that was sure to be horrible. Cullen gave me a questioning look, probably because he was just as aware as I what happened the last time we were drunk together. I looked him dead in the eye and threw back my shot not looking away. He gave me a sly smile and threw his back too. 

Oh how things had changed. My whole world was different, I felt like a different person. I was confused about whether or not that was a good thing.

Sera ran over and hooked arms with me, and pulled me away from Cullen and inside to the tavern to take the “shot of honor”. She always did this when something good happened; a soldier saved some people, we killed a dragon, or any successes we had in the field really. Generally she would give them to ‘the little people’ and not one of the ‘upper ups’ but tonight she was extra enthusiastic about me making an appearance. She made me stand on the bar and handed me the shot. “To the Inquisitor for kicking ass, and taking names!” She cheered brightly.

I held up my glass to the crowd and took the shot. Everyone cheered as I threw the shot glass to the ground and jumped down. I heard the grumpy dwarven bartender curse, “I suppose I have to clean that up.” I just laughed his comment off, and made my way through the crowd. Soldiers, Bull’s men, and other workers from around Skyhold were congratulating me on our campaign in the Graves. 

Abelas surprised me from behind, resting a hand on my lower back as I was in the middle of a conversation with Krem. I smiled up at him when my fear was removed that it was instead some random drunk wanting to dance with me. The two of us danced for awhile and it was nice to be around someone who was so easy to talk to. I could actually let my guard down around him and speak honestly of my thoughts.

Josephine had yet to find space for him and I extended my offer for him to share my rooms. I told him to ask the servants to put a bed up on the loft for him. He seemed happy with the arrangement and even more ecstatic that I had returned. Few people understood Abelas’ nature and he found comfort in the fact that I did. Admittedly, I also enjoyed his company and it was a nice feeling to be needed by someone. It seemed like I was the only one he ever let his guard down around completely, and that made me feel special. I knew it was silly but I treated it as a sort of honor that he should trust me so openly. He had made other friends, particularly the other Dalish agents and he had become acquainted with Dorian in the last hour as we all danced, slightly drunkenly, together. Sober Arianne would have blushed at the scene.

After a few dances and some shots encouraged by me, Abelas seemed to be hit by a painful headache and he retired for the night. I worried that it had been brought on by my urging of the hot and potent alcohol, but he assured me that it was something he dealt with often. He refused to let me tend to him and leave the party early. Dorian had ran off to dance with Bull, so I stood at the bar gazing around for someone I knew.

My eyes searched the crowd and then fell upon Cullen. He was leaning his shoulder to the inside of the door frame of the tavern as though he wasn’t entirely resigned to stay. Our eyes locked and I held up my glass to him, then tilted my head to the side as an invitation to join me. He shook his head mischievously and smiled with a tinge of that nervous, adorable charm. I signalled with my finger for him to come closer but he continued to shake his head. It frustrated me more than it should that he didn’t simply come take me in his arms and pull me to the floor to dance, like I knew he wanted. The way Abelas had. I gave in to his shyness and walked over to him. I reached out my hand and the second he took took it I pulled him tightly to me.

Grinning, he said, “Are you positive we should be doing this?”

“No, not at all.” I admitted, grabbing a bottle of wine for us to share from the crate by the door, then led him into the tavern full of people. For the remaining hours of the night, we held each other close worried that the mass of people dancing might break us apart. We didn’t leave the other’s side until he told me goodnight at the door to my quarters.

 

# CHAPTER III

Abelas had been spending a lot of time sitting at the desk in my quarters writing with the curtains drawn. His headaches would come and go but when they stayed they were hard for him to bear. He would sit and write in elven for hours and when I inquired about what it was he was writing he would give me little information. I was aware that I could easily peek at them when he was out of the room, and I could understand enough elven to get the jist of what he was writing but I would never wound his trust like that, however unknowing he might be.

I tried my best to provide him with company when I wasn’t busy and I had come to expect and ignore his incessant flirting. Even when he lay sickly on the couch with his headaches reading a book, he would still make sure to fit in a sideways glance accompanied with that smirk he always wore. That, or he would mutter a comment under his breath knowing it would make me blush. He always looked to make sure, he would glance back at my face hoping that his frivolities had made my cheeks change to a shade of rose. He would turn his head away to hide his smile once he saw that he had been successful.

I wrote off the gestures in my head, knowing that it was simply in his nature to act that way. He had made a point to flirt with every woman in Skyhold simply because he could get away with it. Everyone credited it to the fact he came from a different culture but I knew that it was simply how Abelas was. He enjoyed knowing he had the ability to affect people, to have a certain degree of control over a person for the sole reason that he was charismatic and handsome. I knew this because I was the same way. I got some strange satisfaction knowing that I could talk my way into or out of anything. Neither of us would ever admit it outloud but it was true.

It was for this reason that I didn’t understand how he could bring a blush to my face. I wasn’t accustomed to anyone using my own tricks against me, the same tricks that he used on all the other girls. Just like the other women, it made thoughts of him flutter through my mind that shouldn’t. I didn’t want him to affect me in that way, especially knowing that I was probably no different to him than all the other women. Our implicit friendship had already been established by conversations of my feelings for Solas, and even Cullen, yet he still insisted on the coquetry and flirtation. Perhaps it was because it was harmless. Maybe Abelas knew it wouldn’t go anywhere so it was even more attractive to him, and he could flirt with me without fear of being pulled into any sort of obligation. At least that was what I told myself to keep any sort of expectations from forming in my thoughts.

It was easier for me to dismiss his comments when they were harmless flirting, but every once in awhile he would say something that would stick, more so than a backhanded compliment about how he preferred a smaller bosom. I was never sure if he actually meant that as a compliment or not. 

On occasion, something he said would give me the impression that it wasn’t meaningless teasing. On an evening after we returned from dinner, Abelas was fixated on my relationship with Solas and had mentioned him multiple times that evening. While I was away, apparently the two of them had become well acquainted and Abelas began to consider him a friend. I wasn’t sure whether he was digging for information out of curiosity, jealousy, or if it was all something he would run and tell Solas later. He didn’t seem like the kind of man who would do such a thing, but I was still determined to keep any weakness hidden from Solas. I still knew so little of Abelas, regardless of how much time we had already spent together.

I also had to wonder if his questions about Solas and I weren’t prompted out of the desire to know whether or not I still thought about my ex-lover.

After dinner, he had sat down at the desk while I carefully folded some of my gowns into a trunk, so not to wrinkle them.

“I noticed that you changed your bed linens, well… not just the linens but the entire bed actually, you removed the four poster frame and everything…” Abelas said with that tone of curiosity that usually meant nothing good was coming.

“And…?” I said, not wanting to give him much more to go off of. I didn’t look up from my gowns and hoped that he would get the hint.

“I simply thought it strange. You went on and on about how much you loved the colours you had picked out, only to order that every last pillow be removed from your sight last week. There’s more to this than sheets…”

“That doesn’t mean I want to talk about it.” I said matter-of-factly. I was trying to keep a level head because I didn’t want to snap at Abelas, but I also didn’t want to be reminded of the bed Solas and I had shared together.

I heard the leather chair squeak as he adjusted himself, trying to find a more comfortable position. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I just want you to know you can, if you need to…” He paused for a second and I felt his gaze on the back of my head waiting for a reaction from me. When none came he continued, “I want to be here for you.” Abelas’ last sentence sounded as though it was something he had been wanting to say for a while. It was different from his casual flirting, more thought had been put into it, as though he had thought for some time on which words to fit together to make them come out right. I was hesitant to respond so I said nothing but turned to him and offered a kind smile. He smiled back more brightly than I expected, then looked down at the desk and fidgeted with his papers nervously. It was so unlike him to appear shaken by me. I was usually the one shaken by him. This new vulnerability allowed me to see him in a different way. This Abelas was different from the cocky, arrogant flirt he generally was.

“I much prefer indigo to emerald, anyhow.” He said innocently of the new colours I had picked, and for some reason it struck a chord of humor that left me unable to hold back my laughter. It was adorable how he offered his opinion regardless of whether or not anyone had welcomed it. He was pleasantly surprised that he had brought such laughter out of me. Abelas was trying so hard to make me feel better, but he had no idea how. His criticism of Solas’ choice of bed linens was no doubt for my benefit, and while it was silly it was easier to laugh about it. Abelas had definitely been trying hard to teach me to laugh, and so far he had been successful.

 

The next week passed by slowly. Mostly my days were spent in the war room planning with my advisors or helping the mages train. Cullen and I had started spending more time together and it took my mind off of everything else. We would occasionally take short horseback rides through the mountains close to Skyhold and I grew to look forward to them. Our time out in the mountains together was a peaceful reprieve from all of the other pressures weighing on me. When we left Skyhold it felt like we left all of the stress behind, and Cullen and I became just some man and some woman, not the Inquisitor and the Commander. It made me imagine how different life might be if the two of us weren’t in the Inquisition, if we had met on a city street or if my clan had moved close to his village and we met in the woods. Would things be different between us then?

His presence was calming and I found that when I was with him it was easier to keep Solas from my mind. I was thankful for his friendship, as it forced me to see that the people who wanted to be in my life would make sure that they were. 

I had grown up hearing stories about true love and soulmates, Dalish fables of what love should be like, but I had always had a hard time believing them. Even as a little girl I knew that love was never effortless like that, and that sometimes life got in the way. I think that some loves face the unfortunate end of circumstance, where sometimes the person who you love the most passionately is the one that you will never have a fair chance to be with. Such is the fickle face of reality outside of story books and happy endings.

Cullen and I were to meet one afternoon to take our horses out. I was in the garden that morning planting seeds and tending to the rare plants that needed more attention. I had a small bonsai tree planted in the middle of the garden atop a square block of stone with depictions of the elven gods carved into the sides. I wanted a memorial at Skyhold for the elven killed in the Exalted Marches. Anyone in the chantry knew so little about the elven gods that they wouldn’t even notice. I had been trying to trim the bonsai and paint over the stone with gold before I showed Abelas. I had done it mainly as a gift to him and I wanted it to be perfect.

I was intently painting on the accents of gold to the stone while concentrating on trying not to fall into the stream that went through the middle of the garden. Thinking that I was alone, I was softly singing a Dalish song. “Tel’enara bellana, bana’vhenadahl, sethen’ a ir san’shiral, mala tel’halani…” and not hearing anyone approach, I jumped at the sound of a voice.

“So I see that you’ve decided covering yourself in gold paint would be more exciting than racing me through the woods.” Cullen said jokingly.

I looked down at my clothes to see that I had been more heavily covered in paint than I had thought. “Cullen, I’m so sorry! Is it already that late?” I really had no sense of time and should have known better than to throw myself into a task when I was supposed to be somewhere.

He gave me a sideways smirk. “I don’t think I can forgive you, not for this…” He said teasingly faking his anger with thick sarcasm. He eyed a bucket on the ground and before I could react he poured its contents over me, dousing me in water.

“Cullen!” I screamed as the ice-cold water soaked my clothes through to my skin. He stood a few feet from me trying not to laugh and also trying to determine if I was actually angry or not.

I stood there dripping and I purposely distorted my face as though I was about to cry.

“Oh, no no… I didn’t mean to…” Cullen hurried forward to comfort me, worried that he had made a mistake. His face was filled with pain at the thought of upsetting me. He reached to pull me into a hug as I used my magic to slap him with a wave of water from the stream.

Cullen scoffed heartily and looked at me with disbelief. 

“Oops…” I said with a sly smile. I took off at a run knowing he would find a way to drench me again. The grass had puddled with water and squished under our feet. He chased me twice around the garden, bounding over plants and humorously trying to trick me into running the wrong way as I stood across from him, a small hedge in between us.

I tried to dodge him but he grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder. It amazed me how strong he was to pick me up like a was some delicate twig. I suppose I was compared to him. He spun us around, making us both dizzy before collapsing to a cool patch of grass not soaked by water. We were both laughing so hard that our stomachs were beginning to hurt. I rolled onto my side to face him as he lay on his back looking up at the clouds, still catching his breath.

“You know, I’ve always been afraid of water.” Cullen began. “When I was young, I had snuck out of my house… my sisters had ganged up on me. They convinced me I was adopted or something, I’ve told you how they were… anyway, I had decided upon running away. I didn’t get very far, only to the dock by the lake, but I was scared nearly to death by some other child. I fell into the water and thought I was going to drown. I never ran away again though.”

I laughed and then thought about his story more, “Wait… Cullen, who did you say scared you?”

“I didn’t. But it was some Dalish child… wicked little thing.”

I smiled at his last words, and the sound of bitterness in his tone. The small blonde boy was Cullen, and I was the reason that he had his whole life been afraid of water. Thinking back on the memory made my head spin, I had met Cullen years ago and didn’t even know it.

“I had wondered if that little boy had survived after running away into the woods, I guess now I know.” I said with a giggle.

He paused for a second, taking in what I said. “That was you?!” he exclaimed with his face lighting up. We both sat in awe discussing what a weird set of circumstances had brought us together that night fifteen years ago, and what weird circumstances had brought us together now.

“I’m sorry I called you a savage, my manners have improved somewhat since then.” His lips always formed into an adorable smirk when he was being sarcastic.

“Somewhat.” I said joking with him. “I suppose I was quite spirited wasn’t I? I wonder what happened to change that.”

“Oh, that spirit is still there.” he said looking at me adoringly. I couldn’t help but think that the little boy’s innocent, suspicious charm was still alive in Cullen, too.

We walked out of the garden and into the main hall, heading to change our clothes. Both of us were still dripping with water, and everyone stared at us with questioning eyes. Cullen told me goodbye and I agreed to not be late for our horseback ride the next day, even though I was glad I had been late today. Cullen had showed me an unexpected side of him, the side that could have fun, laugh, and surprisingly enough… take my breath away.

I turned to head up to my quarters, meeting Solas’ eyes briefly as I passed him sitting at a table reading a book. I looked away as quickly as I could and tried not to think about the tense expression on his face as he examined my water drenched attire.

 

I cleaned up and then met my advisors in the war room after getting a note that Leliana had received word about Corypheus. Cullen had yet to arrive, but Leliana started debriefing Josephine and I on the news that Venatori scouts had been settling in thick in the desert to the west. It was curious for them to want anything to do with such wastelands, let alone occupy multiple camps there.

“My dwarven contacts informed me that there are many ancient dwarven ruins there. It is possible that Corypheus suspects to find something of value…” she paused as Cullen walked in, now dried off and in fresh clothes.

Jokingly he said, “Excuse me for interrupting, Leliana, there was a slight mess I had to clean up. Our revered Mother was most appalled that the garden had been somewhat flooded by persons unknown. But no matter…” He looked at me with a sly smile, then lowered his head still smiling.

“You’re in a good mood commander.” Leliana said suspiciously. 

“Yes, I quite suppose this is what a good mood feels like.” he said quickly, then continued with, “You were saying, Leliana, about the… erm, Hissing Wastes?”

We deliberated for an hour or so about the Wastes and then moved on to the subject of Corypheus. None of us had any idea what to do next. After returning from the temple I had only heard soft whispers from the Vir’abelasan, most of it an old dialect of elven that I couldn’t understand. I had struggled to pronounce what I had heard to have Abelas translate but he couldn’t make anything from what I had remembered. I was probably butchering the pronunciation. Abelas had begun teaching me the difference between the old dialect and the one that the Dalish spoke, hoping I would understand more of it. I dismissed Morrigan’s rude assumption that she would be able to understand more of the spoken elven. I couldn’t write it but I had grown up speaking it where she hadn’t.

The advisors and I adjourned our meeting and I considered staying behind to speak with Cullen, but Leliana’s glance suspiciously passed back and forth between the two of us so I decided against it. 

He and I had always rushed things without thinking first. For his sake, I needed to take a step back to determine whether I actually had feelings for him or if he was just a sweet distraction from my broken heart. If the latter were true it would not be fair to him. I told myself that I would need to refrain from the long horseback rides alone with him, the water fights in the garden, and abstain from any ounce of alcohol in his presence, as well. Just to be safe.

Every now and then I would hear voices in my head from the Vir Abelas’san. They always started out quiet and grew louder as if sneaking up on me from behind. Abelas had brought me to the courtyard to practice new, or rather very old elvhen spells. They were similar to the techniques that I had been taught but they were more powerful because they pulled more heavily from the fade.

“Abelas, have you ever seen Solas fight? He uses this exact technique. I wonder where he learned it?” I asked curiously.

“Possibly from spirits of wisdom in the fade? I have no idea. That man is like a book of secrets.” Abelas responded with some ill-concealed resentment in his voice towards Solas. It confused me to hear him speak of him so bitterly and I wondered if something had happened between them recently to change their friendship. Whenever Solas came up in conversation he changed it as quickly as possible. I thought it was probably best not to ask.

“Try again, this time not so much force. Unless you’re purposely trying to kill me. Who would read you bedtime stories then?” He said sarcastically and then gave me a wink. “We just want to get the technique mastered first, then we can use more power.”

I readied myself to cast the wind spell when the voices from the well hit me louder than ever. I fell to the grass beneath me as images flitted through my mind and blurred my sight. It brought with it excruciating pain, like needles were being forced into my head. Visions of a weathered, vine covered altar appeared and then disappeared, then was replaced with jumpy images of a path leading to something. Mythal herself spoke to me, she was telling me how we would get to the altar through a path in the Arbor Wilds, not far from the Temple of Mythal.

I came back to consciousness and found myself being held up by Abelas. He supported my neck with his arm and looked down at me, his white braid draped over his shoulder. “Are you alright, emma lath? Can you hear me?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” I said, struggling to catch my breath. “I think… I think I know what we need to do next. But Mythal herself spoke to me, not just the voices from the well, Abelas. I didn’t even think that was possible, did you?”

“I’m not sure, I guess it is somewhat possible. Your connection to the well does bind you as a servant of Mythal now, but she would need a source of power… a large source of power to speak to you herself. Are you positive that it was her?”

At first I was proudly defensive against Abelas’ skepticism but before I spoke I reminded myself that he knew more of Mythal than I did. “She spoke to me by name, and she showed me an altar that she referred to as her own.”

“I hadn’t thought of it… Of course, the Altar of Mythal. The veil is thin there… Maybe she wants you to contact her directly?” He knew what I was talking about the second I mentioned it, which made me feel better about actually finding the place.

“Would she show herself physically?” I asked trying to sit up and support my own weight but failing. Abelas pulled me back into his arms and my head rolled weakly onto his shoulder. I was so dizzy.

“You should rest, each vision I assume is pulling magic from the veil and disrupts the balance of magic in your body. It’s a different story entirely if she is pulling from your own source of magic. Pulling even just a little too much could be very dangerous.”

“You mean it could kill me?”

“Yes. As with me, if the magic that held me to the temple pulls too much it could be damaging. If it doesn’t have enough power behind it… also damaging. Thus, in truth it is another reason I did not come with you directly from the temple. I thought that once you had drunk from the Vir’abelasan that I may no longer be held by the magical capabilities as I had been for so long. I thought the spell Mythal had used to sustain me might have an expiration date of sorts. I was afraid, I didn’t want to go with you and leave you to deal with… the effects of the spell wearing off. But the world outside of the temple was so very different from before, and I had not a clue where to go. I didn’t want to travel too far from the temple, I thought it might be worse the further I was. I didn’t know how much time I had… I had wanted to see my parent’s graves one last time. I went there and I waited, but nothing happened.”

I thought briefly on his words and came to understand what he meant. “You went there to die?” my heart sank thinking about Abelas travelling alone to the two graves, waiting for death to find him. I wish I could have been there to comfort him. “But what of it now? That’s why you get the headaches isn’t it, Abelas? Do you believe that you are still in danger?” Any worry for myself disappeared and I was consumed with the fear of what this might mean for him. He had been having the headaches for weeks and had only just told me this now.

His sullen expression frightened me and he recognized the fear in my eyes. He quickly threw on a smile and reassured me, “Do not worry for me, Da’len. I will be fine and there are much more important things for you to worry about.”  
“Well, that’s not true. Do you not think that I would lament your death? Do you not think it would shake me?” His face changed when he saw how hard I was taking the news he had just delivered. He seemed surprised that I would be so upset and it appeared to pain him more. The thought of losing him now, after he had become a friend to me was unbearable. I told him that I would do everything that I could to ensure his safety. Why didn’t he tell me this before?  
I hadn’t lost anyone particularly close to me since the beginning of the Inquisition. It was no wonder why people thought that we were ordained by Andraste herself, or some god, whatever the people out there believed in. I immediately asked Leliana, Vivienne, and Solas to look into the issue. Hopefully someone could find some answers, for both our sakes.

When I walked into the rotunda, I found Solas painting another scene. He seemed happy that I had come to see him, but once I began speaking and asked him if he might know anything from the fade that might help Abelas he became cold towards me. Solas seemed unsurprised by the news and I realized soon into the conversation that Abelas had already told him. He had nothing helpful to offer, and he seemed put off that I would even come and ask him. 

“I’m sorry, but I was under the impression that you and Abelas were friends, would you not want to help him?” I asked impatient and not wanting to waste anymore of my time skirting around whatever spat the two of them had.  
“We were friends, yes. Until I inquired about his intentions with you. He proceeded to tell me that it was, in fact ‘none of my fucking business’.” He explained frankly.

“Well, Solas, it really isn’t your business, but don’t pretend that you hadn’t said anything rude to warrant such a response from Abelas. He would not say that to you without cause.” I told him curious as to how he had riled Abelas up so much. I knew earlier in the courtyard that something had happened. “Why do you care what his intentions are, seeing that you have so willingly tossed to the wind any claim you had over me?”

“I simply would not have him treat you in the manner he does others. He toys with women for sport. I would not allow him to do that to you.” Solas’ face concealed whatever thoughts stirred in his head. His emotions were well hidden behind his stone cold expression.

“I’m fairly certain I can handle myself, Solas.” I was so confused by him. I couldn’t make sense of his outburst at Abelas, anymore than I could understand his reasons for leaving in the first place. 

I left the rotunda room feeling even worse about Abelas’ condition. I had no answers and no knowledge of my own about this kind of magic to go off of. The only person who might be able to help was Solas and he didn’t exactly seem willing or concerned.

 

# CHAPTER IV

Flissa had set up a small bed in the loft above my bedchambers for Abelas. There was no room for him elsewhere because of the soldiers and if we were honest, we would both admit that it was a comfort of sorts to be near each other in case either of us experienced any side effects. He and I generally went wherever the other did.

Solas had hardly spoken to me since our conversation, which I thought was not only odd but also somewhat undeserved. I was determined to keep things professional and distant between us. I had wanted the small satisfaction of feeling like I had an ounce of control. He had been calling all of the shots, and I had been left to suffer the negative effects of his wim. I begged him not to leave, and told him even after it was done that I loved him with no response. 

He simply had walked away. 

I was done with being left victim to him. I ached to know that this actually hurt him the way it hurt me. I wanted Solas to feel what it was like to long desperately for a conversation about more than Inquisition formalities. I wanted to know that he laid in bed longing to feel my body next to him. I wanted him to toss the idea back in forth in his head in the middle of the night, that he could possibly walk up the stairs to my chambers, pull me into his arms and have everything go back to how it was. I wanted the thought to keep him awake, as it had kept me awake every night since he left.

I wanted him to watch me walk away, waiting... hoping that I would turn around, but it seemed as though he was more comfortable being cold towards me.

The advisors and I planned to move out. Unsure of how the meeting with Mythal might end, I planned to bring plenty of Leliana’s agents with us for protection. I had already asked Dorian and Cole to come with me, and to my surprise Solas invited himself.  
I was having a late breakfast alone with Abelas in the Main hall when he walked up to me abruptly and addressed me, “I spoke to Cullen earlier at breakfast and he informed me that Mythal called you to her altar… first of all, why didn’t you tell me this?” Abelas almost spit out his oatmeal with a laugh at his words, and Solas glowered at him.

It was difficult to understand why he would think I would still share everything with him, as though we had some unspoken agreement that he was still the first person I was supposed to run to. He gave yet another unpleasant sideways look to Abelas and didn’t give me a chance to respond before he continued, “Regardless, I will pack my things and have Flissa load them in the morning.” Then he walked away without another word.

I sat there unsure of what had just happened. Abelas raised his eyebrows at me, knowing that I was overthinking things. He had done everything he could to keep my mind off of Solas, and I was beyond thankful for it. “Come, let us rid our minds of stress while we can. Let’s take the horses out.” He said encouragingly. We walked down to the stables and saddled our mounts. 

We chose to take out two of my favorite horses, both a bright white. He was telling me that the horses they used as mounts in Elvhenan were at one point all pure white, tall and beautiful. When the humans introduced their breed of horse to the land, their pure bloodline was tainted. Now it was such a rarity to find a pure white horse. I had been adamant about the colour of my horses. All but two of them were white, with the exception of one black stallion that I had given to Solas. 

For me, it had been for the aesthetic quality, necessary posturing. I looked almost ethereal astride a white mount, my long matching white curls loose down my back with a gold headdress, a golden saddle and bridle for the horse. Josephine had explained the importance of appearing almost divine in order to make it more convincing that the Inquisition, and that I myself were ordained by the gods. When we rode into new villages, it was clear on the people’s faces that they believed it. 

Watching Abelas mount his horse I then understood the effect that it might have on the people. He looked as a demi-god might, strong and full of grace, and breathtaking beauty. I hadn’t realized how similar Abelas and I looked. Our faces were completely different, his more hard and defined and mine more delicate, but his hair was nearly the same shade of silver white that mine was, and the same air of elven grace. It was a beautiful sight, the two of us both dressed in light blue atop our white horses, matching unintentionally.

Abelas and I galloped out of the front gates. Those who were working and training cranked their heads to see what we were doing as our horses thundered passed. We took a small path down to the river below with Abelas taking the lead. “There is a reason I brought you out here, Lethallan.” He paused for a second then went on, “I want to know what your plans are after the Inquisition.”

I thought about his question before responding. What did I plan to do? It was hard to think about making a solid plan with so much uncertainty clouding the future. 

“I had been thinking of using Briala’s influence in Orlais to get back the Exalted plains and the Emerald Graves. According to the Chantry’s history, Andraste herself had promised the area to the elves as an area of refuge. I sometimes forget the force the Inquisition has. As Inquisitor, I have power that puts any emperor to shame, and if I do not use that to further us then it would be a waste… I think I might also call a meeting between the clans. If it would be alright with you, I would have you speak to them, teach them about the old ways. Rather than what they think the old ways are. My first goal however, is already being set in motion by Briala. She is trying to create a less hostile culture for elves in both Orlais and Ferelden. We just can’t afford to act rashly. I only worry that I might be overthrown, alliances formed to stop me…” Abelas turned his horse in front of mine to stop me. He paused for a second to let his eyes pour over me. He acted like he was seeing me for the first time, his eyes lit up and a boyish smile crushed over his lips.

“Then we must maneuver cautiously so not to upset things too much. I think that is a wonderful start. We will teach the Dalish of the truth, and the humans know the reality of their cruelty. It has become apparent to me that they have started to overlook the fact that you’re an elf, they see you as more of some ordained divine creature. Show them that you are elven, one who has suffered at the hands of the humans. One who has lost loved ones to the hands of humans. Maybe then some will listen.” he stopped and took a deep breath, his thoughts wandering elsewhere as he fidgeted with the reins in his hands. He seemed almost nervous but he forced the words out anyway, “If there was ever any question to my loyalty, I must have you know that I would follow you to the ends of the earth.”

“Well, let us hope that is not necessary, but I am glad of it. I’m positive that I couldn’t do this without your help.” I tried to reassure him with a smile but said nothing more of it, I was unsure how to put into words what his friendship meant to me and I had never been good at professions of affection. We enjoyed each others company in silence on the way back to Skyhold. Abelas was one of the only people I knew who could enjoy silence with me and not feel the need to speak to fill the void.

I had come to lean on Abelas more than I expected to, and when we departed for the Altar of Mythal he very quickly agreed that it would be best if he came along. He and I had an unspoken understanding of each other. We both faced dangers from our connection to Mythal, something that the others wouldn’t be able to grasp. I felt safest knowing that he would be coming.

I tried to gage Solas’ reaction to Abelas as we travelled and found nothing faltering in his resolve. He truly allowed noone to see anything he didn’t want them to see, even I being the person who knew him better than anyone. I thought it was possible that it was the only way he knew how to deal with the anger that was undoubtedly in his heart. It made it easier for him to pretend he didn’t miss me, but all I wanted in the world was for him to tell me that he did. Cole was the only one to help uncover anything from Solas’ thoughts. 

“I don’t understand, Solas.” Cole said to him as we cut our way through the vegetation of the wilds, “it is something that should be given, not hidden. ‘No one is as deserving’ you say, but deserving is needing… and needing can be helped. Help her.”

“Please, do not do that, Cole.” Solas said patiently.

“ ‘It rages like a sickness I cannot heal, infested pain. Hurt, hurt. If only I could touch her again… like the first night in the camp. Firelight made eyes burn bright….’ ” Cole spoke Solas’ thoughts.

“Cole!” Solas shouted to keep him from continuing. He and I both blushed furiously while Dorian scoffed to fight back laughter. I shot him a look of warning and received only a wink in return. Abelas fell silently behind a few paces and said nothing. I would have rather died from some exotic flu in the jungle than have Cole reveal another of mine and Solas’ private moments.

“It is hard for me to not hear them when you think of them so often!” said Cole turning to me and responding to my thought. He had told me that what he heard most in a person’s thoughts was the pain, everything else he could overlook, but the aches in our hearts were loudest to him. He only wanted to help us and he was as confused about how to heal this as we were. Dorian was still laughing up ahead of us like the giddy, insufferable, but loveable ass he was.

Solas turned and gave me an unexpected humorous grin and then continued walking. I wasn’t certain how I felt about him knowing that I still often thought of our more intimate memories. I was watching him as he walked ahead of me trying to make sense of my thoughts. It put me in a sort of trance; the graceful way he walked, the rise and fall of his strong shoulders. I saw him shake his head and laugh, then he stopped and turned around to look at me. Solas opened his mouth to say something, but was stopped as Dorian shouted, “Well, Inquisitor, I believe we’ve found your magical altar-of-all-things-elf.” 

We walked along the twenty foot walls still following the path and searching for the entrance. We had to remove some large rock that obstructed the way and cut the overgrown vine in order to pass through the arched entryway. How many years had it been since anyone had visited?

Abelas stayed behind with the agents to help set up the camp while the rest of us wound our way into the altar.

 

# CHAPTER V

My head was still reeling from facing the dragon. I actually spoke to it somehow, I communicated with a dragon. It was a power that I didn’t even know was possible. I knew that I may call on him once, and only once to face Corypheus for the final time. 

Our agents made camp outside the walls and most of them had come running when they heard the dragon land, along with Abelas. It had been a grueling fight and I felt sorry for having not been more prepared. We came with supplies to ward off bandits and bears, not fight a dragon. Abelas had jumped into the fight with light armor and an apprentice’s staff, even though he preferred daggers and a bow. It was strange to me that a mage would prefer to fight like a rogue, but remembering the assassin-like Sentinels at the temple allowed me some understanding of how being quick and hard to see could be beneficial. There truly was nothing like throwing balls of fire at your enemies though.

Solas’ leg had been injured during the fight with the dragon. A large gash from the dragon’s tooth lay open running down the outside of his calf. Abelas and I threw his arms over our shoulders and helped him to the prepared camp not far from the altar.  
We set him down and I was hurriedly trying to stop the bleeding. I tore off a section of my cloak to wrap around it and it somewhat helped to slow the bleeding but the wound was much too deep. We had no more healing supplies. I sent scouts out into the forest in an attempt to find some elfroot or anything else that might help but they had yet to return. Both Abelas and I had tried healing spells but they could only do so much. I helped Solas into a tent and tried to set his leg up so that he was as comfortable as was possible. If we couldn’t get healing herbs or potions soon his blood would become septic, and he could die before we had time to do anything about it. Growing up in my clan I had helped our healer and knew more than most about non-magic medicine, and I was glad that I did.

I yelled out to Dorian from inside the tent, as I was trying to apply pressure to Solas’ leg, “Dorian! Send one of the crows with a message to Leliana. Have her send the healing mixture Bull’s dwarven buddy makes with him, he should be swift enough to return by morning.” I told him, not even sure where Dorian was. From across the camp he yelled back to me excitedly to let me know that he had heard me, then I heard him rustling through his things searching for paper and parchment. I was trying so hard to keep myself from being visibly upset, as I didn’t want Solas to start to worry and make himself more sick. Abelas squeezed my shoulder to comfort me, then left the two of us alone to go fetch more firewood.

Solas gave me a knowing look, as if he could see past my in-control calm facade and through to the inside that was filled with the complete terror of losing him. “Stay with me tonight would you?” He asked trying to not sound afraid. There were several separate tents and I generally slept alone now that Solas and I were separated. It seemed the most appropriate that their leader, the Inquisitor had a private tent. At least, that’s what Cassandra had sad after scolding me for huddling into a tent with all the others. I would not leave Solas with anyone but myself to watch over him tonight.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t?”

“I’m unsure of what to expect.” There was a gentle sadness to his voice.

“Of all the things for you to be unsure about, my feelings shouldn’t be counted among them.” Solas shook his head and weakly held out his hand, reaching for me. I crawled on my hands and knees to grab it and he pulled me closer to him. I pulled the blankets over the both of us and rested his head on my chest. I caressed his face and chest with my fingers. His handsome features were flushed red with heat and his temperature was much too high. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I had missed him, it was a pain that ate constantly at my heart. I heard him softly sigh in resignation. He could tell what was on my mind without me saying a word. “I’m sorry. All of this will make sense one day, I promise.” he said. 

The healing herbs came just after sunrise, tied to the leg of Leliana’s crow. I hadn’t slept all night and as soon as the sun started to come up I was outside of the tent pacing and waiting for the bird to return. I was so thankful that someone had been on watch in the middle of the night to respond so quickly. I took the vial from the bird and quickly ran to the tent. Solas was in bad condition. He was feverish, and in a cold sweat. His coloring was a pale green, and he wavered in and out of consciousness. I sat him up supporting his back with my arm. He was unresponsive and too heavy for me alone to support. “Dorian I need help!” I yelled desperately. 

“What is it?” Dorian came running from his tent, having just woken up and was rubbing his eyes. I was glad he knew me well enough to know I was only barking orders at him because I was nervous and only trusted my best friend to help. I would have to thank him somehow later.

“Hold him up, we need him to drink this immediately.” He crawled into the tent and we pulled Solas up to a sitting position. Dorian got behind Solas and supported his back while I parted his lips and poured the small glass vial until it was empty. He started to choke as the liquid hit his lips, but I held his head up and closed his lips with my hand, knowing we couldn’t afford for him to spit any of it out.

“What do we do now?” Dorian asked.

“We wait.”

Solas awoke a couple hours later in less of a haze. His temperature was almost where it should be. The wound on his leg hadn’t healed completely, but enough to get us back to Skyhold.

Since he was still feverish and weak, Solas could neither walk or ride horseback. We rearranged the supplies that we had on the wagon and tried to make Solas as comfortable as possible. I was surprised by Dorian, who usually was more than a little impartial to Solas. He made a bed of blankets and pillows from everyone’s supplies so that there was cushion and he wouldn’t be tossed around in the back of the wagon. We had to tie most of the supplies onto the back of mine and Solas’ horses and I chose to ride with Abelas.

Atop Abelas’ horse, I was afraid to remove my hands from his waist. The twists of tree roots sticking above ground and the slick wet forest floor meant I could easily fall off if I wasn’t careful. I constantly cranked my head around to make sure that Solas was alright, even though he was awake and feeling much better from the potion. 

It was nice to speak with Abelas as we twisted our way out of the trees. He told me stories of himself in a hushed voice so only I could hear with my head resting on his shoulder. He was so reserved with everyone else when it came to personal things, of course being who he is, he was outspoken and bold but he never showed the others as much as he showed me. 

He described to me Arlathan as though it was the most beautiful sight in the world. He spoke of a different city with streets made of canals of water. Against his parents wishes he had joined a group of hunters when he was a teenager, regardless of his family being noble, or at least the elvhen equivalent of nobility. The last story he told me was of the first girl that he had fallen in love with, who had ended it in the way Solas had ended it with me. Without explanation. Any emotion he might have had about the subject, he kept hidden. Hundreds of years probably had a way of healing wounds, or rather gave you practice in better concealing them.

“Was she beautiful?” I whispered.

“Yes, very beautiful.” 

I heard Cole mutter a soft, “but not like you...” Abelas hadn’t seemed to have heard Cole repeating his thoughts out loud to me. 

He spoke of his family’s villa where he had grown up as a boy near Arlathan. “The walls were white and gold, covered in beautiful green vine. I would climb to the roof to trick my… what is the Ferelden term for it… Governess? I would trick my governess into thinking I had ran away. I made a fort up there with all my favorite things. It was like a safe haven to me when my parents were away. I wonder what it looks like now, would the building yet stand, do you think? If it had been protected by magic still…” he had so much hope in his voice and I was reluctant to respond.

“I don’t think so, Abelas, I’m sorry.”

“You’re probably correct.” he was disappointed and I could tell that today especially he was missing what had been his home before. Being in the Arbor Wilds again he was reminded of memories from his past. How sad it must be to wake up and see that you’ve lost your whole world. Your home.

“If you remember what it looks like, I’ll just build you a new one. Exactly as before.” I told him hoping to make him feel better.

He laughed at my offer, “I know you would. Thank you, that is kind of you, emma lath. When we have found our victories, maybe then I will take you up on that offer.” My head was hung over his shoulder and he nudged my cheek with his. “Only if you are to stay with me there, as well.” I fought back a giggle unsure if his tone was flirtatious or if he was actually serious. He seemed to be pleased with himself in the manner that he usually was whenever he could fit in a coy comment like that.

As the ride got progressively smoother, I fell asleep on Abelas’ shoulder and stayed that way until we reached Skyhold. I remember him asking me to dismount. I did so very sleepily, then he picked me up and carried me to our room. In a sleepy, hazy memory, he laid me in bed and pulled the covers over me. I was fast asleep the second I felt the bed beneath me, but when Abelas’ arms pulled away I was awakened. I didn’t want to lose the warmth of his body that I had felt against me for so long. I reached out and grabbed at the fabric of his cotton tunic, not letting him go. He gave into my clutches and climbed into bed beside me. I rolled over and he fit his body to mine holding me close. I dozed back to sleep when his warmth covered me again.

“Ar lath ma, Arianne.” It was as a dream that the words were whispered to me. His voice was soft like blue velvet and the melody of the sweetest dreams.

 

# CHAPTER VI

Solas’ leg healed well and he had returned to training with the other mages in a manner of days after rigorous treatments of potions and elixirs. He was set on teaching them how not to waste magical energies and to work in harmony with each other, pulling magic from the previously casted spells around them. On and on he would go. Most of them would stand absent-minded looking at him in awe. How he trained himself so well on his own outside of a circle was entirely beyond me. I told him that there was not a person in all of Thedas who had the intelligence he did, and therefore no one had a chance of understanding anything he said. He had responded with a playful, “You seem perfectly able to understand me.” His sudden flirting made me uncomfortable about his motives, whatever had happened in the tent when he was injured, and possibly near death, didn’t change what he had done. He was a better person than to give me false hope.

We had no news of Corypheus and were forced to do nothing but wait. The waiting was the worst part. Not that I would let anyone else see it, but I was terrified of Corypheus and I didn’t even know if there was a way to truly kill him. We could kill the dragon that hosted the piece of him that had supposedly kept him alive, but what if that wasn’t the only advantage he had? It was possible that there was more to the story, as had happened often when facing Corypheus. Sometimes I was so paralyzed by the fear that I had to be alone. I would ride my horse into the mountains so that I could hear my thoughts more clearly. It was easier to think removed from the bustle of the castle, and nothing brought me peace like my horse.

Word from the Frostbacks had come however, and our attention was being called to aid the Sun clan. The village’s chief told us that a group of cultists were risking an attempt to raise an archdemon. It was not the kind of threat that could be dealt with later, lest we risk another blight.

Our hold in the Western Approach also needed attention. Venatori had settled into an old bandit fortress which made it almost impossible to hold our few camps. In order to take out their numbers, Cullen and I decided to deploy troops to take over the fortress. I convinced Cullen to stay at Skyhold and allow Captain Rylen to take lead of the men. Cullen was always so worried that something would go wrong, and he felt that he could better control the men on the battlefield with them. I understood the want to be there with them, but I worried about his safety. It would be an easy victory ousting the Venatori with our well armed battalion, so Cullen could afford to step back and hand the reigns to Rylen. We sent out two companies of men knowing that we would need to set up multiple camps in order to hold the area against Venatori reinforcements.

Abelas was made busy trying to restore the Temple of June that was a mere 10 miles East of Skyhold. I deployed our men to the Western Approach and would follow them after the fortress was taken. I didn’t want to leave until Abelas returned, much to both Cullen’s impatience and Solas’ displeasure. I was glad that Abelas had found something to keep him busy. I knew that he harbored a sad guilt about not being able to save the Temple of Mythal from its unfortunate fate, not that he would ever openly admit to that or any imperfection for that matter, but I hoped that this distraction would help.

Solas had been spending more time with me and I was unsure if it was due to Abelas’ absence or because of what had happened in the camp. We passed time sitting in each other’s company without saying much. He would sit across from me in my bedroom reading books on the fade or Arlethan, and he would ever so often comment angrily on the inaccuracies. I would write notes on plan of attack or write letters to my clan, or Abelas. The silence didn’t bother us. I think we were both afraid of making things worse and we were content just being near each other. He still loved me, of that I was certain. He was not the sort of man to waste his time. 

I had been working on something to keep the spirits of our soldiers up. With the Western Approach battalion deployed, those that were left faced an unknown future. Sera had the idea of having a carnival masquerade. “It’s just like a big party but everyone’s invited. The upper ups get to have fun and show everyone that they’re people too, not just important tits.” she had said in her thick Ferelden accent.

“And we get to drink the nobles’ wine.” Bull had responded. We planned to invite the noble families that supported the Inquisition, which allowed for as much coin as we needed to use. Entertainers, food, fireworks, and music would fill Skyhold in a matter of days. Josephine was in a tizzy trying to perfect everything but I knew that regardless of how the nobles saw it, it was exactly what our soldiers needed. The threat of Corypheus loomed upon the horizon and many had started to think their own doom inevitable. Many of them would be right about that, but all we could do now is wait. And if waiting allowed for some time to indulge in drink, dancing and gambling, why not? 

It certainly was a good thing the Inquisition had nothing to do with the Chantry. 

Josephine had begun hanging banners of red and gold, and a shipment of masquerade masks had arrived from Val Royeaux. The soldiers would get to dress up in formal clothes possibly for the first time in their lives. The ambassador had me fitted for a gown and insisted that I needed to be the best dressed. “You are the only one anyone cares to speak to at the masquerade, we don’t want the nobility to get the idea that you cannot present yourself well.” 

Abelas and his crew were expected to return the day of the celebration, one of the reasons I chose the day that I did. I could just imagine his face lighting up as he walked passed the gates to see the lights strung everywhere with people singing and dancing in costume. I found myself going out of my way to see that smile of his, such the surprise that it was. 

Cullen and I had met alone in the War room the morning before the fete to discuss any lingering issues in the Western Approach. Word had come that the siege had been a success which allowed us to truly relax and enjoy the evening. He expressed some excitement for the upcoming festivities and said it would be a welcomed distraction. It can’t have been easy for him, between relapsing with lyrium and losing men in the Wilds. He played the part of the ruthless commander of arms, but he truly cared for each soldier. I had hoped that the masquerade would help alleviate his worry, and loosen up the frown he wore too often.

We laughed about the ensemble Josephine had picked for him and couldn’t help but joke about the letters from desperate nobles pouring in expressing a desire for a dance with the commander. After the ball at the Winter Palace it was obvious that almost every woman in Orlais was furiously envious that the commander only had danced with me, and that was only once. I heard more than one person pout, ‘He refused to dance with me!’ 

Seeing Cullen laugh was a relief to me. “I just don’t dance! I never have!” he said, hardly being able to stop laughing at the thought of the Dowager Princess throwing a tantrum after he turned her down. 

“So I should count myself lucky then?” I asked with a sly grin. If he had insisted upon not dancing and refused all the others why then did he search the ballroom and the vestibule to ask me for my hand?

“You’re different, you know that.” The words slipped from Cullen’s mouth as though he had meant only to think them. He tried to quickly change the subject as a flush started to burn red on his cheeks. “At least I’ll always have a drink in my hand, they won’t come up and ask me to dance without some sort of offering. Please do be a friend and rescue me if they won’t leave me alone. Dancing with you again surely would shut them up.”

I laughed and agreed. “Or it will simply start more rumors! Josephine tells me that half of what she hears from nobles either has to do with my romantic affairs, or yours. They pull gossip out of thin air, I have no idea how they think they know of what is really going on.” I said sarcastically.

Cullen chuckled and then somewhat pointedly asked, “Do you?” I didn’t know how to respond. He obviously wanted answers about Solas and I, as well as him and I. But they were answers I couldn’t give, for I didn’t know them myself.

“At the moment there is so much going on, so much rides on my shoulders. For now does it even matter who I’m in love with?”

“It matters to me.” Cullen’s gaze fell to the floor as he stood leaning against the wall.

I walked closer to him so that he would look me in the eyes. “You know that I care about you, that much is obvious to anyone. I won’t let you believe that I don’t think about you… because I do. But maybe I shouldn’t. You have to understand the position this puts me in, loving two different people at once. That’s too much to deal with when you’re not also trying to keep the sky from ripping back open…”

Cullen cut me off, “You love me?” The tone of shock in his voice left me stumbling for an explanation to the accidental confession.

“We’ve been through alot together.” I didn’t want to say too much, unsure as I was about my own feelings. I didn’t think that I loved him, so why did I say that? “Just… give me some time to let this anger in my heart settle. If there ever is to be anything between us, we deserve a fair shot. Not one clouded by my own resentment.” I looked him in the eye, regretting that I had moved so close to him. I wanted to be anywhere else, but at the same time a part of me wanted to move even closer. My knees were weak from the look he was giving me, and he was so painfully handsome that I had to reel my thoughts back in. “Cullen, I would never forgive myself if I hurt you. I would have given into you by now if I wasn’t terrified of it. That’s why this has to be your decision.”

 

He had been there for me since I first met him at Haven. He was the only one who saw me for who I really was and believed that I hadn’t killed the divine. Solas was even somewhat cold and stuck-up to me in the beginning but Cullen was caring and sweet. Now that I know him better I realize that he treated me different; to everyone else he was the stern and focused commander who didn’t have time for distractions. To me he was a comfort. I had suspicions about his feelings for me at Haven but wasn’t sure of them. I trusted him and wanted his friendship.

I had never intended for us to be more than friends but too many drinks one night at Haven made sure that just friends would be more difficult than expected. It was a few nights before the attack and before closing the breach. I was walking from the tavern after being talked into too many drinks with Bull and Sera. I swore the two of them would be the death of me. 

Cullen was standing outside the Chantry building staring up at the breach. He looked so effortlessly handsome in a smock that slightly showed off the top of his chest, with his blond hair tousled and soft. It was rare to see him out of his armor. I was drunk enough to confidently walk up to him and say, “You have no idea how handsome you are, do you, Commander?” and I wasn’t sober enough to understand that it was a horrible idea. I don’t mean that I regret it… necessarily. He had taken my hand and whispered some sweet things back to me before asking if I wanted to go to his chambers. He had never been so direct before.

I told him yes.  
Cullen had picked me up by my waist, sat me on his desk inside the chantry building and began kissing me. The heady taste of alcohol was on his breath. His lips moved down to my neck and I remember seeing an empty bottle of scotch on his desk, next to his lyrium supply. Knowing he had been drinking too, I should have put an end to it there. I couldn’t stop, his touch felt like a burning ache that could only be quenched by more. I untied the top of his tunic and pulled it over his head revealing his broad chiseled chest.  
What happened next was a mix of fast passion, scotch and hidden tension that had been rising until that point of boiling. The image was vivid in my head, Cullen trailing kisses up the inside of my thigh ending as a soft whisper on my lips. He had grabbed my hips and roughly pulled me to him. It was hard to think about while standing so close to him.  
Snapping myself back to reality, I looked into his golden eyes and he gave me a sly smile as if he knew what I was thinking about. I wouldn’t doubt that he thought about it often, too.

He spoke to me sweetly, “We should not pressure ourselves. Regardless of what happens in the days to come, you shall find me by your side.” He kissed my forehead and walked out of the room, leaving me standing there to deal with the misunderstanding of my own emotions.

 

# CHAPTER VII

The day of the festival had arrived and excitement filled the entire fortress. It was incredible to see how much everyone was looking forward to it. Nobles flooded into the castle courtyard after barking orders at their attendants to set up their unnecessarily large tents down below the gates of Skyhold.

I had Sera and Bull help me dress and prepare for the night as Josephine was too busy with other preparations. It was after nightfall and my stomach turned with excitement knowing that Abelas surely had returned by now. I was to wait in the stucco room to make my entrance until I heard the trumpets announcing my arrival. I wasn’t sure why Josephine thought arriving at my own party was necessary but it was easier not to argue. 

The music sounded and I anxiously bolted up from my seated position. “Sera! Am I ready?” I hadn’t even taken a chance to look at myself in the mirror.

“Well, yes you arse-biscuit you look bloody perfect. Solas will be happy to take this dress off you...” I ignored her comment about Solas and tried to focus on not falling off of my shoes. I looked in the mirror and was surprised at what I saw. Josephine had managed to mix Orlesian fashion with a more subtle elven touch. My gown was light yellow-gold. It flowed down my body like water; hugging my hips and a deep V down my chest that I had worried would be too revealing but was shockingly tasteful. Sera had braided my silver-white hair down over my right shoulder. A single charm hung at the end of a gold chain draped down the middle of my bare back. It was a halla antler charm. I was surprised Josephine even knew what the halla would represent to me. I would have to thank her. The woman in the mirror seemed to be someone else. I looked unrecognizable. 

“Shit boss, you look gooood.” Bull said encouragingly, spending a little too much time tracing my curves. The introduction music ended, signalling the last call to get my ass out there. I walked down the empty main all. All the guests were out in the upper and lower courtyards at the moment, waiting for me. I stepped out into the night to take in a beautiful view. 

Lanterns were strung overhead, lighting up the sky and illuminating the masked faces that stood below me. Their voices erupted in a massive cheer as I walked to the spot where I had been named Inquisitor. I greeted the crowd with the lines Josephine had given me. “Good evening, and I thank you all for coming. While we yet prepare ourselves for battle, it is also necessary to celebrate the successes that have brought us this far. I thank each and everyone of you for your aid to the Inquisition. Without your help, the sky might yet still be broken, but we have sealed the breach and we will take back peace for Thedas.” 

I waited for their applause to subside and shouted, “Let the masquerade begin!” She was right, me making a grand entrance really did signal the beginning to the night. I would never question her judgment as far as parties ever again. Or what to wear for that matter, I felt incredible. 

As gracefully as I could I descended the steps with my head down, watching my feet. I looked up to find Solas and Abelas waiting at the bottom of the steps. They both looked fetching in thin silk shirts and black culottes. Having not seen Abelas in so long I greeted him first and pulled him into a tight hug. He said softly and teasingly in my ear, “This was not all for me, pray?”

With a huge smile that I could not contain I said, “No… but perhaps it should be. I am beyond glad you’re back.” I pulled away from his embrace somewhat reluctantly and turned to Solas. 

I watched as he stared at me from afar. His eyes followed the shape of my dress and met again with mine. Shaking his head playfully he stepped forward, then bowed and stretched out a graceful arm as an invitation. I placed my hand in his and he pulled me briskly to him, away from Abelas as if to make a point. He led me by my hand to the designated dance floor not far from the steps, he turned to me and smiled. He softly bowed to me again and then pulled me in to start the first dance. The music joined us and every pair of eyes were fixated. I had to wonder if Josephine hadn’t planned this as well. Looking over Solas’ shoulder at Abelas, I found myself wishing there had been more time to revel in his return. The brief hug had only left me missing him more.

“You look… beyond words I’m afraid.” Solas said bringing my eyes back to him. He looked at me with his eyes softened and brows raised. It was my favorite expression he made because I knew what it meant. As Sera had put it one night in the tavern, ‘He only looks at you like that dunn’he? Like you’re the only woman he’s ever seen.’ Why was he still giving me that look then? If he did love me this shouldn’t be so difficult.

“As do you. I had no idea you could pull off silk so well.” I said flirtingly, trying to see how he would respond, but he said no more. I knew better than to get my hopes up that his actions might mean something more. The song came to an end and he twirled me around ending the dance by dipping me so low I thought he had dropped me. The crowd gasped and cheered before more people started towards the dance floor. Cullen approached Solas and I. “Might I steal Lady Arianne for the next dance?” Solas bowed slightly to Cullen and then placed my hand in his somewhat reluctantly.

This continued, Count after Duke asking me for a dance. It was rather fun until I found a partner in a Viscount who was determined to court me for marriage. I had to politely tell him I wasn’t interested in marrying but only Cullen was able to pull his hands off of me. It made me laugh to see Cullen so obviously jealous and adorably protective. He had whispered a soft threat into the ear of the Viscount, no doubt intending on following through with it had he not allowed the Commander to cut in. 

We took a break from dancing to indulge in the wine and the extravagant never-ending feast of food. The two of us shared some idle chit chat with some nearby Orlesians, and when they left Cullen asked a question that I could tell had been on his mind since saving me from the Viscount. “So… you truly never intend on marrying?”

I nervously replied, “Well, not the Viscount, certainly.”

“Yes, but… do you have any intention of marrying at all? With the right person, of course.” Cullen seemed bothered by what I had said about marriage to the Viscount.

I started to wonder if I would come to regret this conversation, should I let it go any further. “And how does one know who is the right person? I think my time is better spent just focusing on who next to throw a fireball at. I tend to give myself false hope and then end up the worse for it.”

“Can the hope still be false, if you trust someone enough?” He asked.

“See, the problem is I don’t trust anyone. Not anymore.” I replied quickly and didn’t take time to consider how my words might sit with him. 

“Don’t, or won’t?” He was rightfully struck by my statement, and the both of us fell silent. I picked at grapes while Cullen got more wine. 

We stood silently back and watched the scene before us. Bull had already beaten everyone at the drinking competition and somehow was still standing. Dorian had been dancing with some noble’s son and had since disappeared. Cassandra and Leliana stood stiffly as though unable to indulge in a little fun, and Sera and Varric were arguing over whose drunken self-portrait was better. All I could think was that this was the first place that felt like home, and all of these lunatics were like my family. 

The Orlesians wouldn’t leave Abelas alone after Varric blabbed about him being a ‘magical temple elf that never died’. I felt sorry that his attention was being pulled and prodded in so many different directions, but he truly was a marvel.

I watched as he spoke to some Orlesian girl about something excitedly, he had her twirled around his little finger, and I was thrown-off by a foreign feeling of jealousy. I excused myself from Cullen and walked over to the two of them. Addressing the crowd that had gathered around him I said, “I’m sorry but you will have to excuse us. There is important Inquisition information that I simply must share with our Sentinel immediately!” They all moaned and sighed in disappointment. I placed my hand on Abelas’ arm and led him up the steps to the dining hall. 

As we walked away an elderly woman delightedly said “What a lovely couple!”

“No… I rather think it is the other elf that she’s involved with...”

“Oh….pity.”

Everyone who was already either too drunk, too tired, or too hungry to dance was sitting and relaxing in the main hall. Josephine had set up two buffet lines of food, one down by the tavern and the other here in the hall. Up here it was peaceful; much more quiet away from the music and the chatter.

“You looked like you needed a break.” I said to Abelas. He thanked me and I sat down at a table at the end of the hall near the entrance. He pulled a chair next to mine, sitting rather close to me but I thought nothing of it. I was thankful for a minute alone with him. A server brought us wine and offered us Orlesian hors d'oeuvres which looked suspiciously like snails, to which we politely declined. Abelas excitedly told me of the temple and their success in restoring it.

“I must take you there myself. Such beauty there was and now lives again. I only wished to have shared it with you.” he said with a kind and thoughtful tone, rather than his usual flirtatious note. 

We spent a long time filling each other in on what had happened in the other’s absence. I asked him how he had been feeling and let him know that there had been no visions while he was away. I hadn’t found much to help us explain why he was having the headaches or what could stop them, and hadn’t been successful in determining whether or not the visions would do serious damage to myself.

“I found myself worrying about you almost constantly.” he admitted.

His confession surprised me and I paused to hold his eyes, hoping to reign in my thoughts before jumping to a conclusion about his intentions. Abelas’ words did have a way of making me feel like my thoughts were unmanageable, they lead me to imagining scenes that I should not. 

He had a way of manipulating me, but he only ever used it to help. His thoughtfully placed words and looks pulled at the strings of my heart. Abelas’ graceful ways had more than once been what allowed me to keep going. He was the push that I needed to get back on my feet when I had bad days and it made me realize my own strength. I was growing more aware that he cared for me deeply. I had noticed that the incessant flirtatious comments and gestures were now only being used on me. His sport of making women blush had come to an abrupt end. 

The girls still gossiped about him and stupidly swooned as he walked by but he paid them no more attention. As they came up and tried to speak to him he usually would dismiss them gently or he would turn the conversation back to me. I overheard him one evening speaking with one of the Dalish scouts. The scout had complimented Abelas on the tan he had acquired from our time in the Arbor Wilds. He thanked her briefly and then as I walked by he called me over. I walked towards him and the scout, and he said, “Arianne, Scout Felani seems to think that my tan looks most fetching. I should rather know what your thoughts are on the matter.” The scout’s face distorted out of embarrassment and she gave me a slight bow with her head as I came to stand in front of her. I had looked at Abelas dumbfounded and confused. I wanted to laugh at him because I knew that he was fishing for compliments, but he didn’t want them from just anyone, he wanted them from me.

“Abelas, I suspect whatever I may say about your appearance will only go straight to your head, only allowing it to inflate further.” I told him trying to conceal the fact that I was somewhat entranced by how effortlessly handsome he was.

“So, if they are to go to my head, one can assume that they would only be words of approval?” His smirk was hard to look away from, and I could feel the scout’s eyes watching me as my countenance was softened by Abelas’ potent charm. I had looked away after realizing how obvious his affect on me was to anyone watching.

“Perhaps.” I told him, then bowed my head to them both, excusing myself from the conversation before walking away. The scout had given me a nervous grin and Abelas shook his head as if to flirtingly chastise me for teasing him back. This was exactly why Solas hated Abelas. Everyone had noticed the pull he had over me before I had even noticed it myself.

Sitting beside him in the main hall, and looking in his eyes I saw something that I hadn’t before, it was a weird feeling of deja-vu, as though I had lived this exact moment over and over again. I was unable to look away. Voices from the Vir’Abelas’san started in my head as a creeping whisper. The silver voice was quiet but not enough to ignore. I started to feel lightheaded.

‘Halla for a halla… halla for a halla, not for a wolf.’ the voices whispered. Abelas lifted my chin with his hand and the voices rose louder and louder at his touch. The silver voice then began speaking an old archaic dialect of elven and I struggled to understand. The words came so quickly that all I could make out was abelas, over and over it was the only word I understood. Abelas, abelas, abelas. Was the voice using it as the elven word sorrow, or speaking of Abelas by name?

It was like I was paralyzed. Looking in his eyes I couldn’t determine if it was candlelight from the table reflecting on them or something stranger making his golden yellow eyes almost glow. I was too stunned to focus. Since drinking from the well I had never felt this strange sort of deliria come over me.

His eyes widened as he leaned in closer to me. I couldn’t move. I felt a surge of mana, almost static at his touch and it sent chills over my body. I couldn’t determine whether the voices from the well and this sensation of magic that danced across my skin were connected, or if it was just my reaction to Abelas’ unexpected affections. I had no control over myself, as though he willed me to not move, so I didn’t. The closer he moved towards me, the louder the voice spoke.  
Abelas touched his lips to mine. Softly brushing them across back and forth, slowly breaking apart my lips and then hungrily he kissed me. Overwhelmed with this foreign desire to be touched, embraced, consumed by him; I kissed him back just as fiercely. The second I did, the voices quieted and soon faded as our lips broke apart. 

I sat back to see that his face mirrored the shock I felt. How did that happen? Why did he kiss me and why did I give in to his kiss? He wore surprise on his expression too, probably due to the uncontrolled burst of desire that I had failed to contain, in public no less. My head was dizzy with confusion, what did Mythal mean by ‘halla for a halla’? It was all too much. I pulled back from Abelas, pushed his arms from me and walked briskly away.

“Arianne! Don’t go!” I didn’t want to upset him but I needed some air, and I needed to be far enough from him as to put the kiss from my mind. I had to forget.

 

The guests weren’t allowed in the Skyhold gardens so I headed there hoping to find some alone time with my thoughts. I sat on the stone fence edging the herbs with my legs dangling below me and my sparkly heels tossed off to the ground. I looked up at the almost full moon. It was shining directly overhead and the crystals on my dress caught and reflected its light, making it dance on the ground beneath me. The whole garden square was filled with blue lunar light. 

Half of the bottle of wine I had found in the kitchens on my way down was already gone. I tried to breathe and calm the million thoughts that were running through my head. I asked myself why this had to be so complicated. Cullen, then Solas, and now Abelas? I had never intended anything to happen with Cullen and now I have to worry about inevitably hurting him or myself. All I really wanted was for things to go back to the way the were with Solas, or was that simply what I was telling myself I wanted? Either way it wasn’t an option. Solas had left me, ended it and that was that. I was moving toward the realization that I might deserve better than someone who could walk so easily away. I needed to stop making more from it than there was, even if it was obvious that he still cared. 

More wine. 

That was the only thing that helped. I was intent on drinking it until I was too drunk to think about any of this, but the sound of light footsteps had interrupted. 

His dark shadow moved on to the garden floor before him as he stepped out of the darkness.

“How did you find me?” I asked the figure.

“You really think that you could slip out of the party unnoticed… in that dress?” Cullen gave a sexy smile, knowing just what to say to melt the layer of ice I had to continually put around my heart.

“I’m sorry I left you like that. We were having such a good night before. I wanted to save Abelas from the vultures, but then he… I just needed some air.”

He walked closer to me, taking the bottle of wine from my hand then set it on the ground beside me. “What happened, my love?” He asked calmly, sweeping the messy hair from my face the same way he always did. I couldn’t lie to him about what had happened, he knew me too well. He frowned and pulled my chin up to look in my eyes. “What did he do?”

“He… Abelas kissed me out of nowhere. It was so unexpected that I…” I paused seeing Cullen’s face fill with rage.

“Where is he?” I shook my head and tried to calm him down but Cullen argued, “No, he can’t just do that, Arianne! You’re the Inquisitor, not some serving girl to take advantage of when he’s drunk!”

“I don’t think it was quite like that…” I thought about the kiss and the words I had heard Abelas say the night we returned from the altar, thinking that they were only a dream, ‘Ar lath ma, Arianne’. Abelas cared about me more than had been made apparent up until this point. 

“Cullen, just let it go. You can talk to him later if you want, I just… I want you to stay here with me.” He agreed and pulled me into a tight hug. I tried not to think about Abelas and the kiss, but I was worried that our friendship wouldn’t be able to handle not only my frustration about it, but also Cullen’s. I was determined to keep Cullen’s attention throughout the rest of the night so that he wouldn’t seek out Abelas and do something he would regret.

“Please don’t kill Abelas.” I said half-jokingly to Cullen, but truthfully was worried as to what he might say or do.

He gave me a smirk. “Alright, I won’t kill the elf bastard... if you agree to something for me.”

“Okay…” I said hesitantly.

“Dance with me, only me, for the rest of the night.” There was a twinge of sarcasm in his words, then he bowed and held out his hand for me to take.

“Now that is an offer I would gladly accept.”

We made our way out amongst the dancers. The music was softer now and there were less people. Cullen and I held each other tightly as we swayed to the gentle music. It was a scene so very different than how the Skyhold courtyard usually looked. Instead of the bustle of soldiers and mages training, there was lively music, beautiful dresses, and fireworks. Everyone looked so happy.

I rested my head on Cullen’s shoulder, starting to feel sleepy from the wine and he whispered to me, “I never thought I would again have a moment like this with you. Have you all to myself…”

“Well, here I am.” I nuzzled into his neck and felt him kiss the back of my head sweetly.

“I’m sorry for that night… I never meant to take advantage of you like that. I was… I had been drinking and at the same time, I was so surprised that you wanted me in that way. I’m not sure if you knew, but I’d had for quite some time... strong feelings for you.” his tone was sad and it was obvious that he blamed himself for how things had played out.

“I’m not sorry it happened. I still think about it, and how things might have been different if we had actually tried to talk about it after…” I told him.

“Does Solas know?” He asked trying to hide the emotion that forced the question. A part of him wanted Solas to know.

“No.” I admitted.

Cullen replied by saying that it was probably best he didn’t know. It happened long before Solas and I started to spend time together. Telling him now would only hurt him.

We did not move from the other’s arms for multiple songs until the music stopped. Most of the nobles had receded to the lavish camps they had set up outside of Skyhold’s gates and only a few of our men remained gathered by the tavern. It was strange having hundreds of people enjoying the festivities only hours before, compared to how empty the grounds were now. He and I were some of the few still awake and the two of us had danced until the entire courtyard was empty.

Cullen led me up the stairs holding my hand still. We stopped in the main hall wanting to grab more wine and as we walked I quietly explained to him that we had to be careful. I didn’t want to make anymore rash decisions fueled by alcohol. “I don’t want to say goodnight yet.” He whispered. 

“Then don’t.” I said vivaciously. We picked out a bottle of dark red wine and went out to the balcony overlooking the courtyard, still filled with golden light from the lanterns. Cullen and I took turns taking swigs from the bottle and we discussed different funny stories of nobles embarrassing themselves. A drunken jester had fallen into the bonfire, untouched by the flame but left almost naked after it engulfed his cloak. Sera had shot an arrow through a duchess’ hat which caused quite a stir. Josephine gracefully had convinced them that it was part of an act, meant for entertainment, before having Bull escort Sera from the party over his shoulder.

“We should get some sleep.” I told him not really wanting to be without him, not to mentioned worried that he might seek out Abelas. “Actually, would you mind staying with me tonight? Just sleeping…” I was afraid of this perfect night ending and knew I would wake up again the next morning to a million problems only I could solve. This night had been one of the first breaths of fresh air in a long time.

Cullen agreed then took my hand and led me through the main hall. He said goodnight to Leliana and Josephine as we passed, ignoring their questioning glances at our connected hands and their gaze that was locked on us as we walked up to my quarters. I heard Leliana excitedly say under her breath to Josephine, “I suppose now we know why our Cullen has been in such a good mood.” She had always been aware of Cullen’s feelings for me, nothing got past the Nightingale. 

He led me up the steps to my room, still holding my hand as though he was afraid to let go. I made sure to lock the door on the rare chance that Abelas was audacious enough to think he could sleep in my quarters after what had happened. I hadn’t seen him anywhere in the castle since he had kissed me, and I assumed that he had retired to the guest tents to sleep.

I brought my thoughts back to the present. “Do you need night clothes?” I asked Cullen eying the velvet formal uniform. He said he had clothes under that would suffice. He looked incredible in his officer's uniform, so much so that it was a pity he had to take it off. I should have liked to have a portrait commissioned of him just like that; dapper and official-looking, but with that casual and detached grace that had always intrigued me. I traced with my eyes the way it framed his broad shoulders and chest… no, I would have to stop thinking about it.

I faced away from Cullen as I slid out of my dress. I let it fall to the floor leaving me standing there with my back to him, nothing but the necklace still on. I fought back thoughts of turning around, walking over to him and throwing him down onto the bed.  
I heard his footsteps softly come up behind me. He gently unhooked my necklace and slid it off over my shoulder, then left one soft kiss between my shoulder blades. It sent a chill over my body. Cullen walked over to the bed and started to remove his formal attire, stripping down to his tunic and night shorts.

I grabbed the first nightgown I could find and pulled it over my hips. It was dark blue silk that came to my knees, and had been a gift from Solas on our first trip to Orlais. I couldn’t think about Solas, and I considered searching for something else to wear but felt oddly vulnerable being naked another second in front of the Commander, even though it was nothing he hadn’t seen before. 

Cullen was setting his clothes on my desk as I walked up and I wrapped him in a hug from behind. He turned and picked me up effortlessly in one fluid motion, then carried me to bed. He laid me down and pulled the covers over me before getting under the covers beside me. 

I turned onto my side to face him, I wanted to stare into his beautiful copper gold eyes for hours. I reached out and slowly traced with my finger the scar that ran down his lip, I was intrigued by it and always found my eyes wandering to it whenever I spoke with him. He grabbed my hand before I could pull it away and began caressing it softly with kisses. His eyes were hooded with repressed desire.

“Cullen…” I said cautiously, unsure of what his intentions were. He stopped and gave me a knowing look, then wrapped me in his arms. I laid my head on his chest waiting for him to say what was on his mind, but we sat silent for a while. I could tell that he was thinking intently about something, he was always dead silent when he was upset.

“This isn’t going to work is it?” he said somewhat defeated.

“Why isn’t it?” I turned to him, eagerly searching his eyes for an answer.

“All I can think about is Solas making love to you in this bed… and the possibility that you might wish it was him beside you instead of me.” 

I had for that very reason completely replaced my old bed with a new one. Memories of our times together haunted me too much to continue to sleep under the emerald sheets. I said nothing because I knew it wouldn’t help to have me explain that to him.  
“And it means nothing that I chose to spend the night with you and not him? Even though he quite obviously expected me to not leave his side?” I thought of how Solas paraded me around for the first dance as though laying some claim upon me. He had watched me dance with the nobles and with Cullen from beside the banquet table. Pretending that he didn’t mind, but I saw his eyes break away from the conversations he was having to worryingly scan my reactions to Cullen’s jokes and compliments. I knew that I could have been dancing with him instead but I didn’t want to. He had broken my heart without giving me a single reason as to why. Even if I was still in love with him, I wasn’t going to wait at his feet trying to change his mind. 

“Vhenan…” I said more out of habit than anything. I was waiting for Cullen to look me in the eyes but he only gave me an odd look, and was obviously unsure about the meaning of the elven word. I chastised myself for letting it slip, I was uncomfortable about using the elven endearment that I only ever had said to Solas. I had used it so often to refer to him that it just came out, and I felt guilty, dirty, referring to Cullen with a word that had meant so much to me. With the word that still meant so much to me. Solas had stopped calling me Vhenan and I couldn’t help but hope that every time I spoke to him that he might let it slip out.

It never did, and I had to quit expecting Solas to show any signs that he might care, because he didn’t. I needed to move on with my life, or I worried that I would forever be alone with daydreams of what-ifs.

I sat up to look Cullen clearly in the eyes and took a deep breath to ready myself for what I was about to say. “I’m willing to give this a chance... if you are.” I told him honestly.

He did nothing but give me a slight smile, then pulled me to lay back down beside him. I waited and waited for a response, whether it be a confession that he wanted the same or a dismissal of my affections. Either way I wanted to know how he felt, but he said nothing. He soon fell asleep and I laid there restless for hours tortured by my brain.

 

The next morning I was awoken by a knock. I sat up slowly, wiped the sleep from my eyes and pulled my long hair back to a less frightening shape. I sleepily reached my arm out to wake to Cullen but my hand only met the empty space on the bed. “Cullen…” I called out to see if he was on the balcony or in the washroom, but received no response. He had nothing of import to take care of this morning that I was aware of and I worried that he had left without speaking to me because of our conversation. I did have a way of ruining everything.

Taken aback by Cullen’s absence, I had almost forgotten someone was waiting when I heard the knock again. I threw a cloak over my shoulders, still in only the blue nightgown, and bounded down the stairs to answer the door. 

“Abelas…” I said surprised to see him, remembering our less than pleasant parting the night before. 

“I was told by Commander Curly to wake you, as we are to move out for the Western Approach presently.” He said sarcastically.

“What do you mean Cullen… told you? He spoke to you?” 

Abelas explained that he had been on his way up to see me earlier that morning, but was stopped by Cullen. He had urged Abelas to leave me alone and let me sleep. “He knows about the kiss doesn’t he?” A restrained smirk made its way onto Abelas’ lips.  
“Why, what did he do?” I said worried about what words might have passed between the two men. 

“Well, between the terrified look on your face and his huffy ill-temper this morning, it’s not hard to guess that you told him.” He seemed almost pleased with himself that he had aroused the Commander’s jealousy. “So, are the two of you…?”

I cut him off before he could even finish his question. “Cullen and I are friends… so are you coming with us, then?” I said unsure of whether I hoped his reply would be yes or no.

“I had planned on it, yes, unless… you would prefer I didn’t?” he was being genuine but was also testing me, trying to gage my feelings about what had happened. It was strange to me that I spent the entire evening with Cullen, gushing over him. I had stopped his advances as he lay next me but only because I recognized that fire, once it was started, it would be impossible to extinguish. I did not want another night in bed with the Commander, I had wanted him to instead express the feelings I knew he had. Nothing would have stopped him from placing a gentle kiss on my lips earlier in the evening. I had even held my lips inches from his, baiting him to comply. I gave Cullen every opportunity and yet Abelas was bold enough to kiss me where he wasn’t. But that was simply Abelas’ way, he saw something he wanted and he took it whether it was a good idea or not. 

“No, I don’t mind.” I said trying to hide my thoughts and keep them for myself. Abelas had spent enough time around me that I felt he could almost read my mind. He followed me back into the room to grab his things, and I started to pack as well. Cullen had pushed our departure up to this morning, even though originally the plan was to leave in three days time. 

I dressed myself ignoring Abelas’ presence in the loft and headed down to the courtyard to find the Commander. Two wagons were loaded and 6 horses were already saddled ready to go, mine included. Solas was helping secure supplies to one cart and Cullen was nearby having an agent write down his report. 

As I walked towards him the agent gave me an odd startled expression and walked briskly away, perhaps the face I was making was more frightening than I had intended. Cullen had a reserved unemotional look on his face and I tried speaking to him in a tone low enough so that Solas wouldn’t hear. My words still came out somewhat angry even in an almost-whisper. “What happened? When I woke up you weren’t there.” 

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Solas pause as though we was listening. Cullen simply gave me a confused look and said nothing. He was starting to act weird again, reserved, unemotional, and strange. I wanted to be done with the discussion already because I knew it was going nowhere. “It doesn’t matter. We’ll speak later, yes?” Cullen nodded and then walked away. Why was he being so distant?

I was left standing there awkwardly so I went to help Solas tie down the supplies. He smiled kindly at me and asked how I had slept. I knew then that he hadn’t heard what I said to Cullen and was very relieved. For some reason I didn’t want Solas to know that there might be feelings behind the dances I shared with the Commander. But why? Why did I still care what Solas thought? As if him knowing about my kind of relationship with Cullen would somehow ruin my nonexistent chances with him. Here I was a again holding out hope for something that was a waste of my time.

Abelas came down the steps carrying my trunks and called out to me. “I packed my stuff in the side of your trunk, I hope that’s okay. I don’t have much.”

A scoff escaped my lips, he truly knew nothing of boundaries did he? He knew I would let him get away with anything and he took advantage of it. “Ugh… I suppose that’s fine, Abelas. You need to get your own things.”

He simply smiled and threw the trunks onto the cart. The rest of our crew loaded their things and we moved out, facing a full four days ride. 

 

# CHAPTER VIII

### Solas

Captain Rylen had done a seamless job settling into the fortress in the Western Approach. In just a couple days he managed to organize the troops, set up watch positions for guard rotation, and locate a steady supply of food for the hundreds of soldiers. The Inquisitor had wanted to talk to as many soldiers as possible to thank and congratulate them. She was as compassionate as always about every soul who sacrificed their time and blood for the Inquisition, and it was that exact reason that they followed her. They believed in her so ardently.

They had set up their camps on the upper levels of the fortress and we walked between the groups of men who had gathered around eating lunch and talking. Arianne and Abelas had moved ahead to speak with Rylen, while Dorian and I sat to speak with a group of men. We were offered some of the soup the battalion’s cook had made for supper, a kind sentiment but it was obvious from Dorian’s expression that he was just as impartial to it as I.

A soldier with blonde hair asked, “So how does one get into the inner circle?”

“I’m sorry?” I replied not knowing what he meant.

“You know, the group that always travels with the Inquisitor. No one ever dies in that crew…” There had been very few casualties during the siege, but losing any amount of men left the thought of death fresh in a soldier’s mind.

Another soldier agreed, “Yeah, that’s the place to be. So what did you do to get in good with the Inquisitor anyway?” 

I felt slightly uncomfortable with the conversation knowing exactly where it would go. “I am an expert on the fade, when the Inquisition first began I was able to supply insight and some answers about what had caused the breach.”

Dorian interjected with, “Don’t forget to put ‘Incredibly talented mage’ on the resume.” and I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or actually giving me a compliment. Which was the exact reason I had difficulty getting to know Dorian, I was perpetually stuck in the limbo of thinking he was either being kind or harshly insulting me.

“So you basically have to be a mage. Well, we’re out of luck, Gaven!” said the darker haired man, slapping the other’s shoulder.

“Nonsense… We do have some bows, some shields, and you can’t forget our token Warden, Blackwall.” said Dorian matter-of-factly.

A female soldier who had been standing nearby addressed me, “Wait, are you the elf? You’re him!”

I wanted to give a sarcastic reply along the lines of ‘Why yes I am an elf how nice of you to notice’, but I thought it best to keep my mouth shut. In response to both mine and Dorian’s confused looks, she continued. “You’re the one the Inquisitor is in love with!”  
“Well…” I attempted to speak but didn’t know how to respond. 

Dorian asked playfully, “How is it that gossip spreads about her love life even among the troops? Delightful.” 

“So it is true! Maker, what I wouldn’t do…” the dark haired male soldier began before being silenced by my threatening expression. 

Another woman spoke “Heard she left the commander for you, and now he’s heartbroken.”

“Arianne and Cullen were never together…” I said wanting to avoid stirring the gossip, but my own pride unallowing me sit back and say nothing. 

“But they were! I saw them kiss with my own eyes! In front of the Chantry, two days before she closed the breach.” said a soldier excitedly, happy to add to the conversation and to fuel the gossip. 

Dorian gushed, “My, my, Cullen. I didn’t know he had it in him. Would quite explain a lot though…” He seemed to enjoy the rumors, undoubtedly at my expense. 

The blonde soldier seeing that I was uncomfortable interjected, “You’re a lucky man! Having a woman most of Thedas is in love with...”

“Thank you.” I said respectfully. My eyes met Dorian’s stern expression. He, as well as most of those at Skyhold, was upset with me for what happened with Arianne. I knew that I should have been honest with the soldiers and told them that we were no longer together but I preferred not to have to explain why we weren’t. Arianne herself did not even know the extent of my reasoning and I owed strangers no more explanation than I could offer herself. I stood up and walked away from Dorian, wanting to evade the death glare he had secured on me.

I found Arianne and Abelas watching the training up on the ramparts. I came to stand beside her and gently touched the small of her back. She jumped at my touch. So many people were vying for her attention throughout the day, so many coming up to speak with her that she surely thought it could be anyone. Her expression soften into a warm smile when she saw it was me. 

We chatted about what we had learned from the soldiers and she was excited to be getting their perspective. “We should make a point to do this more!” She said enthusiastically. It made her happy to see the influence she had on these men, they all greeted her with hugs and praise, and it was obvious that they believed in her cause. She was a celebrity to them, but more than that they believed she had been touched by something divine. Perhaps she had, other than the obvious; the joke I could only ever tell to myself.  
Listening to her speak about her day, I couldn’t keep my thoughts from wandering to her and Cullen. It was possible that the gossip was just that, and nothing had actually happened, but it was also possible it was true. I asked myself why I would feel threatened by Cullen but the obvious answer was that I loved her still beyond reason, and even the smallest threat to that was unbearable.

The right thing to do would be to walk away from her forever and allow her to move on, that is what I had tried so impossibly to do, but she is the only thing that has ever had such control over me. I couldn’t stay away from her if I tried, and I was desperately trying.

“Solas... what’s the matter?” She could see that I was troubled. The night I took her to remove the vallaslin, I had wanted so badly to tell her who I truly was and what I had done. But I wasn’t strong enough. I was so worried that she would feel frightened or betrayed by me, regardless of how hard I had tried to right my mistake. I knew that once she saw who I was, more questions would come, more pain and more betrayal. 

“Please excuse me, Vhenan.” Her face lit up hearing the endearment as if it was a pleasant surprise. Did she really have no idea how terribly in love with her I was? I suppose I had learned how to hide my emotions too well over the years. She deserved answers that I would never be able to give. I turned away from her needing some air and descended down the steps to the lower platform where our camps were made. 

I heard her footsteps following me. “Wait! I’d like to come with you.” she said with that beautiful smile that nearly broke my heart. I pulled her to the side of the steps to let some others pass. Arianne looked at me intently, patiently waiting for an explanation.  
“Ari, you are so beautiful.” I sighed, forcing myself to say the words, “I think that it might be best if…” I couldn’t, I still felt as though she was mine, but she wasn’t. She truly was like the wind. Free, wild, and beautiful. No one could bottle the wind, keep it to themselves, and anyone who recognized its true beauty wouldn’t want to. I had an obligation to her, to set her free.

“What now?” disappointment was thick on her tongue.

“I think that you should be with Cullen. I believe that he may actually deserve you.” The words finally came. She gave me a look of outright shock that I wasn’t expecting. Without a single blink, she slapped me briskly across the face.

“You’re right, he does. It’s too bad the man I’m truly in love with doesn’t have the courage to try to be more deserving. Dirthara-ma, Solas!” she spun and walked away up the steps. I watched as Abelas reacted to her being upset. He pulled her into a one arm hug and walked with her away, finding a more private place as tears started to scroll down her flushed cheeks. 

I was pushing her into the arms of another man.

Wasn’t that what I wanted? Didn’t I need to see to it that she was happy, even if that meant she was happy with someone else? My love for her ran so deep, so desperate that I considered giving everything else up, to leave my responsibilities behind to spend my life with her. We could wake up every morning together, travel the world together and find new places in the fade. I could make love to her every night…

My face stung still from her slap, but I was more upset with myself. I wanted her to know she could move on, but she is as proud as I, and she inevitably saw it as me giving her my unnecessary ‘permission’. It was obvious to me that while she enjoyed being around Cullen, what she wanted most was for things to go back to how they were. He was a distraction, where I was what she needed to be distracted from. I saw it in her face, in every conversation we had together since. She searched for any hint that I still loved her and she had hung on my every word looking for a hidden meaning. I had been trying very hard to keep it concealed from her, but it was a truth that was impossible to conceal from myself. As unfortunate as it was, I would love her until I met whatever end I faced.

 

# CHAPTER IX

### Arianne

The Western Approach had been fully occupied with Inquisition forces and our work at Griffon Wing Keep was complete. It was the third day out of four of a most unpleasant trip back to Skyhold. The last three days had been filled with either bitter silence or nasty words shared between Dorian and Solas, or Abelas and Solas. Inevitably, after Abelas saw me in tears from Solas’ words he rushed to me to be of comfort, but it also stirred in him an anger that was unfamiliar to me. Every look he had given Solas since was hot searing hatred, but otherwise he said little to him at first. I wanted the drama to end there and to move on peacefully, but Dorian being Dorian, he confronted Solas. The two of them were never going to be the best friends, but this was the first time I had seen them at outright blows. 

Dorian asked Solas if his outburst was only to hurt me further or if it was in response to what the soldiers had said. I wasn’t aware that words had been exchanged about the matter. Apparently, rumors flew among the troops about an intimate moment between Cullen and I at Haven, more rumors that Cullen’s heart was broken about my relationship with Solas. No rumors had been spread about Solas breaking my heart, though. I wondered how that had happened. Solas responded to Dorian’s question by saying that Cullen was a good man, and that he could possibly make me happy. 

And that was when Abelas stepped in.

He got in Solas’ face as if to fight him. Out of his mouth spewed a string of elven curses that I didn’t know but by the look on his face, Solas most obviously did. I wondered if this was the result of the conversation the two of them had back at Skyhold, when Solas had confronted Abelas about his intentions with me. The elven continued, and I could understand bits and pieces, enough to know that Abelas had said ‘If you truly loved her, you would not give her away to another man, you would fight for her. You are no man worthy of her…’ Solas’ response was something along the lines of, ‘Better Cullen than you.’ 

Abelas’ eyes seared into Solas with absolute rage. I could feel the veil slightly disrupt as he pulled at it, readying himself to strike if he needed to.

“Stop it! Both of you!” I cried out. They both looked at me, their anger unwavering. Then Solas spoke in a pleading voice to Abelas, in elven again and I followed none of it. He was begging Abelas to understand. Why couldn’t he beg me to understand? What was he telling Abelas that he could not tell me? 

The two men calmed somewhat but Abelas still stormed out of the camp with a hot head. 

He took some time to cool off and returned looking much more tranquil than when he left. By that point most everyone had gone to bed and quiet had fallen over the camp. I was still sitting by my tent looking up at the stars, contemplating. I tried not to do that often, I didn’t like being alone with my thoughts with time to peel back the layers of my mind. I was terrified. Absolutely terrified by the fate I faced, and by what would happen were I to fail. As painful and annoying as the drama with the men in my life was, it honestly was a welcome distraction from my fears. Everything that had happened allowed me to think of something else other than the excruciating waiting. We had no leads and no information, all we could do is wait for Corypheus to strike. Possibly wait to die.

Abelas came and sat down beside me quietly and gazed up at the sky, too. We enjoyed the peace and quiet for a while together, it was a nice change from the yelling. After a while Abelas broke the silence, “Listen, Arianne… I don’t believe that Solas is doing any of this to hurt you. From what he said it seems like he has reason, something that he won’t tell you because he’s afraid it would hurt you more. I know that doesn’t make it any easier.”

“I’ve always known he’s had reason. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t trust me enough to be honest with me.” I took a deep breath trying to rid Solas’ face from my mind’s eye. All I could see was him smiling at me, laying by my side that first night we shared camped in the Hinterlands. The memory seared my chest with a violent pain. I tried to think of absolutely anything else, and then realized I had never confronted Abelas about the night of the masquerade.

“Can we talk about that kiss now?” I asked curtly, hoping to be done with it. I kept my tone stern trying to make it obvious that it was an issue and couldn’t happen again.

He rambled off what was more of a prepared defense than an apology. “I’m sorry, I had drank a lot of wine and was simply happy to see you. I didn’t think about it, it was impulsive, and….” A laugh he couldn’t contain interrupted his words, then he looked at me biting his lower lip to swallow back his giggles.

“What is it?” I tried to stay steadfast but a smile broke across my face as he squirmed and struggled not to burst into laughter. “Tell me!” When he didn’t respond I persisted further, curious as to what could possibly have been funny about what had happened. “Abelas, tell me now!”

“You confront me about the kiss as though to chastise me for it, and yet you had caught me off guard with how… intensely you kissed me back” He said with a smirk and a tone of sarcasm. “I mean, from you I was expecting some spark, everything about you spits fire. What I wasn’t expecting was the way you so willingly received my advances…” 

“I did no such thing!” My face flushed red as I thought about the kiss. Abelas’ words had the same effect as his lips, and they left my feeling out of control. He raised his eyebrows, waiting for me to admit to it. He wanted to know the effect he had on me.  
“I… I never said that I didn’t enjoy it, just that it shouldn’t have happened!” I admitted.

“So you did enjoy it!” he exclaimed delightfully. I jokingly told him not to get too cocky unless he wanted a red cheek like Solas. “I’ll make sure it doesn’t go to my head.” he said with a rather large, and much too proud smile still on his face. 

Both of us were exhausted but kept each other laughing in a delirious state of humor, telling each other stories and jokes until our stomachs hurt. Everyone else in the camp was sleeping and Abelas had to multiple times cover my mouth with his hand to stifle my laughter. He had such a sharp tongue and we both enjoyed making fun of people more than we should. I completely lost it when he was recalling a conversation that he had with Cole before leaving Skyhold.

Apparently, Cole had overheard some soldiers making weird sounds behind closed doors. Abelas told the story vividly, “So, naturally, Cole goes and knocks on the door to check on them, thinking they were hurt. His mind reading trick… or whatever, wouldn’t work because he can only detect thoughts when they are painful or have hints of sadness… At least that’s how he explained it.” Abelas paused to swallow back laughter and I begged him to continue. “Well… he was quite distraught about the indecent scene that he walked in on, and he came to me so terribly confused, asking if I could explain to him why people would intentionally hurt each other like that.” I let out a shrill pitch of laughter that I was unable to hold in. Abelas covered my mouth and pulled me under his arm trying to quiet me.

The noise woke Dorian up and he called out from his tent. “As much as I adore the both of you, please kindly shut the fuck up.” 

I responded with a meek, “Sorry!” trying not to giggle more. After that we calmed down and resigned ourselves to less capricious subject matters.

We decided that sleep was too far away and we were in the mood to talk until indecent hours of the morning. Grabbing blankets, we laid down near the fire to look up at the stars. Our conversation had gone from hilarious stories, to discussing dreams we had of the fade, to Corypheus and his assault on the heavens. We both tried to come up with reasons for why he would want to, and what had made him that way. Surely death was not so bad as to cause the world to nearly end trying to avoid it. Abelas, having been alive for so long, had some insight into it.

“I think he must be a person so different from us that we simply can’t understand. To live forever… unless you had something that made you happy, something to truly live for it would be pointless.” he said.

“Are there things that make you happy, that give you something to truly live for?” I asked him hopefully. After he had spoken about Corypheus and his immortality I was worried that he might find his life without meaning now that he was not protecting the temple.

He rolled over onto his side to rest his weight into his elbow and look me in the eyes. With a smile he said, “Arianne, I have so much to live for.” He put passion into everything he did, and with the Inquisition he had a way to help our people, but I knew there was another meaning to his words. 

Eventually the two of us found sleep and either by accident or design we ended up dreaming together in the fade. We walked the ancient streets of Arlathan, or how the fade reflected it. It was unfortunate that we could not also see the streets filled with people, but we walked through it rather as an abandoned stamp in time. It was obvious that Abelas came here often in his sleep. He had his favorite spots, his favorite views, and had stories to tell around every corner. The entire city looked like a luscious garden, like the Temple of Mythal but there were apartments, shops, and grand houses. Magic touched everything, formed everything, and was everything. 

I was slightly sad to be awakened from the pleasant dream, but the others had started to stir and as Abelas and I were laid out by the now extinguished fire, we were forced to get up even though we had only had about two hours of sleep. He helped me break down our unslept in tents and together we loaded our things quickly. 

Abelas made a joke under his breath, “Judging by the glares, I don’t think anyone slept well, suppose that is our fault?” I giggled at him and Solas gave me a sideways glance of disapproval, obviously not happy about the fact we were spending more time together. I dismissed the weird guilt that Solas’ look had stirred in my stomach and continued packing things onto the wagon. 

Abelas and I rode slightly ahead of the group on the way home, eager to get back. It was a quick trip of only half a day, and I was glad that I had urged us forward before making camp on the third day. The last day of the journey was always the longest and it was a nice surprise for the whole group when we arrived earlier than expected. Despite our exhaustion, everyone was chipper and excited to return home.

 

Unexpectedly, the merriment was cut off quickly for me and I was greeted with terrible news upon returning to Skyhold. Word had come by crow that my dearest friend in my clan had died. 

When I was chosen by our keeper to spy on the conclave, my young friend was very worried for me, and possibly for herself because she had never been without me. She was the only other mage besides the keeper and myself, and I had more of an affluent approach in instructing her than the keeper. Delharen was her name, and she had lost her parents as I had. We grew close after she was charged in my care to learn how to control her magic. I was her only family and she was mine, she was like a little sister to me and I knew I was more like a mother to her. Just days before I had sent a letter to her from the Western Approach, that I knew now she would never read. 

For the first time, I was angry with myself for leaving my clan. I had never fit there, it was never home to me but I felt guilty for losing any of the time I may have had left with her. She had been my only family before Skyhold. I was the only one in the clan she trusted fully. And I left her there. Alone. 

The letter from our keeper explained that she hadn’t died in a raid like most of our people, there had been peace since I became Inquisitor. Delharen had been hunting and was thrown from her horse, knocked unconscious after landing on the rocks below and never woke up. She was thirteen.

Leliana had delivered me the message and was the only other person who knew about it. They would hold the funeral before I could make the journey, so packing up and travelling there would be pointless.  
I was paralyzed by grief. I found myself sat at the bar of the tavern, as if I was unconsciously dragged there by my mind in search of something to dull the horrendous images that flashed in my head. She was still so little. Delharen would ask me almost every day, “Am I as tall as you yet, Ari?” and even though I was still a head taller than her, I would encouragingly agree that I thought she had grown, day after day. My mind would torture me over and over with thoughts of her innocence, undeserving of a life so short.

I had the bartender leave me the bottle of bourbon. There weren’t many people there as it was early in the afternoon. A couple people came up to ask if I was alright seeing the ill-concealed pain on my face, but I hardly heard anything they were saying. The world around me was muffled as I sat there unable to stop playing over every memory I had with Delharen. I was angry with myself. Maybe if I had been there this wouldn’t have happened. 

She was so young. That was the only think I could think about. The angry voice in my head repeated over and over, she was so young. She was so young… 

I could not move past the crippling thought that I would never receive another letter from her, and I would never be able to see how much she had grown when I returned to the clan. I would never be able to tell her, “See, I told you that you would grow taller than me!” I had never before felt a pain as strong as this.

The bartender cut me off after a while, he took the bottle and refused to give it back. “Inquisitor, I say this respectfully, you need to be with a friend. I’m not sure what happened, but more liquor will only make it worse when you wake up.” I knew he was right. I couldn’t go to Solas, didn’t want to go to Sera, or Dorian. I didn’t want Abelas to see me in this state. I was a puffy-eyed, disgusting mess, so I decided to be by myself.

The rest of the day I sat on my balcony looking out at the mountains and let hours and hours sneak by. I was at a loss for what to do or how to feel, but by the time that the sun had started to set I got the feeling that I was letting my life play out in front of me. I felt like I had no control over anything. Having something you believe is permanent in your life change so quickly causes you to see the world differently. It creates a sense of urgency and eagerness that can mess with your thoughts and dizzy you with uncertainty. It makes you want to either try desperately to cling to any control you have over your life, or it leaves a disastrous desire to let it spin wildly out of control, not caring about the consequences. 

For a time I was very distant. I went through the motions of my day, giving council at the war table, organizing troops, speaking to allies, but none of it felt real. I wore a mask of fake smiles and pleasantries. Few saw through it, and even fewer bothered to question it. Abelas was the only person in whom I confided my loss. He checked on me regularly and brought me my favorite foods to ensure that I was eating. I would lie and tell him I had been eating, but he knew better. I was numb and uncaring, and I supposed that this was how everyone felt after losing someone close to them. I reassured myself that there was a grieving process, focusing on the word process in the hope that the weeks to come make be easier to bear.

It’s true what they say about time being the only thing that heals. Two weeks later I began to feel lighter, but allowing emotion in again after it’s absence was a difficult task. I had always been good at concealing everything. I could lock away my emotions in a chest in my head and it made it easier to get through the day. The downfall was that when something happened to force open the chest, the thousands of suppressed thoughts and heartaches all came rushing out at once, overwhelming me. I told myself that I would have to someday learn how to actually deal with emotions like an adult, but today was not that day.

I missed my friend and my loss made me wary of losing others that I loved as well. We all had a gravely dangerous job, and yet life was so fragile as to expire after simply falling from one’s horse. I wandered upon the decision that I had to take my life into my hands and mold it into something I wanted, instead of sitting back watching it try to fumblingly mold itself.

 

Spending most of my time in the confinement of my rooms, I came across a bottle of scotch that Cullen had given to me as a gift after we made it to Skyhold. He had it sent from Val Royeaux as congratulations to me for being named Inquisitor. At the time the sentiment was somewhat unexpected and I had been since saving it for a special occasion. I thought about just drinking it all myself to continue the numbness that the alcohol from earlier provided, but I decided against the impulsive notion. It meant more to me than cheap booze drank to dull an unhappy night. I’d been thinking much about Cullen and how I had told him that I was ready to try to move on from Solas. I was confused by the way he had treated me. He showed me ardent and unfailing affection on some days, and on others he was distant. He never attempted to move forward with me. He never made outright claims of his intentions, even when I plainly stated mine.

Cullen was so respectful that I wondered if he would rather I make the first move in order to avoid forcing my decision. I wanted him to know that I was serious, and that I refused to waste anymore of my life waiting for Solas to realize my worth.

I pulled out the set of letter parchment from my desk; Ivory paper with a dark blue Inquisition seal. As the most prominent political power in Thedas, most people had either come to happily expect correspondence wrapped in my seal, or they had come to fear it. Today I wouldn’t be writing to discuss alliances or negotiate weapon contracts, instead I wrote a short note for Flissa to deliver to Cullen.

I paced back and forth in my chambers, anxiously waiting for Cullen’s knock. I was half worried that I was impulsively doing the wrong thing, but also was walking on the bladed edge of my new found desire to take what I wanted from my life. It was such a strange sort of emotion. I was unfeeling and clouded by thoughts of death and at the same time I felt so chillingly alive. The ultimate paradox. I was no longer afraid of something so small as telling Cullen how I felt. Why would I be afraid of that when my life could end tomorrow?

Why would I wait when my life could end tomorrow?

I wanted to be free, and I wanted to live. I had thought long and hard about what I would say to him and I was ready. For whatever came next. My life was no longer going to be an empty shell where my desires passed like waking dreams in front of me. I wasn’t afraid anymore.

My heart stopped when I heard a knock. “Come in.” I told him as I positioned myself on the edge of the bed. I wore a long black lace robe and nothing else. The sheer fabric was lightly draped over my chest and was tied loosely. The soft lace was transparent and clung to my body. As Cullen walked in his gaze fell upon me in hesitant excitement, and his eyes carved their way down from my chest to my legs. 

“Lady Levellan, I… was not expecting this.” he admitted with a nervous exhale.

I stood and walked over to him slowly, his golden eyes were as captivating as always. I could hardly stand to look away from them. 

“Do you remember that scotch you bought me?” I went to my desk where I had set the bottle and two glasses. I poured us both a healthy amount and handed Cullen one of them. He walked forward and received it with a questioning look, apprehensive about where this was leading. “I had been saving it, unsure what occasion could possibly be worthy of a liquor so fine.” We clinked our glasses together and drank, then set them down. “I realize now, Commander, that there is no occasion it wouldn’t be wasted on… other than one that celebrates you.” He was surprised but I saw in his smile that he had been craving this moment, possibly playing it over and over in his head like I had been.

I unbuttoned and slid the uniform jacket off of his soldiers, letting it fall to the floor. 

His eyes fell to the ribbon holding my robe closed, questioning himself whether he should untie it or not. “Are you certain about this?” he said reprehensibly.

I said nothing. I looked in his eyes and I was flooded with emotion, but not good things. I felt anger and impatience burn like a searing iron in my side as I listened to his careful words. His self-discipline was admirable but what I wanted was for him to reach out and take his desires without thinking. I wanted him to take me in his arms as though he couldn’t possibly wait another second to ravish me. The way Solas always had. 

I chastised myself for thinking of another man as I stood in front of Cullen, nearly naked. I wanted to feel my knees go weak as he stole a violent, impassioned kiss. I wanted him to throw my robe off without asking, without wondering if it was okay. I needed him to take what I knew he wanted, because I so badly wanted to make him happy. I needed it to feel alive, his happiness, his touch, his desires, all of it.

I stood on my tiptoes to place a single kiss on his lips, but pulled back unsure of his reaction. We looked at each other for a second in hesitation, before Cullen suddenly picked me up in his arms and our lips met again. Finally, he gave in to me. I wrapped my legs around him and he carried me to the bed, never breaking away from my kiss. 

He laid me down softly onto my unmade bed, his kisses straying down to my neck and chest. The weight of his body on top of me made my mind spin as if the room were moving. The scotch was strong, almost as potent as Cullen’s intoxicating kiss. I watched as he slowly untied my robe and pulled it open so that I was bare to him. I wrapped my grip into his tunic, and pulled him back to me. I kissed him just as passionately, just as fiercely as I had that night in Haven.

Feeling Cullen’s touch again was an indescribable euphoria. He had one hand wrapped around my neck softly, and the other wandered over my breasts, down my stomach, and then between my thighs. The fabric of my robe fell open more as he touched me and I fumbled with his clothes struggling to get them off as quickly as I could.

I broke away from his kiss to look at his handsome face, to look in his eyes. I wanted to savor the moment for a second, and commit the beautiful image to memory. He smiled sweetly at me and asked, “What is it?” playfully curious as to what I was thinking about in a moment like this. 

With a hopeful expression I asked, “Do you love me, Cullen?”

“You’ve always known that I do. Do you love me? That is the real question…” He said jokingly. I said nothing and pulled him by the collar of his shirt to meet my lips again. He gave into my kiss for a moment but then he paused and pulled away.  
“You didn’t answer me.” he said, urging an explanation.

“I thought it was a joke that didn’t need an answer.” I responded matter-of-factly.

“Ari…” he scooted back to sit at the end of the bed as though being near me was dangerous. I suppose it was. He let out a large sigh, rubbing his thumb into his brow. “What are you doing?” he asked in an exasperated and impatient tone.

I sat there staring at him unaware of what to say, confused about why he would not be ecstatic that I was even attempting to give our relationship a chance. For so long we had been seemingly waiting for the right time for us. My mind flitted back and forth trying to find the right words, “I’ve been waiting for you to make a move and you never did. I told you a while ago that I was ready to try… and that I was over Solas!”

“But you’re not!” his yell came out louder than either of us expected and we both sat there in the shock of it. “I’m sorry, I…” He tried to get the words out, but they seemed to pain him.

I moved closer to him and held his face gently in my hands trying to get an answer from him. “Why didn’t you even try? You just now told me that you’ve always loved me, but… what? What stopped you?”

He looked defeated, and I was exhausted by trying to figure out why he wouldn’t just give in to me. 

I wanted so badly to love him. 

Cullen stood up and walked over to look out of the doors that led to the balcony. I followed him but kept my distance, feeling as though I might ruin things even more if I got too close. He let out a sigh of resignation, then looked down at the floor before he spoke. 

“Arianne… there’s a difference between being with someone who is good to you, and being with someone who is good for you. I know you… better than you may think. And while I would spend everyday for the rest of my life, spend all of my energy trying to make you happy, at some point it wouldn’t be enough for you.” I tried to interject but he shook his head and continued. “I can’t give you the love you had with Solas. The two of you… As much as I hate the man and try to convince myself he’s bad for you, he always unfailingly knew what was best for you. Yes, the two of you fought but any man to even have a chance of loving you would need a spirit equal to yours, or he would bore you. And I…” he paused unable to continue until he caught his breath. More softly he spoke, “You are stubborn, it’s not a flaw, it’s simply your nature. And I am a fool for you… I would bend over backwards and do whatever you wanted. I don’t challenge you. I would give you anything you desired, do anything to make you happy… but that’s not what you need. And if you’re honest with yourself it’s not what you want.”

I stood back looking at him in awe. “But I want you.” The words tasted sour and strange coming off of my tongue. 

“I want you, too.” Cullen’s eyes started to shine with tears but he quickly blinked them away, afraid that I would see.

Knowing that I was losing him I tried desperately one last time to convince him. “But you love me, so why would you walk away when I’m at your feet telling you that I want you?” I was unable to hold back tears as my voice cracked.

He came closer to me, brushed my hair from my face and fiercely searched my eyes. He watched as the tears spilled from them and streamed down my cheek. His ill-concealed pain took the breath from my lungs. He was so moved by my distress that I wanted to comfort him, pull him into a hug and tell him that it was alright, but I didn’t. Cullen quickly tried to brush each teardrop away as they fell onto my cheeks, each one cutting deeper at his heart with guilt. He had never before made me cry and the sight broke his heart. 

“Why?” I asked again.

“Because it’s the right thing to do.” was all he said. Then he kissed me one last time, holding on as long as he could before breaking away and leaving the room hurriedly, unable to bare the pain any longer. I would never forget the look of agony on his handsome face or the single tear that fell from his red eyes.

I picked up the bottle of scotch to look at it for a second. My eyes ran over the outline of the gold Orlesian label with tears streaming down my face. I stared at it, so painfully unsure of what to do or how to handle the rage that was building in my chest. I was completely helpless. Pathetic. The bottle in my hands blurred from my vision as the tears that I couldn’t hold in started to spill over. I sat there for what felt like hours as if I was paralyzed from moving. The robe that I had put on for Cullen was soaked in tears. I didn’t care to even try to wipe them away and they streamed down to my chest. I turned the scotch over in my hands, two hours ago it had been such a symbol of hope. It was a promise of a new start. Now, it was nothing but a reminder of how out of control my life felt. I threw the bottle at the wall, needing to hear the sound of it break. 

It shattered and fractured into pieces that fell to the floor, as I did into a pile of despair and tears and pain.

 

# CHAPTER X

Many knocks came to my door over the next day but only Abelas was able to disarm the enchantment I put over it. Ever since the kiss things had been different between us and it was probably best that he had been sleeping in the quarters Josephine had prepared for him. They still were not fully furnished or decorated as much as Josie would like, and Abelas still kept most of his things in my chambers, but he knew that I had needed space.

Now, I needed him closer than ever but didn’t know how to tell him that. He walked up to me cautiously, knowing me well enough to know something was off. I was sitting on the ground with my knees to my chest, looking out the open french doors on the balcony. A freezing cold wind rushed through the open doors, but I hadn’t wanted to move to shut them. I had cried so much when Delharen died that I felt I was unable to cry anymore, I could only sit there numb. Abelas shut the doors tightly, threw a cotton blanket over my shoulders then sat in my desk chair, just to the left of me. He knew I needed nothing more than his presence and anything else wouldn’t be of much help. 

Cullen’s timing was bad but I understood his reasoning. I had been telling myself I could learn to love him. I already cared so much for him. It was a mistake to think that one night in my bed could allow us to move forward. Cullen’s words hurt me, because I knew he loved me and I wanted so badly to make him happy. I guess that meant that I did love him, but I was by no means in love with him. That was the worst part. The guilt that came from realizing my selfishness with him was overwhelming. I had used him as a crutch, and as much as I wanted to take care of him it was unfair of me to allow a temporary reprieve in his arms when he knew I would never want more.

He was right though. I would end up overpowering him until he resented me, and I would grow uninterested. Loving Solas so deeply and irrevocably demonstrated to me the kind of person that my soul craves. It would never be fair to Cullen because I would continually compare him to the kind of person I wished I was with. 

My heart had ached for a release from the pain of losing my young friend, and I was wrong to think that Cullen could be that release. 

Some people never become adequately acquainted with pain. It’s not a cloak comfortably worn by themselves and they don’t like the look of it on others. They don’t take the time to look at it, or to appreciate it thoroughly. They don’t try to understand it. I had tried desperately to brush it off, to hastily attempt to replace it with fake happiness, but I had misunderstood. 

Pain that deep deserves to be felt.

Abelas without asking what had happened cleaned up the mess of the broken scotch bottle and washed the wall with a spell. He cleaned up my room picking up things here and there, and eventually tried to ask me what had upset me. I told him I was simply upset still about my friend’s death, because what had happened with Cullen didn’t matter at this point. It was over and it was probably a good thing, regardless of the pain in my chest. Trying to get me out of the room, Abelas told me that they would still be serving dinner. I dressed in the clothes he handed me and we went down to eat. I was usually good at pretending that I was okay, but I did not want to see Cullen.

Our table was still filled with people even though they were finished eating. They had left my spot open at the head of the table, whether purposely or out of habit I wasn’t sure but either way the sentiment meant much to me. Solas’ expression was expecting of my grief, surely he had noticed my absence in the past days since Delharen had died. I had been avoiding everyone. Solas stood as we reached the table and unexpectedly pulled me into a soft embrace. I was so surprised by it that I almost pulled away, as I was used to Solas being cold and unfeeling towards me. I hadn’t been in his arms since the night he ended it.

He whispered quietly into my ear, “Abelas told me of your friend. I’m so sorry. Please don’t be frustrated at him for telling me, and please allow me to help you as you helped me in the loss of my friend. The thought of you being in pain...”

I pulled him to me even tighter and buried my head in his shoulder, urging myself not to burst into tears again. His arms around me were the biggest comfort I could have asked for. I rested my head on his shoulder and we spoke for a while about our plans for the next couple days. We stood like that, never breaking apart for so long that my legs started to tire. The others at the table beside us went about their conversations and ignored us entirely. I was almost scared to let go of Solas, thinking that if I did that I might not ever be able to feel the warmth of his arms again.

“Will you be alright to visit Val Royeaux for the negotiations?” he asked protectively.

“Yes, I’ll be fine, ma vhenan.” His arms squeezed me tighter as the endearment fell from my tongue. 

“I will go with you, of course.” Solas was afraid for me, I could hear it in his voice.

“Thank you.” he did not know what it meant to have his support. I had been so angry at him for telling me to be with Cullen only because I thought it meant he didn’t care, but the loving hug he had yet to relinquish me from, proved that he cared more than he wanted me to know.

 

As one of the servers brought out mine and Abelas’ food, Solas left to pack for Val Royeaux. I sat down across the table from Abelas. I wanted to thank him for telling Solas about Delharen, but didn't know how. He knew Solas’ support would help more than anything. The two of us sat and ate, chatting about Orlesian customs Abelas should be wary of. The Orlesian game was new to him and I worried what that might mean, but he was so full of grace and charm. I was worrying just for the sake of worry. He seemed eager to learn more and advance our ties with Briala. 

I was glad that he had made me leave me rooms. I didn’t realize how much it helped to have the distraction, but Abelas always had a way of making me feel more comfortable and relaxed. I credited it to his calm sweet demeanor, and his likeness to me. Throughout anything that had happened, he was right by my side doing anything he could to ease my pain. His friendship had become precious to me.

 

The negotiations at Val Royeaux were to be held in the council building the following day. The Emperor had us housed in the most lavish hotel in Orlais, and a knock came to our door every ten minutes with another invitation to a different noble’s fete. Our apartments were all connected by a grand hall, and then mine, Solas’, Abelas’, and Cullen’s rooms were off to the side of the main hall. They were stunningly decorated in the Orlesian fashion, gold accents covered the walls and the furniture. The balcony off the main hall had a breathtaking view of the city lights, and we all crowded together out on it to take in the sight. The sunset had just broken over the sky into soft ribbons of gold and pink and orange. 

This evening we were supposed to dress for a dinner in the Emperor’s honor, and I looked most forward to discussing my plans with Briala. We readied ourselves for the dinner, and dressed in the navy and black ensembles I had an Orlesian dressmaker whip up especially for this occasion. For the talks we would wear our standard formal Inquisition uniforms. My gown for the evening was a long black flowing ensemble with a slit up the side, as I refused to wear the full frilly skirts of the Orlesian style. I was an elf, and I would wear elven clothing if it pleased me, and it did. I pinned my hair up and draped a dazzling diamond choker over my neck. I knew the men of the evening would gape at the necklace and marvel at its cost, guessing whom could have bought it for me. I would take immense pleasure in staring them right in the face and telling them that I bought it for myself. Most of the Orlesian men I encountered had to be reminded that while, yes, I was a woman, but I was also the most powerful sovereign in all of Thedas.  
The men wore Navy velvet jackets and black trousers. I had to help Abelas fix all of his buttons and his Inquisition honor pins as he was only used to dressing in simple elven clothing and armor. With his long hair and vallaslin he was the perfect mix of ruggedness and elegance in his honor uniform. Then of course there was Solas, poised and perfect, and Cullen with his burly herculean charm. Everyone of them looked dangerously handsome. I figured it would pull on the strings of Orlesian curiosity and help add to the intrigue that already shrouded the Inquisition. 

Abelas’ presence was heavily anticipated as rumors had spread about him and the Temple of Mythal. At the dinner he was the focus of conversation as question after question was hurled at him about the long lost elvhen culture. He was doing an excellent job of cutting down any less than favourable rumors of modern elves as well. He easily navigated conversation with the nobles and managed to keep control of the evening with his charm. With myself, Abelas, and Solas representing the Inquisition, the nobles were at least growing more accustomed to speaking to elves other than those who were their servants. 

Briala had begun to implement policies to make life easier for the elves in servitude. She was moving away from what was almost slavery and towards liveable wages and fair treatment, which was a tolerable start. We couldn’t afford to move too quickly if we were to avoid uprising, but we were nowhere near finished.

The dinner had seven courses, some more palatable than others. Gaspard was being quite pleasant regardless of his dislike of me for the hand I played in Briala gaining control. After the dinner I pulled the Emperor to the side, offering him a glass of wine. I told him discreetly that I wouldn’t allow Briala do to anything unfavorable, and assured him that I only needed Briala to better the lives of my people. As long as he aligned himself with her, he would still have full control, and my support. It would be better for everyone if Gaspard believed he had more control than he actually had. I excused myself to join the group gathered around my other men. 

Cullen was off discussing military tactics with a Chevalier captain and I was most determined to avoid him. Solas and Abelas were sharing stories of Arlathan with the Comtesse de Ivre, they were so animated about the magic and simple way of life. I thought back to the first time Solas described to me what had been lost, “Imagine instead spires of crystal twined through the branches, palaces floating among the clouds. Imagine beings who lived forever, for whom magic was as natural as breathing. That is what was lost.” 

He and Abelas were so similar that it was strange to me. They could have easily grown up down the road from each other, experiencing the same things. Even their demeanor was almost the same, other than Solas being more reserved and elegant, Abelas being more sarcastic and bold. They both had this righteous glow to them. 

Abelas looked up to see me watching them talk from a distance, and he smiled instantly. The Comtesse questioned him about something, but he was thoroughly preoccupied with smiling coyly back at me. I could have sworn that he bit his lip as though to tease me, but he was startled as Solas nudged him with his shoulder impatiently. He turned back to the Comtesse to ask her to repeat her question. I laughed under my breath at how much my presence affected him. His expression when talking to anyone else was stern and unwavering, uninterested even, but a single look from me warranted a smile and his full attention. He answered the Comtesse’s question as briefly as possible and then excused himself to walk over to me. Solas’ eyes followed him apprehensively as he walked up and placed my arm on his then escorted me out to the balconies. 

It was a nice change to stand on the balcony as wine and food was offered, looking out at the lights of the city instead of the snow filled mountains. Most of the nobles at this point had observed me at the game and recognized that it was a bad idea to try anything, so their company had become more pleasant. They tip-toed around me, complimented me, and asked me few questions hoping to not garner any disapproval. They treated me as they had Celene, as a power that they feared, and a woman they didn’t dare piss off.  
When we were offered to be poured fresh wine by one of the servants, Abelas unapologetically took the whole bottle in his hand, then with his face unchanging thanked and excused the serving girl. I was amused and also somewhat impressed at how his potent will allowed him to do whatever he pleased. He seemed contented to limit himself to the pleasures of my company, regardless of the opportunity his charismatic demeanor could afford. His allure could have easily allowed for five naked Orlesian woman to already be anxiously awaiting him in his chambers, but he wasn’t interested.

Abelas’ conversation was as usual the best medicine for me, and the night slipped away quickly as we wove intricate conversations from each other’s thoughts. It was effortless to talk to him and there was something so intimate, so sensual about sharing a bottle of wine. He held the neck of the bottle casually as his arms were crossed leaning on the balcony railing. The sight was a cool drink my eyes took in eagerly. It was a refreshing break from the relentless etiquette and Orlesian civility to see him carelessly standing there, as though some renegade vagabond from another life, with a story no one else knew, and a captivating rough allure. He took a long swig and then held the bottle out to me.

I took it from his hand, and was apprehensive about drinking more as I was already starting to feel a little tipsy. “If I didn’t know better, I would say that you’re trying to get me drunk, Abelas.” I took a swallow of the sweet red, pleased with myself and my joke.  
As I brought the bottle down from my mouth, Abelas’ gaze was secured on me. He looked as though he was struck by my words, as though any second he might rush forward and kiss me again. I didn’t move, afraid of what might happen next. He traced from my eyes, to the soft curl of hair that had fallen from my pins, and then locked on my lips going over them again and again longingly. I was curious to know where his thoughts had wandered, I wanted to know what desires made him look at me in such a way. I searched for clues in his eyes which were illuminated by the torch behind me. They were so beautiful; light yellow flecked with soft grey, they would knock the breath out of anyone. Abelas had either had too much wine or he was just as intoxicated by this moment as I was. He moved towards me as though he was impatient from being away from me for so long, as though he had made his mind up and gave in. He pulled me to his body and then placed both his hands on each side of my head, resting his forehead sweetly against mine. 

I didn’t pull away, being with him made all the other pain and hurt disappear. I had resigned myself to him. Just for tonight. I resigned myself to the smile that he only gave me, the charming influence he had over me, and the longing look of desire his eyes had yet to release me from. I resigned myself to whatever hold he had on me, I was growing tired of trying to understand it. 

He began muttering something softly in elven and a soft blue light illuminated around us. What felt like static surged through me, I almost jerked away from him as he left small static runes over my body. But I didn’t move. The little icy runes all snapped and then disappeared making popping noises, and running chills down my back. The glittering elven words that poured from his mouth ceased and the glowing light faded. 

I pushed myself away from his chest to try to make sense of what had happened, but Abelas caught my wrist in his hand. He shook his head, commanding me to stay then his face softened. He gave me a tender, vulnerable smile, as if asking me to trust him. He put his other hand on the back of my shoulder, then traced the curve of my back going lower, and lower feeling all the way down to my hips. Abelas pulled me briskly to him. I closed my eyes and let out an abrupt sigh as my body roughly met his. He cupped a hand on the back of my head, wrapping me in a sweet embrace and nestling my head under his chin. I always forgot how tall he was. Every inch of me touched every inch of him. I buried my head in his chest and was enjoying the warmth of his arms as the night air had cooled. I had heard someone walk up behind us and stop but thought nothing of it at first. I raised my eyes and over Abelas shoulder I saw Solas standing a few feet away in the doorway as though he had been searching for me.

He looked at me with his eyes wide, then gave me a fake cordial smile. Solas had seen me hug Abelas before, but not in this way. The wine had made me dizzy. I closed my eyes for a second trying to clear my vision and when I opened them Solas was gone. 

 

Distraught over Solas evident confusion about the display on the balcony, I told Abelas that I had drank too much wine and needed to lie down. We excused ourselves from the party and he led me up to our rooms. It was clear to me that he didn’t want to end the night there. He watched me closely, as I opened the double doors to my room, his heavy gaze calculating as though he was watching prey. 

Predatory. 

We did indeed play a dangerous game. If we were at Skyhold I most likely would have let him lie in bed next to me and talk for hours like we had countless times before. To us it had been natural, and had changed nothing about our friendship, but tonight something was different. Abelas seemed more sure of himself and determined to do whatever he could to catch my breath. And it was working. Cullen and Solas sat in the salon chairs a few feet away from my door, in the middle of the main hall having a conversation. They pretended to have not noticed us. 

I slid through the opened door and then stuck my head out to Abelas, keeping it closed as a signal for him not to follow. He cocked his head to the side and gave me a sly smile. “Do you really think I would assume you are so easy to take to bed?” he said jokingly after seeing my reserve.

“No… I just think it might be a better idea for us to sleep apart tonight.” I told him quietly, giving him a signalling nod towards the others sitting a couple yards from us. He smiled and gently kissed the back of my hand, both of us aware that his lips lingered there longer than they should have. Then he walked away to go sit with the others. As I closed my door I could hear them greet him with insincere formality. It was a weird circumstance, having every man I had ever even slightly cared for all sitting outside my bedroom door chatting about shallow topics with forced civility. I imagined what Cole might say if he were sitting beside them able to hear their thoughts, and it filled me with more fear than it should have.

 

The talks the next day went as well as one could expect, with four elves present in the discussions of the fate of the Orlesian Empire. I brought Cullen, Josie, Solas, and Abelas with me as my advisors to discuss the terms of the Inquisition’s support. The Inquisition was at this point the most powerful force in Thedas, even without the backing of the Orlesian Chevaliers as soldiers. We had enough men and influence to leverage our alliance with Orlais in order to further our agenda.

“I want the Dales. All of it; the Exalted Plains, the Emerald Graves.” I said as more of a demand than a suggestion. I was determined to commandeer the negotiations as early as possible.

“You can’t be serious!” Spat the Emperor Gaspard.

I assured him that I was. “Your people hardly occupying the land anyway, and it is ruined by the last blight. You get barely any resources from this region, and surely it would be more beneficial for the Empire to trade with my occupied forces there rather than send out your own men for timber or herbs. Don’t be foolish, Gaspard. You are quick to forget that I am the only reason there is no longer unrest in the area. I myself chased the Freemen and the Venatori from the battered land. I myself rescued your men, women, and children holed up in the old Imperial fort, when you failed to treat it with urgency.”

“And I am to, what? Give this land over to the Inquisition? Your organization, and your power are temporary.” He said venomously.

Briala interjected, delighted by the chance to spite him, “You will grant the Inquisitor, Arianne Levellan a title and the land.”

His face flushed a shade of scarlet and looked as though the last deep inhale of breath he was holding in might shoot out of his ears. “Give a title of nobility… to an elf savage?!”

I couldn’t keep a smile from spreading over my lips at the sight of his distress. “Should we, Gaspard, allow you time to consider the outcome, should you decline?” I said, the threat falling from my lips effortlessly.

“It is dangerous for one to be so skilled at the game. There will be uprisings if I grant you that title.”

Solas cut in offended by Gaspard’s last words. “Respectively Emperor, I might remind you that it was your countrymen who ran to Skyhold to fight under her banner… And the force you claim as your own, your Chevaliers blaze into battle facing death shouting in honor one name, and it is not yours.”

Gaspard dropped his head in defeat, “Fine. You will have your title, Inquisitor, but that is the last favor from me. Fairbanks certainly turned down his claim to the land anyhow. Mind you, as a noble you are still governed under my rule. Little will change.”

“And you, Gaspard, are still under the alliance to the Inquisition. I believe that this concludes our discussion… Gentlemen.” I said respectively but demonstrating that it was by my word, not Gaspard’s, that the negotiations were concluded.

 

# CHAPTER XI

After the negotiations and returning to Skyhold, Josephine’s correspondences confirmed what I had already suspected. The Orlesian commoners loved me, while the Orlesian nobility was terrified of me, and that was exactly the corner I wanted them backed into. Gaspard had not done well containing dissent from the nobles, while my new presence in Orlais had quieted them into a reverential submission.

In the hall at dinner I overheard Cullen animatedly telling the story of my success in the negotiations. I smiled to myself at his proud words as I sat in the chair at the head of the table, signalling the servers to begin bringing out the food. It had gone without my notice until that moment that everyone had begun to treat me differently. They had always treated me with the utmost respect and devotion, but now it was deeper. Soldiers bowed as I passed, the servants would curtsey and avoid looking me in the eye, and the most intriguing of all were the chants, the songs. The chants spoken by the faithful, both to elven gods and human, all contained my name, and not ‘The Inquisitor’, but Arianne. 

The protector of the innocent, righteous Arianne  
Leader of the faithful, and savior of the fallen.

It was unnerving but also gave me incredible confidence in their loyalty to our cause. Our next victories would not come so easily. Corypheus hid in the shadows, no doubt waiting for the right time to strike, and the threat of unrest in the Frostbacks urged me forward.

Abelas had been tasked by Briala and I with recording what he knew of Elvhen culture, which was no small undertaking. He was overwhelmed by it, so I guided him to first write down everyday life, routine and etiquette. We sat at the table in the garden, and I wrote as he spoke. When I left for the Frostbacks I had to find someone else to pen Abelas’ words in my place. He spoke in the local tongue as a gift from Mythal but never had reason or means to learn to write it. Any of his letters to me he sent in Elven, which left me struggling sometimes to read them. 

I had mistakenly asked Solas once to help me translate a letter from Abelas. He had sent it to me when he was off helping excavate an elven ruin. I had stayed behind at Skyhold as other dealings needed my more immediate attention. I remember handing the letter to Solas and pointing to the line I didn’t understand. His face had flushed red and he gave it back to me quickly saying nothing but, “I don’t suppose it’s appropriate for me to be reading your private letters Inquisitor, please excuse me.” I laughed wondering what Abelas could possibly have written that would have caused such a stir in Solas. I had forgotten about it until Abelas and I sat in the garden that beautiful calm morning. 

“Abelas, do you remember the letter you sent me, the one when you were at the Temple of Dirthamen?” He nodded in acknowledgment and I proceeded to inquire about the particular line I had trouble translating. I repeated the fragments of what I remembered, trying to jog his memory.

He laughed at me coyly and grabbed a piece of paper from my lap, writing the elven words down to demonstrate to me their meaning. “It’s only a loose translation, more like slang, which is probably why you didn’t understand. Roughly, it means ‘I long for you to warm my bed’.” Abelas chuckled at the look his words brought about my face, one of shock certainly. My thoughts were on Solas and his reaction to reading the words. He knew that I had not understood Abelas’ words but he didn’t know what had, or rather had not, warranted them. 

Abelas continued, “I meant it simply as a statement to demonstrate that I felt your absence, and that I wanted to be close to you again. But I will admit it was bold of me. It is perhaps good that, at the time, you misunderstood.”

“And what has changed so much from then, to now, pray tell?” I said curiously.

“I believe that I’ve made my intentions quite clear, Arianne.” Abelas gave me a look that sent chills down my spine and imprudent thoughts through my head. It amazed me how alluring he was even while saying so little, and being so reserved. He was so calmly determined to win me over, confident and unrushed. His gaze unnerved me, it made me blush and I forced myself to look away. I generally took the pleasure of being the one in control, molding people into my hand to do what I wanted, but Abelas had a hold over me that I didn’t quite understand. His silent influence, dominance, both excited and confused me. I cleared my throat and forced a different subject of conversation, turning it back to the records we were writing.

 

Our group moved out to meet our scouts in the Frostbacks. It wasn’t a far journey but a perilous one through the icy mountains. We had to make camp multiple times just to sit around the fires and warm up. One of the advantages of having mages in our forces was that fires were not hard to start. The Templars who had joined our ranks had become less on edge around mages and more open to the practical uses of magic. The Chantry circles failed to teach mages the correct ways to avoid possession, this ignorance bred both hostility and danger. Travelling with even a small group of soldiers was harder than travelling with just us four. I could see why Cullen believed in being so strict when moving troops, it was like dealing with hundreds of children.

It was the end of the frosts and it progressively got warmer each day, the bright sun was melting the snow making the rivers rise and the grass underneath start to green. The frostback basin was different than the stories I had heard growing up. I was told that they were barren, hardly inhabitable and always cold, just like the mountains surrounding Haven. Instead we found ourselves in flower filled mountain valleys with vast rivers and waterfalls towering from a thousand feet above. The Avaar tribes who live in the area were in conflict with each other and had requested Inquisition assistance. The radical tribe dedicated to Harkon were threatening the release of an archdemon, a problem to rival that of Corypheus and the quicker we could stamp it out the better. 

Solas had decided to come with me and despite being very distant was being kind to me. He didn’t say much and seemed to be waiting for me to speak first about the multiple issues between us that we had been ignoring. I didn’t have to explain to him over and over again that Abelas and I were nothing when Solas and I were no longer together. It was no longer his place to be of any disagreement. 

I had brought with me Dorian, Blackwall, Vivienne, and of course Cole knowing he would come anyway. He was very protective over all of us and he explained that he could help more ‘out in the world’. Everyone had started to grow close to Cole, they were seeing his true nature and his desire to help people at all costs. His random thought vomit still could easily stir all of us up, though. No one liked not being able to conceal their thoughts completely. 

Bull and his mercenary team planned on joining us in a week or so to help stamp out the threat. The amount of Avaar tribesmen in the area was much larger than we had originally thought. For the first couple days we camped near Sun Bear village and negotiated the terms of our assistance with the local tribe.

We had been surveying the area thoroughly and had found elven and tevinter ruins that were thousands of years before our time. Where there weren’t ruins, there were enemy camps, and finding a place to rest away from the threat became difficult. The steep descents of the mountains left no easy place for us to camp. Scout Harding had the idea to build camps from the ground up. So we did. Cullen commissioned soldiers to build tree-house like camps up into the trees themselves. Staircases spiralled around the trunks of ancient trees, leading up to the camp just under the canopy. It was something straight from the dreams of a child.

Before the canopy camps had been build, we slept lower in the valley just next to the tree line. It would be safer when were up higher because down that low in the valley we could see nothing, but everything could see us. We had extra scouts assigned for protection in our camps while the construction was underway, and the rest of the soldiers either worked to build the canopy camps or had settled further north along the river.

When we were travelling it had become somewhat of a tradition to sit around the campfire and have dinner every night. On this particular night Vivienne was sharing stories about her time at court and how it was to see all of those people at the masquerade. “Arianne, dear, do you think it would be possible for you to attend a soiree at the Chateau Dubois Callias with your dear Abelas? The Lady Callais is most intrigued by the handsome sentinel and it is no doubt that you would make a splash just showing up to the fete on his arm. It might also be an excellent opportunity to negotiate loyalty since you are coming into title soon. Do give it some thought.” No doubt word from the rendezvous with the Emperor had circulated and it had become a symbol of influence to have a chance to speak with the fabled Ancient Sentinel. 

Abelas effortlessly charmed any person he spoke to, and I didn’t want to admit to myself that I didn’t much like when others made his attention stray from me. Solas was sitting opposite me in front of the fire. Our eyes met and I looked away nervously, as though scared his stare might be able to read into my thoughts if I held his gaze for too long. I responded to Vivienne, “I don’t think that Abelas would really want…”

“Oh darling don’t be foolish. You and I both know that he would do anything you asked him to. The true question lies in whether you want to. Well... I should be off to bed!” She stood and walked briskly away.

I could hear Cole speaking in a low voice sitting with his back against the canvas of the tent, “Impulse, desire, want, need, but can’t have. Taking anyway, no thought just want. Instinct. ‘Why does he have this control over me?’ But love is too strong a word, and another wears it better. ‘But have his lips ever touched me so softly, ever stirred in me something so violent?’ ” I blushed knowing Cole was taking from my thoughts but said nothing hoping no one else had heard.

“Arianne… what’s Cole talking about?” Solas asked abruptly. Blackwall and Dorian exchanged nervous glances as though trying to communicate silently about whether they should get up and leave or not.

Cole continued, “I don’t know how to help. There’s too much. Her hurt runs deep, deeper than the good. She is sad to see pain on his face but he pushes her into the other’s arms. He gladly accepts. ‘But I thought of you as I kissed him’....”

Solas stood up with anger rising in his chest. “What? Is this true Arianne?” I stood and started to walk away, into the forest, down the valley, anywhere else, just wanting to escape. I heard Solas move to follow me until we were out of earshot of Blackwall, Dorian and the others. We were a few hundred feet from the camp, and the trees around us blocked any light leaving it almost impossible to see, His footsteps had stopped but I kept walking. What Cole said was true, but that didn’t mean there was anything to discuss. “Don’t walk away, please!” I didn’t listen. “Arianne…” he pleaded with me, “did you kiss him?” His voice almost cracked.

I stopped, my back still to him. 

“Yes.”

He stood not far behind me saying nothing, but I could hear his breath catch abruptly in his throat.

“I’m sorry, Solas.”

I faced him slowly. He looked completely devastated and for some reason that made me angry, made it worse.

“If you couldn’t stand me being with someone else, then why did you leave?” Solas seemed shocked by the anger in my words. I was yelling without meaning to, but I couldn’t stop. “You were more than happy to give Cullen your blessing.” Spite was thick in my voice.

“I thought you wanted to be with him! Regardless, it was different with Cullen, he would be kind to you but it would never detract from what we had, Abelas is…”

“You’re afraid that I would grow to love Abelas… as I loved you? And you knew that would never happen with Cullen.” I waited for him to respond but he didn’t look up from the spot he was staring at on the ground, trying to conceal his thoughts. It was selfish of him to try to keep me from someone I might actually have a chance of happiness with. It was the first glimpse I had gotten of what I had for so long hoped, that he was refusing to let me go completely. I started towards him, “You should know that replacing you is an impossible task. I couldn’t begin to try. I’m doing everything I can to move on, only because I have no other choice.”

He refused to look up at me as I walked closer. Then his face changed to anger. “I should have known when I saw him mark you!”

“Wait… what are you talking about?”

“I saw the two of you on the balcony in Val Royeaux… I didn’t think you would know what it meant to him, but I didn’t think anything would come of it anyway! Before, I was so sure that you wouldn’t have feelings for him and therefore I had no doubt that the spell would even work… Did you think he was muttering in elvhen just because the moment struck him? And when an orb of light surrounded the two of you? Entirely normal to you, was it?”

“What are you getting at, Solas?” My impatience was swelling and I could tell that he was growing more upset. It frightened me to see him yell like this.

“What Abelas did was as good as marking you as his soulmate. Now you will be forever connected to him, able to communicate with him somehow… I’m not really sure how it works exactly, it’s an ancient elvhen magic. But I know what the sentiment meant to him and it’s insulting to me that he would do it without even asking you first.” Solas sighed, “You’ll have to excuse me, I can’t do this anymore.” 

He started to walk away.

“Solas… Listen to me. Regardless of what Abelas has done, it does not mean that I feel the same way. Whatever this mark means, it is nothing to me. If it means that much to you then I will speak to him and have him remove it.” Solas didn’t respond and I could barely make out his face in the dark. “I am so unbearably angry with you because you know exactly what I want…. And you love me too. I see it in your eyes when you look at me, you can’t pretend like this isn’t killing you.” I was nearly ready to collapse to my knees in the dirt. 

“Have you stopped to think that maybe this is all happening because of Mythal? Have you heard any voices lately? Because it seems to me that Mythal only has ever contacted you when you were with Abelas. The Vir’Abelasan was only supposed to allow you access to the past servants of Mythal, and yet she contacts you directly when you and him are together. You are both bound to her, have you not considered the possibility that she might be influencing you towards someone else she is able to control? Because what I cannot truly believe is that you could have feelings for him when I know that you still love me too.”

When I kissed Abelas the voices had overwhelmed me and seemed to be responding to his touch. My visions had only happened when I was at Skyhold with him. But Mythal had said, “a halla for a halla, not for the wolf” which had nothing to do with Abelas. I could hardly remember the moment it was such a blur. It was more likely to me that Solas needed something to blame for not having an answer to a problem for once. 

I spoke defiantly, wanting to end this drawn out dramatic separation. “If you really do love me then you have a choice to make; you can either agree to try again or… we can agree to end this for good, meaning no jealousy, no relationship whatsoever other than a professional one.”

“Well, that is not what I want.” he said emotionlessly. 

“Then please tell me what you do want, because I am so exhausted by trying to guess!” My eyes were filling with tears. I was worried that the others were still close enough to hear. Being who I was, as a person and as someone of significant standing, it was not comfortable for me to be this vulnerable and I refused to stand in front of him crying as if out of some act of desperation. I could see through the dark enough to know that Solas’ eyes mirrored mine, but his expression was obstinate, refraining. He softly said nothing more than, “Vhenan” then turned and walked backed to the camp leaving me alone in the darkness of the trees.

 

# CHAPTER XII

The next few weeks dragged on. We had been trying to reclaim the Frostbacks and remove any control that the Jaws of Hakon had. Raiding and retaking five of their settlements, we were well on our way. One evening we were making our way back to the now finished canopy camp in the north. With help from the Chargers we had reclaimed another enemy camp today, and planned on heading back for dinner. We were all in a distracted mood, wanting to reach the camp to hungrily feast on whatever the cook had made after our long day. We were on foot so it was taking a while to cover the ground to reach the camp. The sun was near setting and the birds that had been filling the air with song suddenly went silent. A tenseness of instinct filled the air.

I was the only one who noticed that the birds had stopped singing, Dorian and Blackwall were joking about something ahead of Solas and I. Dorian let out an annoyingly loud laugh, and Solas was beside me messing with some new fire spell he was trying to come up with. I felt an uneasiness in the veil, similar to how it acted when we are around the hundreds of mages at Skyhold. Their magic pulled on the veil even when they weren’t casting magic and those attuned enough could sense their presence.

“Something’s wrong.” I said quietly. The two in front stopped to listen around and we all stood motionless. From seemingly nowhere, around 25 Hakon mages revealed themselves from their cover in the surrounding woods. 

We were encircled by them. 

“You have been busy lowlander, stepping in problems that don’t concern you.” A very large man spoke, his face was covered in white and black war paint. 

“Problems that concern my allies, concern me.” I said unafraid.

He threw back his large head and laughed tauntingly. “The Sun clan? In what way does the Inquisition benefit from aligning themselves with a clan that can hardly feed their own?”

Solas responded to the man, “It benefits everyone to remove such malevolence as yourself.” I put a warning hand up to my men, warning them not to attack too soon.

“Enough talk. We do not generally take prisoners, but for you Inquisitor, we shall make an exception. I want each and every one of my camps handed back to me. If I have to hold you hostage to do it, so be it.” The mages then bound us before we could react, and we were unable to move. 

They loaded us all into a barred wagon and hauled us to their settlement. They had given us shots of something in a syringe that immediately made me feel as though all my mana had left my body. I still felt my connection to the fade but it was as though I was too exhausted to pull magic from it. I blacked out after being hit over the head and woke up as they shoved us off the wagon. I had no idea where they had brought us. Solas, Dorian, Blackwall and I were forced into separate cells with cold wet stone floors. 

There were no windows and the only light came from the cracks in the wooden door opposite mine and Solas’ cells. 

 

The four of us had been held for three days with no food or water of any sort and only a guard visiting every so often to check on us and administer the shots to prevent us from using magic. We all felt so weak, almost too weak to speak to each other. Solas was held in a cell directly to the left of me. We sat with our backs to each other separated by a stone wall and our heads leaning against the bars. It was a small comfort knowing he was close. He would check on me every few minutes to make sure I was still conscious. “Arianne.” he would cautiously say and I would weakly reply. “I’m here.” 

Dorian was in a cell in front of us to the right of the door and Blackwall was further down to the left, out of sight. We all slept as much as we could, even if we awoke frightened by every little sound. The guards hadn’t stopped by for quite some time though and I had managed to fall into a deep sleep curled up in the corner nearest Solas.

I was dreaming of Solas holding my hand, leading me to something. Where were we? It was dark, with moonlight shining through breaks in the thick fog. It was unlike anything I had ever seen. Flowers grew up from the ground glowing from their own light. Everything was dark but the flowers, as though they were the only things with color and everything else was greyscale. The trees were grey, even the grass was grey. There was a single bright light in the distance.

“Solas, where are we?”

“We are in the fade. We are dreaming.” He said somewhat sadly. Sighing, he continued, “I wanted us to be able to talk, to touch, to… be somewhere different.”

“Thank you.” 

Together staring at the light in the distance we stayed for a long time in silence. Never letting go of the other’s hand.

“Solas…?” I asked.

“Yes, Vhenan?”

“Are we dying?”

“I…” his breath caught in his throat. “I don’t know.”

We said nothing else. He pulled me gently with him to lay in the grass and look up at the sky. There was nothing there. It was not like our world, where the stars spread across the sky like burning diamonds, with a single bright moon. There was only fog, and nothing else. Wind started to blow around us, harshly whipping the air around making it hard to keep our eyes open but we couldn’t move, couldn’t move our eyes from the blank sky. 

The light behind us seemed to be getting closer. Closing in. Solas’ grip on my hand tightened. Closer, closer… I was afraid of what might happen as the light reached us, and I could feel that Solas was frightened, too. The light seemingly enveloped us and all we could see was glaring white light.

And then black.

 

I woke up in my cell confused and screaming out for Solas. I slammed my hands against the iron bars in desperation and a need to hear that he was alive. “Vhenan, emma lath! Dar dareth din’an!” I could see Dorian’s face from his cell across the room. His dark eyes stung with tears, and his face warped at the sound of my pained cry. The fade had distorted around us in the dream and I thought that we had both been forced to surrender to death by the lack of nourishment in our bodies, from the cracked dehydration.

“I’m here, ma Vhenan. Please, everything is fine.” Solas’ throat was dry and his voice was hoarse. I could hear that he was unsettled by the dream too.

I lay there on the cold floor as tears ran down my face pooling by my ear. I felt that all I could do was sob. I was so hungry.

Solas reached his arm through his bars as far as he could, trying to reach me. I was so happy just to be able to brush his fingertips with mine. He told me to rest, and I tried. After a while I got restless and started to feel nauseous with a weird feeling slowly spreading through my body. The guards had not returned in some time to give us more of the injections that kept us from using magic and it was beginning to return to us. “Do you feel that?” I asked weakly, feeling the tingle of it grow stronger. 

“No, feel what?” Solas responded.

Dorian responded to finally having his magic returned by flooding water into levitated streams around us and everyone quickly drank. Solas said he didn’t feel any different and Blackwall joked about how much more he would like mages if Dorian could somehow conjure him a stuffed pheasant.

Finally drinking some water had us overjoyed. We were distracted by it and didn’t until minutes later hear that there was fighting outside the door. Dorian was the only one with all of his powers back and he was desperately trying to get the cell doors open with fire runes. I could feel mine coming back. Slowly, slowly. A bit at a time feeling more powerful. Like coming down from a long night of drinking, finally sobering up. The fighting outside grew closer. I was trying to use the mark on my hand. I got a small spark, then a sputter of power. Then nothing.

I tried one last time and a rift violently ripped open over our heads. I pulled it shut with all my might and focused on enclosing the iron bars in it. The iron on Blackwall’s cell let out a horrible scraping shriek as they were bent forward and broken by the rift.  
“Well, you made that look easy.” said Dorian after trying at least 30 fire spells on the cells. I had only managed to open Blackwall’s cell and it would be some time before I would have strength enough to open another rift. 

“Blackwall, are you alright to try to find the key that they used?” I was worried to have him open the door alone. “Be careful, please.” The fighting had grown even louder, closer to the door and then it grew quiet. Blackwall peeked his head around the door slowly then disappeared through it. I heard Krem’s voice greet him and the apprehension that had forced me to hold in my breath was lifted. I was so happy to see their familiar faces. Bull and Blackwall found a key off of one of the bodies and helped the rest of us out of the cells.

Solas pulled me into his arms the moment that he was able to. I wanted to sob with joy but knew it was important, even in a moment like this, to still show I was the fearless leader, the Inquisitor.

We broke apart as Krem offered us more water, and it pained me to see Solas drink it so desperately. I was amazed that we hadn’t died. I was starting to feel lightheaded and leaned up against the wall so as not to fall over. Bull picked me up and carried me while the others followed him, stepping over the bodies as we went. Harkon warriors lay scattered over the ground but nowhere in sight was the chief who had ordered our capture. He and his team of renegade mages probably drifted from camp to camp, terrorizing everyone in between. 

Bull yelled at the Chargers to stay and keep the old Harkon outpost guarded until we could send more Inquisition reinforcements. “Krem’s in charge. I’ll have agents here by nightfall.” Bull yelled out to them. He rearranged the supplies so that he could load us all up on the back of a wagon. None of us had the strength to ride horseback.

I could barely hold consciousness but worried about what had happened in my absence. “Has there been any word on Corypheus? Have we had any other resistance? Please send word immediately to our scouts to help guard the outpost here, otherwise they will have others move right back in… Has any word come from Abelas?”

“Geez relax, everything is taken care of. You need to rest, Boss.” He had one of his agents give us all healing potions to reverse any damage done by the near starvation. Blackwall had a large gash in his head from me ripping open the iron doors. He was gushing hot blood over the side of his face, covering it and his beard but he had hardly noticed. I helped him clean the wound with water and it healed quickly with the combination of potions and spells.

Bull guided my shoulders and forced me to sit down in the back of the wagon. He helped me climb to sit near Solas and then gave Dorian and Blackwall a hand up as well. “You should thank Abelas when you get back, Boss. If it weren’t for him you would probably be dead. No one else knew where you lot had gotten off to. Scouts searched everywhere for days, but no one had any idea you would be this far north. Abelas said he saw you in some vision, told us right where to find you. Is that some weird elf thing?” Iron Bull asked.

“No… it’s not.” My voice trailed off, not paying much attention to Bull as he continued talking. My thoughts were with Abelas. Solas’ words about him marking me rang through my head, he told me that Abelas and I were connected somehow now and that we could communicate. He knew somehow that I was in danger. I looked over at Solas and could see that he was uncomfortable with the new knowledge that the mark Abelas had put on me actually had worked.

Bull mounted his horse and rode beside the rest of us who sat in the back of the wagon. “Anyhow…” Bull continued, “Abelas had us move out right away, he wanted to come with but he hasn’t been feeling too hot. The surgeon or whoever was looking into it told him he had to stay. Wasn’t very happy about that. The whole castle heard him yell at Cullen after he put his foot down.”

“What do you mean he’s not okay, what’s wrong with him?” After the words came out of my mouth I realized how desperate and fearful they sounded.

Bull explained that they had no idea what was happening to him but that he seemed to be growing more and more weak. I knew that it was what he had spoken about before, it was Mythal’s spell weakening. Solas could tell I was worried and he reached out his hand, offering it to me. As I took it, he pulled me to him and laid my head on his lap encouraging me to rest. I slept that way until we made a stop at our westernmost camp, where we would eat and then move on.

We all tried to eat as much as we could, but with our stomachs being empty for so long, the new food made us nauseous. Barely staying awake, we all loaded up again and continued on to the canopy camp, we would rest there for a while. 

Back at the main camp, we all basically fell into our cots out of exhaustion. The sleep in the wagon on the way was not nearly restful enough to make us feel any better. We got a full night’s sleep and by morning we could actually stomach a decent meal. I wanted to return to Skyhold to check on Abelas but I knew that I needed to finish what we had started in the Frostbacks, and I now had a personal vendetta to fulfill. Dorian and the others seemed sad and quiet about what had happen, but I was angry. Angry about what they had done and angry that I wasn’t able to stop them. We had almost died in those cells. 

I slept a lot when I wasn’t giving command or corresponding with Skyhold. Solas would bring food to my tent and tried to get me to take a walk with him everyday. I usually said no. I was so angry at myself. I had almost killed us all because I had been too weak. I wanted to try to talk to the wretched Avaar leader, to convince him to come to a mutually beneficial agreement. But I was no ambassador, I was the Inquisitor and we were at war. War meant people died, and I had to harden my heart to that sad reality. I could have wiped them all out with a single spell, I had felt the power vibrating in the tips of my fingers begging to be set free. I was too frightened by my own power to do what had to be done.

Solas did what he could to keep my mind busy. He would come to my tent and speak to me about memories from the fade and any other random thing that came to mind, trying to distract me and make me feel better. He told me that I just needed some time to get passed my anger, but I didn’t want to heal this. 

I wanted revenge.

He would take me on walks through the trees. Sometimes we would say nothing, simply enjoying each other’s silence. Other times we had raw discussions of things we had repressed in our thoughts; pains from our past and things that bothered us still, but never veering toward the topic of our relationship.

I had never told him before that I grew up without parents and he seemed almost hurt that I hadn’t mentioned it. I reassured him that it was no indication of how close we were, seeing that I did everything I could to never speak of it. I pointed out that he also had never spoken of his parents and he dropped the conversation immediately, probably also hiding less than pleasant memories. I didn’t press him to give me more of his story. I knew what it was like to wish your past could somehow be erased or replaced by never thinking of it again. It was nice to speak to him so unveiled without our own emotions for each other getting in the way.

He was such an incredible person. Solas saw a different side to everything, unshrouded from bias and untouched by selfish motivation unlike every other person in Thedas. He seemed to be able to understand everything and I was so drawn to that. I could listen to him speak for hours on end.

After about a week I was feeling more myself. Dorian and Blackwall seemed to be of a more cheerful and talkative mood, too. I had gotten letters from Abelas but was worried to read them. I didn’t want to discuss whatever was happening between us or what had happened the night of the Emperor’s dinner. Bull had sent word to Abelas and informed him that I had been rescued and was in good health. He had replied to Bull that he was feeling much better knowing that I was safe, that his headaches were now gone, and that was good enough for me. I had a score to settle.

I had received word of the Jaws of Hakon, one of Leliana’s agents reporting that their leader and the others who had captured us were found moving to a smaller camp after they had left us at the main settlement. They likely didn’t even know that we had taken over the settlement ourselves. It seemed as though they had been scouting around our lower camps, possibly trying to regain the area. I sat down with some agents to discuss a plan. 

I looked down at the map on the table, a red pin marked where the enemy camp was. It was the last thing standing in my way. “The area they are camped in is an isolated forest. Why not just start a fire when they’re sleeping?” I said.

“Well then we endanger the camps and area around it, the fire could continue to spread.” A young Ferelden agent replied. It was always obvious who had grown up around magic and who hadn’t.

“Yes, exactly. Which is why we have teams of mages surround the area at marked spots, leaving a trail of ice and water runes to encircle the fire.”

“Inquisitor.” said the agent respectfully, then he bowed and walked away from me to inform the others of my plan.

 

# CHAPTER XIII

We moved out before nightfall and arrived at the edge of the forest just as dark had covered the hills, waiting there until we saw the signals from the other groups letting us know they were ready. There was a chill in the air, but I knew that it wouldn’t last very long. The Hakon had decided to camp in the grove of woods for protection but it made taking them out almost too easy. I would have liked the satisfaction of burying a sword deep in his stomach, but this way none of my men would die. 

I watched as the first signal of red sparks went up. One… a few minutes later, two…. three…. four. They were all in place with the barriers set.

I looked at Solas as if somehow I would find in him the strength I needed to prepare myself. He gave me a calm nod, then I turned towards the forest. I thought about those who blindly followed that horrible chief. How could they ravage innocent villages, and let loose a darkspawn knowing that they couldn’t control it? I set my staff down on the ground and ignored Solas’ confused look. I thought about the spell I wanted to cast, it was one Abelas had shown me in the courtyard. It had just been practice then, I had thrown running flames at the ground, having them stop a couple feet in front of us. It had been a struggle to keep my power back so not to burn down the whole of Skyhold, but now I wanted to let all of it loose. I wanted to ravage the entire forest so that the men camped inside had no chance of escaping. It wouldn’t do to simply start a fire. It would light the dry cracked pine quickly, but that wasn’t enough for me. I had to focus on the bad, I had to be angry. 

And I was.

I sent a wall of flames starting at the forest floor, took a deep breath and with all of my might sent the flames flying forward through the forest. It knocked down trees in its path and ripped through the valley of trees. In a matter of seconds the entire forest was almost flat, with little pops and snaps of the ice barriers going off around the edges. We all couldn’t take our eyes away from the desolate ashen scene and stood there in silence staring until the flames died down. What we saw before us was nearly apocalyptic. I turned my head and met Solas’ gaze, he was looking at me in complete amazement.

“Arianne, how did you do that?” hearing shock in his voice for the first time ever. He looked concerned, worried about me wielding that much capacity.

“I honestly have no idea.” I said just as surprised as he was.

 

The Frostbacks had at this point been taken back completely. I had already started moving our men back to Skyhold and was discussing the furtherment of our alliance with the Sun clan. As long as they had the means, the clan themselves could keep the Jaws of Hakon from returning from the ashes. There were surely still some men from the cult out there and that meant it could grow again into a threat. I agreed to outfit them with arms and assistance if it ever came to that again. If anything, this had helped give the Avaar a better impression of us ‘lowlanders’, as much as that term annoyed me, and would keep relations more civil in the future.

Packing up the canopy camp, I realized that I would somewhat miss staying up here in the trees. There was something so peaceful about the way the cool breeze rustled the leaves, and the height gave you the feeling that the you had left the rest of the world behind at the bottom. Time stood still up there. I thought that maybe when this was all over I would have one built for me somewhere in the Emerald Graves, or in Dirthavaren. I should have been honest with myself and acknowledged that I would probably never leave Skyhold, even after the Inquisition was dissolved.

A growing stack of letters lay on the packed trunk beside my cot, some from Cullen and some from Abelas, and a few random others. I hadn’t opened any of them because I just didn’t want to really think about what had happened. Bull had on the first day back brought me a letter from Cullen, and without opening it I told Bull to write back to him and tell him not to come, knowing that he probably would show up just to see if I was okay. 

I was sitting on my cot thoughtfully staring at the topmost letter, one with Abelas’ name on it, dated a couple days ago. I still wasn’t sure whether I was upset or flattered by the spell he bounded me with. He had saved our lives because of it but it was strange that he did not discuss it with me, something that was basically an unspoken commitment. I started to get a nauseous, strange feeling in my stomach. For just a moment I felt weak and imagined myself lying in my bed at Skyhold with Flissa over me, fussing about as she usually was. It felt so real and passed as quickly as it had come. I was startled by Solas walking into the room and I tried to blink my eyes to rid the vision from my head.

“I came to see if you needed help packing, but I see those letters you’re staring at are all that is left.” He said jokingly but also probably curious about my thoughtful gaze stuck on Abelas’ name. “You are unsure of how to feel about Abelas’ spell, yes?” He asked, knowing what was wrong before I even had to explain. It had always been like that between us.

I nodded in response.

“Are you certain it worked for both sides? Have you seen or felt anything?” I explained to him that I didn’t think I had but that it also wasn’t likely that Abelas’ life was going to be in danger at Skyhold, and it seemed to be a way to communicate when there was danger. He could tell that I still wasn’t sold on Abelas having some sort of magical tab on my actions. I was curious as to how much he could actually see and it made me uncomfortable. Could he see me speaking to Solas right now? I didn’t know what to believe, but I knew that Abelas had cast the spell because he cared about me.

“Have you thought of trying to break the spell?” Solas asked hopefully.

“What do you mean? How?” I felt a tinge of guilt at the thought. Surely it would hurt Abelas if he knew I purposely tried to break it. I was confused by his motives but I also didn’t wish to betray him like that.

“Well, the spell is meant for two lovers. Surely it wouldn’t work the same if some sort of declaration be made that the two of you weren’t…” he trailed off.

“What is it?”

“It’s nothing, I was just under the impression that the spell had to be.... consummated. Physically.” The last two words he said shyly as though he really wanted to do anything other than ask whether Abelas and I had ever had sex. 

I thought about the words I had asked him to translate in Abelas’ letter. I long for you to warm my bed. Abelas had thought of the two of us in bed, and for some reason that perplexed me. It wasn’t like I hadn’t thought about the same exact thing, multiple times. Solas had seen the not-so-innocent hug at the Emperor’s party. He had seen Abelas’ tight grip on my hips holding me against his body. It was easy to see how he could make the conclusion that the two of us had been intimate.

“Oh…” I said considering Solas’ words, and then in reply to his concerned look, “Well we didn’t! I was just wondering why it still worked if we, you know… didn’t.” 

Solas looked incredibly relieved but changed the subject quickly. “Would you want to go for one last walk before we leave? There’s something I wanted to discuss with you.”

 

We strolled over the bridge that connected the canopy camp to the hills on the other side. The path descended down from the bridge and we took a left heading up to the peak of the hill. The path twisted around and brought us to the top clearing. 

It was still early in the morning and a lavender light from the early sunrise hung over the hills amidst the fog. Birds chirped softly and the flowers had just started to open. Dew from the grass caressed my bare feet and a warm breeze pulled at the hem of my dress. It was my favorite, one that an older women in my clan had made for me, said she had made it in the image of the halla. It was a soft white with flowing sleeves, a fitted bodice of lace that tied together at the lowest point of my back, leaving most of it bare, and there were two slits running up the sides of both my legs. I felt most myself while wearing it.

We stopped at the enormous tree at the center of the hill. It was quiet here, removed from the camp and out of sight. Curious as to why he had brought me here I asked, “So what was it you wanted to discuss, Solas?”

He paused thinking about his words before saying them, “It’s become clear to me after witnessing the power you used in the forest that you are no longer just a mage. That power is unlike anything I’ve ever seen and it has nothing to do with the mark on your hand. The orb did not do this. It was either already there, hidden away and only now unlocked or it was a gift from Mythal. The latter seems unlikely because she probably has less power than you do at the moment since she is not in her proper form. Wherever the source of this power, it has shown me more than ever that you are truly a match for Corypheus.”

“Did you have doubts before, then?” I said coyly.

Solas laughed, “No, I am simply impressed by you. Always impressed.”

“It is definitely not easy to impress you.” I told him, thinking of how often I had tried.

“No, it is not! But you infallibly seem to find a way.” He let out a sad sigh and he turned to walk closer to the tree. 

Pulling a branch down he plucked a blossom from it and held it in his hands, staring at it intensely. I walked towards him and took the flower from his hands, trying to tell him that I knew he was avoiding what he really came here to discuss. Our eyes met, and for a second we stood there just looking at each other. An ache in my stomach rose as I yearned to reach for him and pull him closer. I saw his eyes burn hot with the same desire. 

Without warning Solas put a hand around my waist and pulled me to meet his body, the other hand cupped my head softly. “Emma lath…” 

He began to kiss me sweetly and gently, our lips breaking apart and crashing together again like delicate waves. Feeling his body against me, my thoughts raced. I needed more. I pulled at his tunic as I backed up slowly, stopping as we met the tree. Solas kissed me harder, roughly, quickly. He picked me up putting my back against the tree, and held my legs up around his hips. I grabbed his shoulders tightly to hold on, kissing his neck as he softly pulled up the material of my dress.

He paused, shaking his head knowing that he couldn’t stop this, and I knew he didn’t want to. I didn’t want him to. I would sooner die than to go another second without having him. He kissed me once more and then moved in closer. Whispering in my ear, “Nadas, ir lath ma.” 

Inevitably, I love you.

I let out a loud sigh of pleasure as we began to make love. I couldn’t keep my fingernails from lightly scraping his muscular back underneath his tunic as he slowly inched deeper and deeper, until we fit perfectly together. I had never felt so connected to anyone in my life. Never had I had such a desperate passion, impetuous desire mixed with inescapable and true love. An unforgiving love. I knew in that moment for as long as I lived, I would never stop loving him. I would never be able to love another the way I loved him.

He let my legs fall and set me on the ground, laying soft kisses on my neck as though they were sacred gifts. His arms were wrapped around my waist untying the back of my dress. Solas slipped the sleeves off of my shoulders and the dress fell to bare my chest. 

He stepped back, admiring me and smiling sweetly. The dress fell to my ankles as I stepped forward out of it. He pulled me gently to the grass on top of him, then undid the pin from my hair letting it fall in curls around my face. He looked like a long lost prince; with his tunic revealing his defined chest, sitting there casually leaning back on one elbow with his blue eyes full of charm and mystery. I couldn’t help but think that in everything he touched he brought more beauty into the world. There was such a divine grace to his manner. I moved closer, putting my legs on either side of him. 

Our bodies came together again rocking each other softly back and forth, a beautiful disheveled scene. He kept his mouth close to mine to steal hot kisses between the peaks of our movements. Each kiss was wet, and erotic. If I held back from his kiss, he would force my lips back open with a bite and consume me until I broke. His tongue brushing against mine I felt his desire to claim me, to mark me as his. I yearned to ruin him for any other woman. I wanted him to remember my touch in everything he did, everywhere he went I wanted his mind to wander to my mouth, my body, my moan. He could never forget what it felt like to fit perfectly inside the woman that was his, and I truly was only his. If I was anything, I was his.

He clutched me tighter, thrusted harder, letting out a rough sigh as we hit a crescendo and then calmed, never letting go. Breathing heavily we held each other for a long time, and Solas laid gentle kisses down the side of my neck, whispering to me delicate words in elven.

Then a voice bellowed in the distance.

Thinking I had only imagined the sound, I whispered still out of breath to Solas. “Did you hear that?”

“No…” Solas said uninterested. I heard it echo again, it sounded so familiar.

“Is that Cullen?” 

Solas pulled me in tighter so I wouldn’t get up. “No, no, no. I only just got you all to myself.” he said teasingly while lowering himself to lay kisses on my breasts.

I heard it yet again and I bolted up at the tone of strain in Cullen’s voice, “Arianne, Arianne!” Something was wrong, Cullen was supposed to be at Skyhold. I quickly pulled my dress on and attempted to tie the back as I briskly walked down the path. Solas pulled up his trousers and jogged to catch up with me, then pushed my hands away to tie my dress himself. I then took off at a run back to the camp and towards Cullen’s voice. He was at the very edge of the bridge, and I knew when I saw his face that something had happened.

“Thank the Maker you’re alright, we’ve been looking for you for half an hour! Are you… what have you been doing you’re a mess!” He said stepping forward to straighten my hair and place it behind my ears. His gaze then fell upon Solas who was walking up behind us from the same direction I came from myself. 

Cullen’s eyes flicked between the both of us and then he shook his head as if trying to clear his thoughts. “It’s Abelas… Flissa found him yesterday, he had been staying in your quarters since you left, assumably sleeping in the loft.” Solas stepped forward beside me with his brow furrowed, and I urged Cullen on, wanting to hear the news and to distract from the fact that Cullen knew so much about my private quarters. “Well she found him strewn sideways across your bed. He seemed to be asleep, but he won’t wake up. He’s alive as far as we can tell, has a pulse and is breathing fine, but… it’s like a sort of trance. I left Skyhold as soon as I knew. I wanted to tell you in person, I… I know he is a friend to you.” Cullen all but glared at Solas after he finished speaking.

I was in shock from what he said and I could barely wrap my head around it. I yelled to a scout to bring me my horse and a new horse for Cullen as well. I was scared for Abelas and couldn’t think of anything else. I could feel sweat start to bead on my forehead and I was so nervous that I could feel my hands start to quiver. I called over one of Leliana’s agents. “You are to send word to Antiva, there is a Tevinter scholar staying there who may know something about this. Pay him whatever amount of gold necessary to get him to Skyhold. Send word ahead to Leliana to have Dagna, Vivienne, whoever she think might be helpful look into the issue. And have someone watching him at all times! Go, now!”

 

They brought me our fastest horse and I pulled the reins over the horse’s head readying myself to mount, but I found I could not. I took a deep breath trying to steady myself and then stuck my head over my shoulder to look at Solas. He nervously scanned me trying to make sense of why I was so upset, but he had known the truth the second Bull had told us that Abelas had seen me in a vision. Abelas’ spell had worked and we both knew why. 

I walked carefully up to him and stopped with my lips inches from his. He tilted his head down to avoid looking me in the eyes, I recognized guilt on his features. It was a look he wore often, haunted by whatever burdens he kept hidden from me. The realization that he was the cause of this pained him. I would not have gotten so close to Abelas had he stayed by my side. It was hard for both of us to look directly in the face of the confusing, and inevitably painful, future laid out in front of us.

Cullen had already mounted and was just to my right. I was aware that we were surrounded by people, but I didn’t care. I turned Solas’ chin so that he would meet my eyes. I held a single kiss to his lips, and lingered on it, savoring it before breaking away. I whispered to him the only thing he really needed to know. I love you. 

His eyes pleaded with me but he said nothing.

“I have to help him.” I told him and then walked away, ignoring the feeling that my heart was trying to rip itself out to stay with him.

I mounted my horse quickly and turned her head, trying to avoid making eye contact with Cullen. I kicked her off to a gallop and Cullen followed close beside me trying to keep up in the tall grass as we descended down into the plains of the valley.

 

We rode for four hours without saying much to each other, and had decided to let our horses rest and drink at a stream in the mountains. They were already exhausted from running at top speeds for so long. We had made decent progress and agreed that we would ride easy for another couple hours, then set up camp. 

Making it to the base of a steep pass marked the halfway for our trip. I found a decent tree-covered clearing to make camp and Cullen began to build the tent. I bathed our horses in water to cool them down and removed the sweat that had frothed on their bellies. I then tied them to a tree loose enough for them to eat at the grass below. I found Cullen trying to set up a fire pit. He had the logs set up and was attempting to get sparks from a flint he had in his saddlebag, and was doing well but it still would have taken him another fifteen minutes to get a good enough spark when he knew he could have simply asked me. 

Templars.

I walked up behind him and told him, “Sit back.” He turned his head to look at me out of curiosity and before he managed to ask why, I threw flames into the pit and it instantly ignited.  
“Must you always show off?” he asked sarcastically.

“Maybe…” I smiled and dug some bread from my saddlebag. I broke it in half and gave some to him. I was glad that our scout had been so thorough. He had packed a small tent with Cullen, a blanket with me, and food and water for both of us.

My eyes traced Cullen’s face, his sad eyes, kind smile and the scar that ran down the side of his lip. He looked up from the fire and met my stare.

“You know I’m going to ask about it…” he said regarding what had happened earlier with Solas.

I didn’t know what to tell him, for the same reasons I couldn’t come to understand it myself. Cullen had made it clear that night in my chambers that there had never been a chance between the two of us, regardless of what I meant to him. I saw that clearly now. He brought it up because he cared about me and was afraid that I was being reckless. He didn’t want me with Solas because he had seen him hurt me, and because he generally just thought Solas was an all-around blackguard.

“I love him, Cullen.” I said almost as an apology. I knew all the things that he could say to try to make it sound like I was making a mistake. Regardless of whether or not it was a mistake, Cullen certainly would never like the idea of me being with anyone else just as I would never like the idea of him being with someone else. He was and will always be my first.

He took a deep breath and then looked me in the eye, and said, “I can’t decide what will make you happy, only you can do that. But I’ll tell you one thing, a real man would never walk away from you when you need him most. Remember that.”

I said nothing more, not wanting to argue. I nodded to Cullen and then crawled into the tent. He followed a few moments later. For the rest of the evening we laid with our backs to each other, just close enough so the blanket would still cover us both, but not too close. Neither of us found sleep easily, we thought restlessly about the other being so close. It was the first time I had been alone with Cullen since that night, the first time I couldn’t purposely avoid him. I had come to see that night was a mistake brought on by my desperation and sadness about my friend’s death, and a want to recreate the heat of the first night in Haven. I did care for Cullen, but I loved Solas. I loved him to the point that a single thought of him wracked my bones with a horrible aching pain, and despair that my soul was not with the one in which it loved.

As soon as daylight broke I was up and packing everything onto our horses. Cullen was still asleep in the tent and that was the only thing left to load up. I let him sleep while I found some food. I wasn’t sure how humans had ever managed to hunt without magical barrier traps or flames to cook with at the snap of your fingers. I tapped at Cullen’s leg to wake him but he didn’t budge. I set down the food, trying not to spill it and crawled into the tent.

“Cullen, we have to go.” I was starting to worry, why wouldn’t he wake? I reached out to shake his shoulders and it startled him to consciousness. He didn’t understand what was happening and reached out putting both hands around my neck. I knew it was just a reaction to being frightened, he had been tortured and almost killed before in Starkhaven. It was a violent living memory of what had happened to him and I had seen him react this way to being woken before, but his grip was tight on my neck and he didn’t let go until he heard me choke. I fell to the ground weakly and pushed myself backwards out of the tent, gasping for air. Cullen’s expression was that of horror.

“Arianne… I’m so sorry!”

I shook my head, stood up and brushed the dirt off of my legs. “It’s fine let’s just go.” I walked toward my horse, with Cullen running after me.

“Please, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know what I was doing!”

I ignored him until he pulled me to face him, “Arianne, listen to me. I would never hurt you. You know that right?”

I wanted to tell him that he already had, but I knew that it wouldn’t be fair of me. What had happened the night in my rooms was not his fault, just as his death grip on my neck was not his fault. This was an instinct, a survival attempt ingrained into his mind from those horrible memories of Kirkwall. No, Cullen would never purposely hurt me, he simply had been wise enough to see that the two of us would be unhappy together and while that had saddened me for some time I also knew that it was true. 

I nodded to answer his question and told him to continue packing. The second he was finished I mounted and kicked off my horse at a run. 

 

The next couple hours of riding seemed so much longer the closer we got, not knowing if Abelas was dead or alive. It was complete torture. When arriving at the gates I didn’t even bother handing my horse to one of the grooms. I dismounted, throwing my reins over the horse’s head and sprinted up the grand stairs. I didn’t stop until I reached him. Out of breath I sunk down to my knees beside his seemingly lifeless body. I ran my eyes hungrily over him hoping to find a clue as to what had gone wrong. His skin was too pale, his strong jaw and handsome face were sunken-in. Had they been able to give him any sort of nourishment? 

Shallow breathing, no response to my touch. 

I reached out to pick up his hand and I held it in mine, tightly as though clinging to what was left. I was surprised when tears began to sting my eyes. Guilt started to paralyze me. Why hadn’t I read his letters, why did I avoid him? I knew I would never forgive myself if he died without having spoken to him one last time. I couldn’t lose someone else. I just wanted to hear his deep, calming voice, even if only once more.

I heard footsteps quietly approaching behind me and I wiped the tears from my face ashamedly. I turned to find Flissa. “Inquisitor! I did not expect you back so quickly. I… I was the one who found him…”

Seeing her face I was reminded of the strange vision I had of her standing over me as I had laid in my bed. Or was it me? Had I actually seen Flissa discover Abelas? Was it possible that the mark had worked and it had shown me that Abelas was in danger? I had shaken it from my head too quickly, paying it no mind, was it a vision brought on by the spell? Flissa had asked if I needed anything and then left to tend to groundskeeping elsewhere. I buried my head in Abelas’ chest the second she was gone, too moved with fear to stand up. 

I went downstairs the next morning to get a report in the war room. No one had found anything useful to help Abelas, and the Tevinter scholar had yet to arrive. Solas and the rest of the camp were to be back to Skyhold in one days’ time. After receiving the full report from Leliana I had no desire to speak to anyone else. I went back up to my quarters and crawled into my bed beside Abelas, my nearness to him did seem to help. His color would return a little, and his body temperature had gone from much too cold to a decent level. So I had resigned myself to stay by his side until he awoke. 

I laid next to Abelas for the next couple days, doing much of nothing else. Flissa would bring me food and potions for him to drink. She would help me hold him up as we poured the potion down his throat twice a day. Other than slight fluctuations in vitals, Abelas’ condition hadn’t changed. I waited still by his side, and I slept.

I had heard that Solas had returned but he had not been to see me. Cullen came to check on me regularly and attempted to have me get out, but I refused to let Abelas out of my sight. 

 

# CHAPTER XIV

### Solas

I was aware that it would be best to give Arianne space. Not sure of my feelings about her caring for Abelas’ health, I was nonetheless certain of her attachment to me. I was afraid to push things too far, only to have them fall back into the tangled mess of emotion that there had been before. There seemed to be a cycle to it all; we are first friends, and then passion seems to find a way to unglue everything and from there it snowballed downhill. Then we would miserably fail at attempting to be friends again. I couldn’t explain it, but we always found our way back to each other and for this reason I was not worried. Arianne and I would always belong to each other even if we were kept apart, I knew that now.

I had been foolish to tell her that I thought Cullen deserved her, but if she was to be with anyone else, she would be safe in his arms. He would protect her and would go to any length to make her smile, as he demonstrated again and again. I thought she would be happy with him, as his love was different from ours. Our love was consuming, rare, and gripped one by the very soul, but it was doomed from the beginning. She had no way of knowing that. 

Cullen was safe, and they could grow old together in the shell of a simple life, but the thought of her with Abelas… Not only had I at one point considered him a close friend, I also realized how similar to two of us were. The same things that intrigued Arianne about my personality, he also possessed. Looking at Abelas was like looking back in time, and gazing upon my younger self; a young impetuous elf, unafraid by the world, and possessing more power than he realized. Now I was much older, wiser and had learned many hard lessons about life. It was slightly funny to me that Arianne referred to him as Hahren at times, a Dalish term meant to express respect to an elder. She saw him as her elder because of his years of servitude to Mythal. It was ironic that he should be Hahren to her, when he was closer to her in age than I was. Even more ironic was that she referred to me as Vhenan, as the one close to her heart. From the stories that the Dalish told, I knew she would be more than a little frightened to learn my true name. 

Abelas’ true nature would never frighten her. He would excite her, he would do anything to get a thrill, but as his convictions unfolded themselves to her, she would only see righteous things. I could not offer her the same. As I had, he could manipulate others with charisma to get whatever he pleased. The difference was he lived with a cooler head than I had. Regardless of the impulsive way he took what pleasures he wanted, he was confident and patient in the manner that I should have been. I felt if I had been more like him, I would not have made the grave mistake that I did. If I lost her to him it would be a haunting reminder of my failures. 

No, anyone but him. 

I tried to push thoughts of her lying beside him from my head, hot jealousy burned as a ball in my stomach.

They had obviously been friends for a while, but she had kissed him. Apparently with quite a bit of fervor, too, if one is inclined to believe the whispers passed among the servants.

Abelas’ reckless nature worried me for Arianne. In the same way I had been when I was young, he got a thrill out of seducing women, only as either a means to an end as in Val Royeaux, or for entertainment. Empowerment. I was terrified to see that she had fallen into the same trap so many others had, and I didn’t trust that he would treat her any different than the others. He would take advantage of her obvious feelings for him and use her, consume her, until he was bored. 

And then her heart would be broken again, and I wouldn’t be there to put it back together. 

 

The fresco room was nearly finished, I hadn’t been able to procure anymore books that would be of any interest to me, and without Arianne to distract me I found myself rather bored to death. I practiced spells with the younger mages and tried speaking to Dorian multiple times about Tevinter or magic theory and I always couldn’t help but to leave annoyed. I didn’t like to waste time on the fervid games he played with words. I wasn’t sure how he and Arianne had become best friends. In my case it was possible that the difference in sense of humor was slight enough to allow for distaste, as he most obviously didn’t care much for me either.

We had been back at Skyhold for four days and I had yet to see her. The sun had started to disappear so I resigned from the fresco room up to my quarters overlooking the garden. Unpacking more things and folding them into my armoire, I heard an urgent knock on my door. Expecting it to be no one but Arianne at this time of night, I was taken aback to see Cullen standing in front of me. 

“Cullen, to what do I owe such a…” I began somewhat sarcastically.

He interrupted, urgently saying, “You should come with me, I… I’m not quite sure who else could better handle this.”

He answered my shocked expression by telling me to follow him. We hurried down the outside corridor of the chambers and climbed the steps up to the ramparts, I was trying to keep up with Cullen’s fast pace and was made afraid by wonder of what had upset him. As we walked he explained, “She’s been out here for a while, I couldn’t get near her and I didn’t want to tell anyone else. You may be the only one who can help.” Further along the ramparts I could hear what sounded like strong winds and rain beating against stone, but I looked up and saw that the night sky was clear. 

And then I saw her. It was beautiful but frightening simultaneously. Cullen and I took cover behind some large supply crates. On the corner of the ramparts furthest from everyone, she had enveloped herself in a spell. Sharp drops of rain and harsh wind whipped in a sphere around her body, and she was suspended as if weightless. It twisted around her as to draw more power to her. What was she trying to do? 

She was in a long white nightgown that was soaked by the water, her wet hair slicked down her back. I could barely hear her calling out over the sound of the wind, “Mythal, hear my plea! I beg of you!” She sounded so desperate.

Why was she praying to Mythal, and why had it upset her to the point of being able to create such a powerful spell? Was she trying to make herself more powerful in order to contact Mythal directly?

“Whatever your price, I’ll pay it, just let him live!” she cried out.

A loud female voice responded to her over the sound of the storm, “You would prefer the dread wolf take you, charming as he is. You are blind, da’len.”

The dread wolf. 

With that, the spell slowed it’s spinning and Arianne fell to the ground with a loud thud. She lay there weeping with her arms over her head. Cullen and I ran to her, both of us undoubtedly terrified that she was hurt. I reached out to touch her and she gasped in terror before seeing that it was me. I sunk to my knees and pulled her onto my lap and let her cry. Her hand closest to Cullen reached out to him and he held it tightly. Her tears finally started to dry, but with hiccups still in her throat she asked, “Solas, why would Mythal say that I shouldn’t trust you?”

I looked in her grey eyes and didn’t know how to respond. I was horrified that Mythal had possibly betrayed me and revealed to her my true name. I asked her what she had said exactly and she told me that Mythal had told her multiple times, ‘not a halla for a wolf’ and told her to never on her life trust a wolf. Arianne said that when her thoughts had turned to me while in the spell, Mythal had whispered to her softly, ‘Solas, prideful… don’t believe a single word.’

I was somewhat upset by this, but didn’t want her to see. I asked Cullen to take her to her chambers, and I watched as he carried her thin figure; with her delicate legs draped over his arm and her exhausted, precious head rested on his shoulder. The hole in my chest burned as I watched them disappear together.

‘Not a halla for a wolf.’ I thought on Mythal’s words and I couldn’t help but feel anger sear like a hot iron in my chest.

 

#### Arianne

I faintly remember Cullen helping me change into a dry nightgown. He gently patted at my soaked hair with cloth before laying me down in the unmade bed beside Abelas. 

“Shhh, he’s fine… just get some rest.” He had told me when I started to fuss over Abelas’ condition. Then pulling the blankets over me, Cullen blew out the candle beside my bed and walked away. I held Abelas’ hand hoping that he would be able to know I was there somehow. 

I was delirious from the spell and could hardly piece together what had happened. I had seen Solas, and remembered being in his arms. Bits of the memory came back to me as the fog cleared from my head. I knew that I had cast a spell and that the power of it almost killed me, but I had succeeded. I had succeeded in directly contacting a God, if only briefly. I needed rest and my head still felt so heavy. I made myself close my eyes and I had no trouble falling asleep.

 

Mythal spoke to me in my dreams that night. She was angrily asking me questions about my intentions with the Well of Sorrows and said that I should be wary not to abuse the power. She was also worried about my unexplained power, it was not blood magic and yet I was even still more powerful. I pleaded and attempted to explain the reason I tried to contact her. Abelas had spent a thousand years of his life protecting her temple and he now was dying. “His servitude, although appreciated, will not be rewarded with immortality. It is not a gift that should be given.” She said sternly.

“I don’t want him to have immortality, I only want him to be able to live out the rest of his life, as he would have if not for the spell. The spell you had put him under. He can help our people, we can do good together… he already has! He works tirelessly to bring back what was!”

“And what about you? What do you intend on doing with your power after Corypheus is defeated? The answers you seek to save Abelas are dangerously close to the Black City, and releasing unnatural evils on this world. Would you not seek the knowledge of my spell for yourself? I must be able to trust that the power that has already been granted, and the knowledge I intend to grant, may not be abused and taken selfishly. If you and Abelas swear to serve me in restoring the elvhen, the people, then and only then will I help you save him.”

“I promise you, I have dreamed of uniting our people and fighting a path back to the old ways for so long…” It was true, but I would have told her anything she wanted to hear in order to save him.

“This will not be an easy path to take, but it must be done. This all must end. The Black City’s walls will crumble as you stand at the gates. Prepare yourself.”

At Mythal’s last words I was violently awakened. Out of breath I sat up in my bed and looked around the room, it was late morning and I had slept too long. Abelas seemed to be doing as well as he could be. I reached out and caressed his cheek with the back of my hand and was startled when I heard shifting. 

I turned to see Solas sitting on the chair in the corner. He looked concerned and could tell that I had been disturbed by my dreams. I thought about Mythal’s words and what she had said about Abelas. I knew what had to be done.

“Solas… I have to go back into the fade.” 

 

# CHAPTER XV

The hardest part of re-entering the fade would be focusing on what area to go to. Mythal had mentioned the Black City and Abelas’ need to be reborn as himself, as he was before the spell had bound him to the temple. Solas and I assumed that it would be similar to my second journey in the fade at Adamant. In order to get my memories back we had to kill demons that bound the magic, and I had guessed it would be the same to undo the spell’s harm on Abelas. 

I prepared Abelas in every way I could for the fade. I removed the tunic he had been wearing and ran a cold wet cloth over his body, as I had see the healer do trying to bring down his temperature. I had seen him without a shirt a couple times as he seemed to be most comfortable when he was half naked, but I had always looked away to be polite. My eyes lingered a little too long on the muscular lines that covered his stomach and arms.

I tied his hair into a tight braid down his back and dressed him in armor knowing that we would face literal hell before being able to return. I had only ever seen him carry a bow and daggers, even though he was a mage. I outfitted him his favorite weapons and tied my halla necklace into the inner folds of his jacket for good luck, and hopefully Mythal’s blessing. 

In the Temple of Mythal, Solas had told Abelas that he wished he would find a new name, one that meant something other than sorrow, and I hoped that this would finally release him from his sorrowful curse. Maybe he could then find a new name. 

Cullen and Solas had carried him down to the courtyard at the base of the steps on a stretcher. They laid him down on the grass and a few of the Dalish scouts that had become friends with Abelas sat around him and prayed to Mythal for his safety. They all looked up to him as I had hoped all of the Dalish could. A few of the women praying around him had tears in their eyes, as well as some of the women gathered around us. I had to roll my eyes at the obvious effect he had on them all. I would be surprised if there was a single woman in Skyhold that hadn’t at one point been drawn in by his charm.

“I’m coming with you.” Solas said sternly as we stood waiting for them to finish their prayers. I smiled at him sweetly, I knew there were no ends he wouldn’t go to in order to protect me. That was the exact reason that it would be safer for him to stay here. I told him that he needed to stay behind and watch this side of the rift, but that he could follow if it seemed to take us too long. He started to argue but was silenced when I gave him an austere look. We both knew that the rift should stay open for us to get back easily but that meant a risk of demons. Solas couldn’t leave the others unprotected either.

Cullen came to tell me goodbye and I assured him that it wasn’t necessary, that I would return very quickly. Everyone from Skyhold had gathered to watch, and some of the soldiers that could be spared from their duties stood guard in a large circle around us to ensure any demons that came through be killed as quickly as possible. I didn’t exactly like the idea of opening a rift in the middle of Skyhold but there was little choice. 

I was readying myself and at the thought of opening the rift, my hand started to glow a bright green. It’s strange how little understanding I had of something that was such a large part of who I was. Solas put his hands on my shoulders and turned me towards him. “Are you sure you want to do this?” He said, concerned for me. Solas and I had yet to discuss where our relationship was left after our frolic under the trees, and I didn’t want to think about it until Abelas was well. I looked over at him lying on the grass with calla lilies laid around him by the Dalish. I didn’t like it, it looked like it was his funeral, as if we were about to bury him. Determined to rid the image from my head, I turned to meet Solas’ eyes. I gave him a timid smile, apologizing for what I was about to do. Solas placed a single kiss on my forehead and pulled away to try to find in my eyes if it was okay to kiss me again.

With a flick of my wrist, and without breaking eye contact with Solas, a rift opened a few feet from where Abelas was lying. Solas blinked his eyes away from my lips to look at the rift. He turned his head slightly to the side, giving me a pleading look; one last attempt to change my mind. I offered him only the comfort of a sweet touch from my hand on his cheek before turning away.

I walked over to Abelas and bent down. I brushed the flowers away from him and pulled him upright, putting his arm over my neck struggling to keep him up. Before walking into the rift I turned to face Solas and Cullen. They were standing near each other, both with worried expressions. Solas smiled at me attempting to be encouraging and I heard him say under his breath, “Vhenan.” I shuffled Abelas and I closer to the rift. It was so bright that I could hardly see. I took a deep, steadying sigh and then walked through. 

Warped sound waves and images flew around us, as we were passing through time itself. I pulled at the seams of the rift with all of my strength. I could still feel the rift open at Skyhold and one last mighty pull on the tear made it ripple. I had slammed it shut just in time. I couldn’t risk having Solas follow me into the fade. He would be furious at me but it was better that he was safe. I refused to endanger his life, especially in an attempt to save the life of another man I cared for.

### Solas

I watched Arianne walk over to Abelas, brushing gently away the prayer flowers. She looked at his face desperate for a response from him. I had been telling myself that she cared for him deeply, but as a friend, trying to bolster my confidence against the blow that was her affection for him. I came to see that I was mistaken about their friendship after the night on the ramparts. She would go to any end necessary in order to save him, even if it endangered herself and in turn every soul in Thedas she was sworn to protect. Perhaps I was wrong about the mark he put on her, and maybe it had worked because she actually felt just as strongly as he did. There was no way to know now if Abelas’ spell still had its hold on her after what had happened between her and I in the Frostbacks. I could only wait and see if they were successful in the fade. 

She pulled him up beside her, holding him up with her shoulder. Arianne turned to look at me before she left. I had planned on giving her twenty minutes, then I would follow her in. She thought that she would be fine in the fade alone but she did not know its dangers in the way that I did. I reassured myself that she would be alright until I could reach her, and I gave her a smile hoping to comfort her. I could tell by her expression that she was up to something. She turned and walked herself and Abelas through to the fade. The tear in the veil rippled as they passed through then stilled itself. We stood there silently waiting for what would happen next. I could hear Cullen next to me nervously holding in his breath.

Suddenly, the rift started to tremble and become unstable. Something was wrong. Vibrations shook the air around us as the veil was tugged at by some force. The rift then started to cave in on itself, pulling from the center.

“Fenedhis, she’s closing the rift!” I yelled out an unintelligible slur of curses in elven sprinting towards it, hoping to pass through before it shut completely. I was almost to it when it slammed shut, and the force threw my body backwards on to the ground. 

The wind was knocked from me and I tried to sit up only to see a reminiscent ripple of the tear. I stood up and paced around where the rift had been, not knowing what to do. I yelled out in frustration, “Why did you do this?!” 

Cullen walked over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder trying to calm me down. I pushed his hand angrily away knowing the second I did it that I shouldn’t have. Her betrayal was unbearable and Arianne did not know the risk she took. 

“Solas stop this, now!” Cullen said.

“Do not act as though you know what is right, as though you could understand the danger she faces… now alone! You go around as if you have loved her the same way that I have! When in truth you do not know her and you have no idea that she risks everything now!” My voice boomed through the courtyard. Cullen walked closer to me, getting in my face. I tried to keep my lips from curling into a sarcastic smirk watching Cullen approach me, that he would think it might frighten me. 

He spoke quietly to keep the others from hearing, “You know I hate you for this, right? You’re not man enough to be there for her when she needs you, to be with her and take care of her when she obviously loves you. But you’ll have your fun with her when it pleases you! And yet you have the audacity to stand there and say I don’t love her the way you do? I would…” His voice had begun to angrily rise louder. With a rough exhale he continued in a lower but still spiteful tone. “I will never leave her side even if she never spends another thought on me.”

“I do not have to justify myself to you shem, everything I’ve done has been to protect Arianne.” It took all my strength to not to blow him backwards with a spell, just to watch him fall on his ass.

“I could have had her to myself, did you know that? And I turned her away because it’s obvious she will always love you. I did that for her, not so you could fuck it up again.” Cullen spat the words at me hoping they would sting, and they did.

I understood now why Cullen had acted so cold towards me for so long. He actually did love her the way I did, she just didn’t love him. What was it about Arianne that made her so easy to fall for? And I knew the second I thought it that it was a stupid question.

It was her strong will, her desire to make every person feel special, her sense of humor, her convictions, even the smaller things like the way she bit her lip before she laughed. She was timeless, unlike anyone I’d met in my entire time alive.

But she deserved a love that never ended, and someone who could always be there for her. Someone who didn’t have the weight of so many mistakes to carry, mistakes to fix. She deserved someone to grow old with and fall asleep next to every night, but she also deserved a deeper love than Cullen could give her. She deserved our love, but our time was limited to Corypheus’ will.

He stood there waiting for me to say more, but I just shook my head slightly and walked passed him, unable to fight for something I had already lost.

Arianne deserved the truth, but that was something that I couldn’t give. Not Yet.

 

### Arianne

Abelas and I landed in the fade softly, like waking up from a dream, and into a strange dark land where nothing made sense. It was slightly different from the fade I entered at Adamant. There were huge spiraling trees like the ones in the Arbor wilds, but they were dark and ominous. It was how I would imagine the rain forest at night, but there were strange deformed, lighted bugs that emitted a soft glow. I stood dizzy as the blood rushed to my head. I gazed at my surroundings unsure of where to begin when I felt Abelas stir on the ground next to me.

“Arianne?” He said with a dry cracked voice that hadn’t spoken in weeks. Even being made weak by the time spent in bed, not moving, he appeared so strong-willed, tenacious even. There had never been a moment where he wasn’t.

“Mythal-enaste, Abelas!” Seeing him awake after staring at his unchanging face for weeks was a feeling I could only describe as bliss. I fell to my knees and he grabbed at the fabric of my cloak, pulling me into a desperate embrace as quickly as he could. We sat there for some time holding each other, our eyes were closed and ignorant to our surroundings.

Abelas laid a soft kiss on my cheek near my ear, and as he pulled away I couldn’t help but reach up and touch the spot where his lips had been. He sat back to take in the area. “Where are we?” he asked casually, so fearlessly even though our surroundings were more than a little unnerving.

“Well… we’re in the fade.” I explained to him that I had spoken to Mythal in my spell and that she came to me dreams later. I told him what she said of the fade and that we had to unbind him from what made him a sentinel, or more plainly that we had to kill the the demons that bound the spell to him. It was dangerous but there wasn’t any other way to save him. He knew the strength it took to bind myself in the spell to gain Mythal’s attention. What he didn’t know was that I had found a way to feed the magic back to myself and was actually made stronger by the spell overall and not weaker, but I had no way of explaining to him how I was able to do this so I said nothing.

“You called on Mythal? You could have killed yourself!” He gripped my shoulders and shook me slightly. “You will never do that again, do you hear me?”

His demand plucked at my unstable temper and I stood wanting to be released from his clutch. “So I what? I should have just let you die? I laid by your unmoving body for weeks, Abelas!” My voice began to crack so I walked a few steps away and took a deep breath. Facing away from him I continued, “Are you really so unfamiliar with my heart as to believe that I could let you go without a fight?”

I heard Abelas stand and walk up quietly behind me but I refused to turn to him, not wanting him to see the emotion his sickness had stirred in me. He reached over my shoulder, gently brushing my hair to the side exposing my neck to the cool crisp air.  
From behind me he slid his chin over my shoulder and nestled into my neck, his hot breath raised the hairs on my skin. My body trembled under his exhale as he brushed his lips delicately over my ear.

“I know your heart.” He whispered.

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to savor the warmth of his body close behind me, but only for a second. I pulled away afraid that my heart might betray me if I stayed in his arms for too long. I moved his attention away from me and showed him the lyrium potions I had supplied him with. I bickered with him as he refused to take a healing potion. He argued that he felt fine but finally gave in to my unrelenting expression. I had to be so austere with him so as not to be overcome by his will. I was reminded of Cullen’s words, that I would be bored should I not find someone as strong-willed as I was. Abelas definitely anything but boring. He drank the potion reluctantly without taking his intense eyes from mine, then we set off down the small path in front of us.

There were hardly any noises among the trees which was nothing like the Arbor Wilds where birds filled the branches with songs and squawks and cries. We walked for a while with no end to the forest in sight. I tried to keep the eerie silence from flustering me and I stayed close to Abelas’ side. 

From behind me I heard something run across the trail, quickly and almost silently. Abelas and I stopped dead in our tracks with our breath held and our heart rate rising. He raised a single finger and held it to his lips as a warning to me to not move.  
Again, it sped across in front of us, zipping between the trees. It was so fast that it was only a blur. 

With my eyes wide unable to mask my fear I whispered as quietly as I could, “Abelas… run.”

We both bounded down the trail hoping to lose whatever was stalking us in the trees. Running, and running up steep inclines where the ground was loose and down sharp rocky descents. We were both of us were out of breath. The trail seemed never ending and the edge of the forest never coming. I saw a glimmer of something metal out of the corner of my eye and then heard a snap. A twig broke under my foot, setting off a net trap that had only just barely caught my ankle, flinging me up into the air. I was dangling with one foot stuck in the netting and Abelas was below me nervously looking for a way to get me down. He was wary of the shadow and peered over his shoulder trying to find where it had gone. 

I tried shooting sparks of fire at the netting but kept missing. Abelas yelled up to me saying that he would look for the mechanism that set it off, knowing he could reverse it and let the net fall. I was mostly worried about collapsing head-first to the hard ground from 30-40 feet above. A few minutes passed and the blood was rushing to my head making it hard to think. I tried pulling myself up to reach my foot and pull it off myself but the angle was too severe and I didn’t have the strength. I looked down trying to find where Abelas had gone, I hadn’t heard him for a couple minutes.

“Abelas…. Abelas!” I yelled starting to get worried. 

No response.

Shit.

Then the rope holding the net was loosened, letting me fall much too quickly to the ground. I braced myself for impact and was surprised when the rope snapped to a stop, leaving me spinning with my face a foot from the ground.

“Well, that was closer than I would have liked.” Abelas said rushing over to me. He cut my foot free and held me so I wouldn’t crash to the dirt. With only a moment to celebrate, we then heard the sound of footsteps running from all different directions. It sounded like people were bounding towards us, yelling out a shrill war cry.

Abelas was taken aback by the sound, “That’s the sentinel’s battle cry.” He looked confused.

I saw one flash by me and then another, this time making eye contact with one. “Abelas they’re you!” For a second I was confused by the fade’s trickery but then remembered Mythal’s words. He had to kill the part of him that was still a sentinel, the part of him that was bound in the spell. The demons that stalked us from the trees took the form of Abelas because they were what held him in the curse. They were also most likely what had been pulling him bit by bit into the fade as the spell grew weaker, the reason he had lied lifeless for so long. “We can’t run, we have to kill them, every one of them!” I said knowing that was the only way to break the spell. 

We stood our ground with our backs to each other, waiting for them to attack. I had never fought with Abelas other than briefly against the dragon, and because he had then used a staff rather than daggers I didn’t know what to expect. Just before two somersaulted towards us I threw up a barrier spell and they were thrown backwards. Abelas had them both pinned with arrows before they even realized what had happened. Then, deflecting a blow with his forearm, he tripped a sentinel with his foot and then pulled out a dagger and slit his throat. He moved so quickly, so fluidly it was like watching a ghost disappear and then reappear again. If it weren’t for his Inquisition armor I wouldn’t know which he was.

There were so many coming from every side. I set exploding runes around us hoping it would at least give us warning. We had no way of knowing where they were coming from, but they all just flipped over the runes untouched. A shockwave of electricity from my staff slowed them somewhat and Abelas took out three more with his bow, but there were still so many. 

I threw my staff down, knowing that if we were to survive I had to use a bit more force. I sent a violent wave of wind slicing through them all, slamming them against trees, and knocking the air from their chests. I engulfed those closest in flames and Abelas silently took out the rest. Looking around to see if more were coming, we heard nothing so Abelas and I relaxed.

We had just taken on nearly 30 of them ourselves. It was strange to see all the demons in the shape of Abelas lying dead on the ground and the image of him dying was one that had been in the forefront of my mind for far too long.

He was walking back towards me after the fighting had ceased, and he stopped a few feet from me standing in the tall forest foliage. Abelas looked apprehensive, as though he couldn’t place his thoughts. His yellow, cat-like eyes burned into me, locking on me and didn’t move.

“I had no idea you could fight like that.” I said out of breath and still in awe.

“I had no idea that you could fight without needing a staff to channel.” he said almost irritated. Both of us were aware that it was unheard of to be able to use that kind of magic without a staff. Healing and small household spells could be easily cast bare-handed, but this was a different kind of magic. I had even surprised myself the first time it happened. I had become better at controlling it but after an argument with Solas I had nearly lit my room on fire just thinking about my anger. My eyes fell from Abelas to the ground, he was obviously shaken and suspicious about my new found power. He continued in a worried tone, “Be careful using magic you don’t understand. It could react to you in a way you’ve never seen before. Just… be cautious.”

“Well it’s not blood magic if that’s what you’re wondering. We should just keep going.” I replied to his raised worried eyebrows, and we moved out trying to find an end to the maze of trees. After hiking through the forest for hours, we both were thirsty and as much as Abelas refused to admit it, his weeks in bed were making it hard for him to push forward. We struggled to make our way to a clearing where the trees opened up into a wide valley. Atop a mountain in the distance, I could see the Black City’s tall dark walls and buildings towering eerily. It was hard to believe that our Gods were locked away there, and I didn’t understand how they even could be. Were the stories even true? How could Fen’harel even have locked them inside? It was magic I didn’t understand.  
We stepped out into the valley and as light was shed on us from the fake sun, we heard strange snapping sounds resound through the open valley. Abelas and I looked around almost expecting more sentinels to appear, but instead two figures came to stand in front of us. They did not seem to be aggressive and almost glowed with a calming yellow light. “Abelas, stay back, they are most likely demons.” I told him in response to the look of wonderment on his face.

They were elves, or at least took the form of two elves, a woman and a man who looked much like Abelas. He had similar handsome features but was aged, and his black hair had greyed to a salt and pepper color. They wore odd clothing, long loose cotton tunics, draped in gold jewelry and headdresses braided into their hair. The hems of their clothes glittered with sewed on jewels. 

“Mother…. Father….?” Abelas said with a voice of desperation and confusion. He spoke to them in elven.

They didn’t speak back. I had seen demons like this in the fade at Adamant and I warned Abelas to be careful. They took the form of people whom one cared for most, pulling from the victim’s own thoughts in order to gain control over them. They held out their arms to him and he stepped cautiously closer. I almost called out to Abelas again, I was worried that they might hurt him but they seemed more docile, more like the spirit of the divine in the fade at Adamant than a desire demon.

Then the man replied to Abelas, in a thick archaic elvish that I barely understood. “Son,” said the man, “You did everything you could to stop it. You couldn’t have saved us.”

Then the woman spoke, and all I could make out was, “It is not fair to blame yourself still for our deaths.”

I saw Abelas’ resolve falter, his knees weakened and then he stepped closer, “I tried but nothing helped. The city was in ruin. When I found you… I was sure that you would still be alive.” His voice strained to get the last words out, but the language he spoke was so beautiful that I didn’t want him to stop. His low voice like a rugged song tumbling into my ears.

The woman wore a tender but sad smile. “Thank you, son, for taking our bodies and burying us where you did… Thank you.” said his mother, still in elven that I was struggling to understand.

The man spoke again, “Now, you must forgive yourself for not reaching us in time. Sometimes life works in ways that are painful and seem unfair, but you can do nothing more than move on from it.” His father’s eyes glinted with tears.

His mother held out her hands to him. “I have peace knowing that she makes you happy. She has fought for you, and you are as your father was, my son. You will forever fight for her, as well.” Her eyes moved to meet mine and she smiled at me warmly. “Ma serrannas.” she said as a thank you to me.

Abelas moved in to embrace them and they held each other saying nothing more. I heard Abelas softly whisper “Mythal-enansal.” Go with Mythal’s blessing, and the figures of his parents slowly faded and disappeared into the air. His arms that had just before held his family, now fell to his side.

He stood there silent for a time and I didn’t have the heart to disturb him. If he was upset I knew he would not want me to see it. 

“Are you alright, Abelas?” It was uncomfortable for him to show any weakness, that’s how it had always been. He kept the more unsavory emotions to himself not wanting to burden anyone else or demonstrate that he was anything less than steadfast, but I wanted him to show that side to me. I wanted to share in his burden, regardless of what it was. I had this strange desire to be needed by him, to help him, and I didn’t know if it was from taking care of him while he was sick or if it was because I actually needed him, too.

“I’m not sure. I feel… less a slave-to guilt I guess.” He gave me a reassuring look and we walked on. It would take time for him to open up to me, as it would take time for me to open up to him. I was in no position to rush anyone to talk about their emotions when I never did. 

I was unsure of what other tests we would face and it worried me that they would get increasingly difficult to bare. The fade was not only reacting to Abelas, but to me as well. The demon that presided over the area knew it would be hard for me to kill something that looked exactly like Abelas. It was unbearable to watch the life fade from the demons’ eyes, Abelas’ eyes.

We carried on and halfway across the valley rain started to come down violently, so thick that we were unable to see. It ran into our eyes, stinging and blurring our vision. Running to take cover under the closest tree, Abelas reached out and grabbed my hand and held on tightly so I wouldn’t slip. The tall soaked grass made it impossible to move too quickly. We settled in under the tree, and he wrapped his arms around me to warm me. I was curious if these maniacal rains were another test or if it was just another lovely attribute to the fade. It would probably try to flood us out and we would have to swim our way through a fade rift. It would be my luck.

From nowhere sounds, voices seemed to come from nothing but the vast open valley around us. There was nothing around but open space being pounded by the downcoming rain. They were tangled, different voices too quiet and too many to understand, and muffled by the rain. Then louder they rose and I could make out Cullen’s voice, then Sera’s, and then Solas’ saying something he had said to me a while ago. ‘It would be kinder in the long run, but losing you would…’ it trailed off. 

Abelas and I were both confused as random voices said seemingly random things, some stupid and some meaningful. Sera’s laugh echoed for a second and then stopped.

Then I heard my own voice in the distance, ‘Vhenan, emma lath! Dar dareth din’an!’ the pained cry I had yelled out to Solas lying in the cell next to him. It gave me chills to hear my own voice so mangled with anguish. Abelas’ face distorted into concern hearing my voice so frightened and upset, I could tell that he was trying to place my words and figure out where I had said them. I had said in elven to Solas, My heart, my love! Please be safe from death! After walking the fade in our dreams together, and after feeling like we were being pulled into the fade physically, I had awakened worried that he hadn’t escaped from death as I had.

Abelas and I looked at each other trying to make sense of what we were hearing. 

“What’s happening?” I asked, hoping he might have an answer. Neither of us were ready for the next challenged, whatever it was. We were exhausted from walking for hours on end.

The voices continued, Cassandra, Abelas himself, then some I didn’t recognize, and then,

‘Did you kiss him?’ said Solas’ voice.

‘Yes.’ I heard my own voice reply.

I heard Abelas scoff and his body tensed, preparing himself for what other words might sting his ears. I was nervous as to where this was going. Was this Mythal’s doing, or was it just the fade reflecting things that had happened? More people, soldiers laughing, people speaking old elven, people cheering and yelling from the tavern.

Cole’s soft voice spoke over the rain, repeating my thoughts, ‘‘Why does he have this control over me?’ But love is too strong a word, and another wears it better.’

Then Solas, ‘I should have known when I saw him mark you!’ A pause then he continued, ‘I know what the sentiment meant to him and it’s insulting to me that he would do it without even asking you first.’

Abelas’ face turned stern, and I jumped when he pulled away from me and yelled. “I did that to protect you! I knew I wouldn’t always be there to keep you safe!” He searched my face for reassurance that he didn’t find. “I had to do something! Every day you face new danger and… Solas isn’t the only one who is allowed to care about you!”

I shook my head slightly trying to think of some sort of explanation, but was also still unsure about Abelas’ motivations with placing the mark. “Solas told me that it was the same as marking me as your soulmate! And I care about you, Abelas, maybe more than I should, but you should have spoken to me about it first!”

“It wouldn’t have worked if you didn’t feel the same way!” I looked at him in awe, I was forced to finally face the reality that my feelings for him had solidified themselves in my heart a while ago. I had for so long been successful in ignoring them.  
“So it was a test then? To see if I loved you?” I said, more pointedly and harsher than I should have.

“No…” He started defensively. I knew he had placed the mark unselfishly but he also may have done it to see if I didn’t have any buried feelings for him.

The voices continued, and I begged and hoped that they would stop and not reveal anything further.

‘Surely it wouldn’t work the same if some sort of declaration be made that the two of you weren’t….’ Solas’ voice echoed, ‘I was just under the impression that the spell had to be.... consummated. Physically.’ I stared down at the ground upset that this was happening but unsure of how to stop it. I could see out the corner of my eye Abelas giving me a look of disbelief. And Solas’ voice spoke again, ‘Have you thought of trying to break the spell?’

At Solas’ last words Abelas shook his head and covered his eyes with his hand. I touched his arm trying to comfort him and he lifted his gaze to me with a hurt expression. I never wanted to cause him any pain and I would do anything to take it away now. I thought about crawling closer to him, climbing onto his lap to embrace him. I wanted to feel him close to me and to show him that I was sorry, but I was stopped by what we heard next. 

 

‘Nadas, ir lath ma.’ whispered sensually followed by heavy breaths and heady moans of pleasure.

 

Abelas threw his fists furiously at the ground and stood up. He put his face in his hands, rubbing his brows and trying to calm himself down but we both knew he had reason to be angry. I tried to imagine what he would be feeling, and thought briefly of the idea of Abelas with another woman. Tears rushed to my eyes much too quickly.

I was unimaginably, unbearably jealous at the thought.

I was barely able to hold back tears and I buried my head in my crossed arms. I sat with my back to the tree and tried not to cry. Abelas let out a pained guttural yell. At the sound of his voice so full of anguish I lost control and sobbed, not able to breathe.  
“You realize he slept with you to break my spell, right? Did you hear what Solas said? He wanted it to be broken and he knew that was the only way.” He had never yelled at me before and I was frightened by it. I couldn’t look him in the eye as guilt and anger boiled inside of me. Was it true? Had Solas made love to me for the sole reason to keep me further from Abelas? If so, the pain from my naivety was too much to stand. I would have hurt both Abelas and myself because I was dumb enough to think Solas would still truly care for me.

How did Solas know so much about a thousand year old elvhen sentiment? Why couldn’t he just come back to me and keep me from Abelas by claiming me as his own, instead of hurting me more?

As much as I wanted to believe that Solas and I were finally in a good place, I also believed that Abelas was right. Solas couldn’t stand the thought of me being with Abelas or the idea that I had feelings for him. Whatever reasons Solas had for not being able to show that he cares about me, he set them aside in order to keep me from someone else. He made love to me just to unbind Abelas spell. Just to spite Abelas. His new found hatred for his competition was so blinding that he didn’t think about my feelings. I was so hurt that it made it hard to breathe, as though it was crushing my chest. My stomach was retched into knots acknowledging that I had stupidly allowed him in over and over, just so he could continually hurt me.

 

The rain lightened slightly and the last bit of lightning cracked over the Black City before clearing up. I wiped the tears from my face, trying to pull myself together. Abelas signalled for us to keep walking, even though we didn’t know what direction to go. He was angry and wanted to get out of the fade as soon as possible. I couldn’t blame him.

We decided to follow the valley out of the hills. A river winded its way through and out into a rocky plain. Walking for hours on end, we were both starving and tired. Neither of us had a plan to prepare us and we were both still very angry. I was disappointed in myself for trusting Solas and for hurting Abelas, when he cared for me so purely. Abelas had never asked for anything in return, he had simply been my friend because he wanted to. We had protected each other for a long time, he had made sure my visions did not overwhelm me and I had cared for him whenever his headaches came back. I had rushed away from the Frostbacks, away from Solas to be by Abelas’ side. It was not because I felt at the time that I loved him, but it was what we had always been for each other. We had, from the beginning, relied completely on the other for strength. When I was sad I knew that he would be waiting for me with wine and jokes. When he frustrated or grumpy I would take him down to the river to swim, and on the colder days we would sit huddled in blankets on my balcony looking at the mountains and drinking Orlesian hot chocolates.

I was sure now that Mythal wasn’t forcing us together, if she had been then she wouldn’t have almost let him die. Another thing that Solas tried to convince me of to keep Abelas and I apart. It was more likely that I was brought closer to Mythal, and the visions came easier when I was around Abelas simply because of his strong connection to her.

Abelas decided that it would be best if we found a place to camp as we were both exhausted. I wasn’t exactly fond of trying to sleep in the fade and it worried me. Both of us were essentially mages, even if Abelas chose to fight a different way, and dreaming inside the fade meant we were possibly even more susceptible to possession. On the other hand we could hardly walk in a straight line from exhaustion and hunger. We had been in the fade for at least a full day’s time, if not more, walking through the forest and covering the area of the valley to reach the other side. We were following a trail that was hard to see but that Abelas could easily track. He insisted that it was probably the next test, seeing that he had spent so much time tracking in his old life.  
The trail led us to a small opening in the hills. “This would be a good place to camp.” He spun around to face me, as though he had been thinking about it for a while and decided to finally get it off his chest. “Look, Ari… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten so angry with you. I’ve never even actually told you how I felt, so I can’t really blame any of this on you. I honestly thought you knew what you meant to me.”

“And I honestly worried that I was just another woman to be conquered.”

“No, it’s never been like that.” His tone was sad, and for the first time he seemed completely bare to me, unveiled and himself. 

He gave me a smile and then continued to look around. As he moved out of the way I saw something glimmering in the background. “Abelas, come look at this!” We walked further down the path and through to another small clearing. Before us stood a gilded statue draped in freshly picked white flowers. It was a shrine. I looked around to see any sign of who had placed the flowers but found nothing, probably just more fade weirdness. Then a voice I recognized spoke to us.

“My champions.” Mythal said lovingly. The golden statue lowered her arms and walked gracefully toward us, letting the flowers fall to the wayside. It was her, not Mythal in the form of Flemeth but actually her, an elf. Even in my visions and dreams she appeared as a spirit, an outline of light with no actual features.

She was beautiful. The gold paint of the statue slowly started to fade to reveal her light skin. As it disappeared her features became more defined. Her hair was a soft white with natural loose curls that fell down to her hips. Her eyes were light grey, but bright, and her mouth curved in a way that was so familiar. Her high cheekbones and narrow chin… 

It was like looking in a mirror. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Abelas look at my face, then Mythal, then back at me, no doubt seeing the same thing I saw. 

She spoke again, “The two of you have a purpose, whether you are aware or not. It is perhaps time that I share with you my plan.”

“How are you here, I thought you were locked away in the Black City with the others?” I asked.

“Da’len, I am. I am able to show you myself in my true form because you are so close to the Black City and because I pull from your own magic. Your power allows me the strength I need to show at least the image of myself, if not myself physically.” I had more power than Mythal herself in her weakened state, and she pulled energy from me to even appear before us.

“Thank you, for helping me. It is a blessing that I cannot repay you for.” said Abelas bowing on one knee at her feet.

“Ah, but you can repay me, Lethallin.” she reached an elegant arm out pulled him to stand in front of her, and motioned for me to come closer. She held mine and Abelas’ hands, looking at us both with pride. “We will take back what was ours. We will live with the shemlen in peace or not at all. Your land was taken from you even after their so called ‘gods’ promised the land to the elvhen in their scripture. They break their own treatises. But truly, we elvhen destroyed ourselves. Our gods warred against each other, leaving the people without protectors. Locked away for thousands of years, now the fighting amongst us has ceased and it is time. It is time to throw open the gates. But first, we will revive our lost civilization from the dead.”

She let go of Abelas and turned to me, smiling kindly. “Emma’lin, the power you wield will herald in a new age.” Mythal looked at Abelas again, bowed her head slightly in respect, and he replied with a deep bow as she walked away. Smoke started swirling around her ankles. She paused and over her shoulder she looked back at me. “Pride is a fitting name for him. We must be wary not to give trust to those that have proven they don’t deserve it.” She spoke of Solas. The smoke curled around her and when it cleared she was gone.

“Is it over?” Abelas said exhausted and sleepily. His impatience made me smile, it was his way always when he was tired.

“Yes, let’s go home.” I tried to focus on Skyhold and the spot I had opened the rift before. The veil would have been made thinner there from the rift, like an unhealed wound that is easily split open again. My head was dizzy and light but I focused my breathing and energy into my mark. I lifted my hands to pull open the rift but was stopped by Abelas’ touch on my elbow.

“Wait… There’s something I want to say before we go back.” he walked to stand in front of me, but kept his head down as though he was too afraid to say what was on his mind. It was always so adorable to see him being shy, as he was never shy.

I wondered what was on his mind that would shake him so. He was never afraid to say what was on his mind. “Vhenan…” I whispered to him, finally he looked up and met my gaze. I saw in his eyes that he was still hurt and uncomfortable. He was not used to being in situations that were beyond his manipulation, out of his control.

“I… I do care for you.” he said it quickly like it was painful and wanted to just get it over with. “I care for you and I won’t share you any longer. I know Solas broke your heart and that will take time, but I can offer you so much more than he ever could. I refuse to stand by and watch him hurt you. I… You need to make a decision now. I will no longer be second to him. You either move on from Solas and try to be happy, or you lose me.”

I was surprised by his ultimatum. He was always so removed, he would flirt with me incessantly and do impulsive things like kiss me out of nowhere, or place the spell on me, but would never talk about the permanence of his affections. He would take what time he could with me but never hinted at wanting a relationship, and I always assumed that it was just another flirtatious ruse, a challenge. I thought that I intrigued him because I didn’t just melt into his hands like every other woman. I had been so nervous that my own true feelings would leave me hurt by him in the end.

It was evident to anyone with eyes that we meant a lot to each other, but until now I didn’t know the depth that it went to, that it went beyond friendship mixed with the curiosity of sex. He was placing everything on the line, so he had to be unsure of my true feelings or he wouldn’t have given me an ultimatum. 

“I… can’t make you any promises, the life I live is full of such uncertainty and honestly, it’s a mess, but Abelas you are the only person who has truly stood by me and I won’t lose you. I can’t lose you.” 

He smiled at my words, then let out a relieved sigh and said, “That is enough.” 

“Let’s go home” I said smiling, holding my hand out to him. He grabbed it tightly as I raised my marked hand to tear open the veil. On the count of three we jumped through the rift.

 

# CHAPTER XVI

We fell as time seemed to go in slow motion. I held my breath and crossed my fingers hoping that we would actually end up back in Skyhold, but it seemed to be taking longer than the first time I came through. I forcefully warped the veil around my mind, focusing on Skyhold and the rift trembled around us if made nervous by my unforgiving will.

Suddenly, the darkness was chased away by bright light and we thudded to the ground. Both of our eyes had trouble adjusting from the darkness of the fade to the white sunlight. We stood up squinting and the sound of cheering met our ears before our eyes were able to open to see that we had landed in the lower courtyard of Skyhold. 

“Da’len, that was incredible!” Abelas yelled in surprise. Everyone came running to greet us in awe. We had walked out of the fade untouched, I myself for the third time. Abelas knew how much strength it took to force us through to the other side. I pulled the rift shut not letting go of his hand, and I surprised myself how easily I did. I could feel the magic hum through my veins, reverberating restlessly as I was gaining more and more power. 

Abelas picked me up by my hips and held me while he spun us in a circle. The crowd yelled and cried out to us. Walking from the fade, we were as gods to them.

My mouth unthinkingly met Abelas’ lips, leaving a single long kiss. Breaking apart, we looked at each other for a second, pausing and taking in what it meant. He kissed me again still holding me up, and spun me slowly around. I gave in to him but was hit with surprise as he parted my lips urgingly. My body shuddered at the soft caress of his tongue against mine, and the skies opened in response to a release of my magic. I was terrified and bewitched by my own power as the skies let out a downpour of rain. Everyone screamed and squealed in laughter as their clothes were instantly soaked. Abelas set me down still kissing me passionately, and excitedly. He held me tightly with his body pushed against mine until the heavy rain made us laugh and break apart. He sweetly put a hand on my face. Rain water ran over the both of us but we hardly noticed. He held his forehead to mine savoring the moment, close enough to steal another kiss in between soft whispers to each other. 

I had been so afraid to lose him, so afraid that he would never wake up.

Sera yelled across the courtyard at us, “Ay, you, not everyone wants a show! I mean… Bull wouldn’t mind.” she said jokingly, punching Bull in the arm. “I’m getting the champagne… So, if anyone wants to join.” I searched the faces in the crowd briefly but couldn’t find Solas. Sera turned and walked past Cullen. He had his head hung looking at the ground. She said quietly to him, but loud enough to still hear. “Sorry, mate, I think she digs the elfy ones. Now it’s an even elfier elfy one. Wooo, tough luck.” Cullen seemed to be upset by more than just Abelas and I.

They all walked away following Sera to the tavern, leaving Abelas and I alone in the pouring rain. I broke away from his arms to look him plainly in the eyes, yelling loud enough so he could hear me over the downpour. “I don’t want to rush this and risk losing you.” 

The way I lost Solas, I thought.

Abelas agreed and told me that we would remain friends until I decided that the time was right, but didn’t let me go before pulling me into another kiss that made my knees go weak, proving to me that it was only a matter of how long I could resist him.  
He and I followed the others and indulged in a delightful, and sarcastically overdone champagne toast given by Sera. Everyone seemed determined to drink the night away with reckless abandon, but I was tired and curiosity got the best of me. Solas was nowhere in sight, and the need to see him squirm when I confronted him was at the forefront of my thoughts. As Abelas went up to the bar to grab another Ale, I ducked out of the tavern.

 

I found him painting in the rotunda, his body slumped into a sullen heap sat atop the scaffolding. He sat there applying strokes of paint not looking up as I stepped into the room. I walked casually over to sit on the edge of his desk and watched him for some time, saying nothing. 

I forced back a feeling of sadness that started to burn in my chest as I watched him. He refused to look up, or couldn’t bear to. He was probably still angry with me for closing the rift behind us. I decided I had to speak first.  
“How could you be so selfish with me?” I spoke louder than I meant to and my voice echoed through the rotunda. I was suddenly made conscious of the fact that Dorian was most likely in the library above us, as he hadn’t been in the tavern, and could possibly hear everything we were saying.

Solas said nothing but ceased in placing a fresh stroke of green paint onto the stucco wall. I was getting frustrated that he wouldn’t even turn to face me, even after I asked him a question. He had never acted this way when he was angry, only when he was sad. But what would have possibly made him this somber? I looked up at what he was painting and realized that he was nearly finished with the mural. The final scene showed me staring down Corypheus for the last time. It was curious because Solas had been very specific about painting the scenes after they happened. 

The realization hit me like a brick wall. 

“Solas, you’re leaving aren’t you?” I immediately left behind any desire to question him about his transgressions. I waited for his reply but when it didn’t come, I tried to press harder. “Solas?” my voice was more broken and sadder than I had expected.  
He was either insistent upon ignoring me or was too heartbroken to speak in fear of revealing more to me than he wanted, and the latter was made evident by his bowed head. I climbed the ladder on the scaffolding and pulled myself up beside him. He lifted his head to gaze upon my face, only for a second. Trying desperately to think of what to say to keep him from leaving, I crawled on my hands and knees towards him. I took the paintbrush from his hands and set it to the side not caring that it rolled around on the scaffolding leaving green paint smears. 

“Why are you leaving?” One last determined attempt. 

“I have done everything I can. We will find the orb and then…” Solas seemed detached from his words, far away as though he wasn’t even present in the body of the man in front of me.

“What about the orb? What aren’t you telling me?” Two tears fell from my eyes and the sound was louder than I expected as they hit the wood of the scaffolding.

His bright sapphire eyes burned into mine, and he reached his elegant hand to cup my chin and tilt back my head. Solas brushed his thumb over my lips, his eyes lingered on the curve of my lips. I saw desperate and sad impassioned thoughts dancing behind his eyes. I savored his touch and felt weak with a need for more. I needed him close to me, always. It was a horrible, ridiculous curse. 

Why did I have to love him?

His eyes were glazed over, in pain. He wore his sadness like a rain-soaked cloak, drowning him in its heavy burden. I begged him with a look to give me something, anything; an explanation, reassurance that he wouldn’t leave my side, a hungry desire-fueled kiss… 

He did nothing but look in my eyes as though trying to take in every detail. As though he was looking at them for the last time, committing their colour to memory so he wouldn’t forget. I shook my head at him pleadingly. “No, Solas, I can’t do this without you…” 

I was reduced to begging as he cocked his head to the side, excruciating emotion distorting the features of his handsome face. He moved toward me as though to comfort me but instead he pushed my back firmly up against the stucco wall, and held me there not allowing me to move. He hastily intertwined his fist tightly into my hair and I let out a soft moan in response to his rough touch. Solas held his lips inches from mine, sharing my hot breath. 

I was waiting for him to kiss me, desperately craving Solas’ lips to meet mine, ignoring that Abelas’ had touched them an hour before. I jutted my chin towards him, daring him to devour me. When he didn’t move I said, “I need answers, Solas.” Willing him to look me in the eye. 

His grip in my hair loosened and he broke the hot tension, pulling away to step down the ladder. I followed him closely not allowing him to leave without some sort of an explanation. If he could leave so easily, then he truly didn’t care the way I had thought.  
“Did you make love to me just because you knew it would unbind Abelas’ spell? Did you lie to me, tell me that you loved me just because you couldn’t stand that he might?”

At my words he froze and spun to face me. His brows were furrowed and his passion soaked words poured out like a sweet water spring that gave me life. 

“I made love to you because it’s as natural as breathing to me, because I felt as though I might die if I never felt your touch again… I told you I loved you because you are the only thing I have ever loved, because… even if nothing else is left, those words whispered in your ear would never lose their meaning to me.” His voice trembled, thick with heady emotion. I had waited so long to hear him say what I knew was the truth, and he finally did. 

He loved me.

But he was leaving.

“Then we are both condemned to this? Loving each other relentlessly, unforgivingly for the rest of our lives?” I asked him, with the last fragment of hope screaming, begging that he might not leave.

“I’m afraid so.” He had already resigned himself to it, he had given up. 

“You had always planned on leaving… that’s why you broke it off.” I guessed and he nodded solemnly in response. I asked him why he didn’t trust me enough to tell me his reasons. “Wherever you’re going, I’ll come with you. Just wait until this is all over, and I will run anywhere with you.” 

“I know you would.” Solas ran his hands through my hair twisting it, fascinated, around his index finger. “Where I am going you won’t be able to follow.” his lips pursed at the sad thought. 

I said only half-joking, “Do you have a wife and kids somewhere that no one knows about?”

Solas threw his head back and laughed loudly, even through the pain, then assured me it was nothing of the sort. He knew I didn’t understand. He wanted to tell me, I could see it on the edge of his mouth, dancing along the lines of his lips begging to fall out. “It is something larger than all of us Da’len, you must trust me… Do you trust me?”

I nodded to him that I did, and he thought apprehensively on his words for a minute before he spoke again. “If you promise to give me some time and live your life as you should, not hung up on the life we couldn’t have together, then…” 

He paused on the promise that I knew he was about to make, hesitating knowing that he couldn’t break it or he would also break my heart more. “I will in return promise that I will make my way back to you. I’ll find a way.” I agreed to the terms he set and I brushed the side of his neck with my fingers, tracing their way up to his lips. My mind wandered to the places on my body that those lips had left soft kisses, and I shuddered at the memory of each sweet one. 

The door was then quickly thrown open and I turned away from Solas, removing my fingers from the beautiful outlines of his mouth. 

“I’ve been looking for you.” said Abelas with a warm unsuspecting smile. I looked back at Solas as I walked away, telling him with a look that we were to continue this conversation at another time, warning him not to leave. He gave me a slight understanding nod. 

Abelas took me by the hand and led me out to the main hall. Each step I took away from Solas I felt as though I grew weaker. Learning of his intent to leave and that his cause was righteous rather than self-motivated, I felt guilty for so quickly jumping to blame him. 

I felt guilty for how hot his touch burned on my skin. 

I felt guilty for desperately wanting to know what thoughts made him look at me in that way, when his eyes filled with the feverous burn of appetite. 

I felt guilty again for my mind running away with wanton imaginings of both Solas and Abelas in my chambers, their hands hungry for me. 

I jumped as Abelas brought my attention back to the present by placing his hand in the small of my back. My mind, my body had been made unsteady by Solas’ touch and his words. I was still bewitched by it.

Abelas and I walked out to the courtyard and to the tavern to join the others. I grabbed myself a drink that I only took a few sips of, my stomach was somewhat upset by the evening's course of events. I stood at the bar at Abelas’ side as he spoke with Dorian, who I was glad to learn had been sitting on the other side of the tavern all night, and therefore hadn’t seen or heard my conversation with Solas from the top of the rotunda. Had Dorian overheard mine and Solas’ conversation he would not have told Abelas, but he would have confronted me about what Solas was up to, and I didn’t want a lecture.

I watched the night pass by as if in slow motion. I could think of nothing else but the fact that Solas would be gone, and I would probably never see him again. Dorian seemed delighted that Abelas and I were somewhat of a thing and he wouldn’t stop talking about it. No doubt because he was pleased that I had seemingly moved on from Solas, whom Dorian despised.

Solas certainly had the worst timing imaginable.

Abelas welcomed the subject, enjoying the validation that we were becoming more than friends. Ever since Abelas arrived everyone had gushed about how perfect we would be as a couple. I couldn’t disagree, and I didn’t want anything to get in the way of us having a chance even if we had agreed to simply be friends for the time being. 

I also couldn’t let what was my last couple days with Solas pass without seeing him again.

Without touching him again.

Without hearing him tell me that he loved me, one last time.

I was shaken by it and couldn’t focus on anything else. I hurriedly interrupted Abelas’ and Dorian’s conversation to tell them that I needed to be excused. 

“What’s wrong, Vhenan?” Abelas asked under his breath so to conceal his worry from Dorian who stood to his left.

“I’m exhausted from this day, and the wine has made me feel sick, I’m afraid.”

“Oh, then I shall retire from the night with you…”

“No!” I replied much too quickly and regretted it immediately. His face grew concerned and I tried to reassure him, “I meant, I don’t want to ruin your night as well.”

He gave me a loving smile, melting my heart into submission. “I assure you, it would only ruin my night to be away from you.” I thought it best not to argue and the two of us said our goodnights. Abelas sweetly grabbed my hand and held it until we reached my chambers. He asked if there was anything he could get me to remedy my stomach and I declined. I knew that he would think to sleep in the loft again now that we were on even more intimate terms, but I told him that it was a bad idea. Things were different now, and we couldn’t afford to move too quickly. We were still simply friends. Albeit, friends who went literally into the depths of hell to save the other, and friends who kissed each other like teenage lovers. I was determined to keep our relationship simple, and I would be fine doing nothing more than kiss him forever if it was necessary.

“I think it best if you would sleep in the quarters Josephine made for you. At least… until we figure out what we are doing. We should give it time.” He hadn’t slept in that room very often, despite me lying to Josephine that he loved it. She spent a lot of time trying to make sure it was perfect for him, but the truth was that my room was his room and had been since he first got here. Before, trying to explain to Josie that we shared a room without making it seem like we were lovers, it had never occurred to me before how inseparable he and I had been. He had been by my side constantly since the night he arrived in the shadows. It was as though I was truly seeing him, and what he meant to me, for the first time. 

Our timing was less than favourable though, and I thought for a second longer than I should have, that it would have been easier if Solas had just disappeared. I would have been devastated but it would have been easier. Knowing that he was leaving was torture. Knowing that I still loved him was torture.

Knowing that I loved Abelas too, was torture.

 

### Solas

I watched Arianne leave the room with Abelas reaching for her hand. He did not even look at me, but only watched with joy as she gracefully bounded toward him. Seeing their hands lock and their fingers intertwine for the first time made my stomach sick. If their relationship had become more defined, it was a recent development that I was unaware of. In a weak moment of rage I toyed with the thought of following him out of the room, pulling him to the side and sinking my fist firmly into his face. 

He had walked into the room to see Arianne and I, much too close to simply be discussing Inquisition matters. Yet he coolly took her by the hand as if it were nothing. He was so confident in himself that he no longer saw me as a threat. That bothered me more than it should have. 

I tried to pluck apart my mind, my emotions, to make sense of why I was almost congenial to the idea of Cullen caring for her after I left, and why I was wrecked senseless by Abelas’ new claim over her.  
Cullen was respectful, almost overpowered by Arianne’s presence, but he would follow her unyieldingly. He was gentle and kind and made her laugh.

Abelas stirred in her something deviant. Both of them were headstrong, but Abelas was able to control Arianne, something no one else had ever been brave enough to even try. I saw the way he touched her, I saw his hands on her when I walked out and saw them together on the balcony in Val Royeaux. He touched her in a possessive way, entitled and demanding of his own physical desires. Perhaps this was what intrigued her so. It must be. Her unbreakable will was not used to being broken, conquered. Her indomitable focus, as I had once put it. He looked at her like the hunter looked at the hunted. How a wolf looked at a fennec. Like predator looked at prey.

And she liked it.

 

The thought made me want to wretch. I walked up to my chambers sullenly and took some herbs hoping that they would make me sleep, and they did for a while. 

I was awakened earlier in the morning than I would have liked but decided to stay up. It was still dark and the sun wouldn’t rise for some time, my favorite time of day. I had always loved the cool calm of the early morning. I dressed myself in a light tunic and went for a walk on the ramparts. 

It was a dewy cold morning, but pleasant nonetheless. Most of the snow had melted in the mountains save for the very tops, and light from the full moon reflected from the snowcapped peaks. It was a beautiful sight to take in, and I figured that I should do just that while I still had the time. Corypheus was going to strike soon, I could feel it in my bones. Or perhaps it was the orb that I could feel, drawing closer to me. I had felt its pull when it was so close to me in Haven and I recognized its connection to me again.  
I had been out walking for a while and the sun had barely started to show itself over the peaks in the distance, allowing for a dim light to replace the pitch black. There was no one else awake and out except for a few soldiers on guard. I came to the north side of the ramparts, the one nearest the tower and I gazed up at Arianne’s balcony. Where we had shared our first kiss. Our first kiss outside of the fade, at least. I stared up at it for some time, hoping that I would actually find the strength in my heart to leave when the time came. 

And then there she was. She glided out onto the balcony as if something divine. I wished that I had been closer to her, so that I could trace with my eyes the way her hair fell scattered by her ears down to her chest. I imagined her breathing in the crisp morning air, rubbing the sleep from her eyes the way she always had when we woke up by each other’s side. She took off her cloak, and the sun’s first warmth caressed her sweet skin with its rays. I never thought I would feel jealous of the sun’s rays.  
Then her gaze fell from the mountains to me. I smiled up at her, hoping that she would see. 

I loved her so much.

She smiled back at me for only a second, and to my surprise, she abruptly spun and ran into her rooms. Even from so far below I could hear the inside door of her chambers slam open as she bounded through it, running to meet me. I was standing above the garden looking down waiting for her. I started to descend the stairs slowly at first until I was sure that she was coming for me. 

Arianne threw open the door that led out into the empty garden. The sight of her running towards me was enough to break my heart with joy. 

Our bodies met in the middle of the garden and both of us let out a sigh of relief at the other’s embrace. She had jumped into my arms at a run and wrapped her legs around my waist in unbearable anticipation. I held her like that for a while, savoring the way her hair felt against my face, and the way her scent combined with mine to create what had become my favorite smell. 

I had been doing so well, I had kept my feelings to myself and tried to allow her to move on. I had almost, so nearly succeeded in leaving her with a clean break and an excuse to be angry with me rather than a reason to hold on to me.

A reason to miss me. 

A reason to love me.

I had almost been strong enough to leave and allow her to live her life free of me, but then she walked into the stucco room to chastise me in the adorable way she always had. She saw through the concealment of my true feelings, and she broke me with her beautiful eyes and impetuous demands. I almost had the gall to walk away from her, but I couldn’t. She had run her elegant fingers over my face, my lips, and she destroyed what was left of my will to fight it. She owned me.

Damn her.

 

I set her on her feet and her eyes were filling with tears as she looked up at me. She began to speak but I placed a single finger over her lips to silence her. 

No words. Words could only ruin the moment and make the pain more real. Make it more real than it had to be. Instead we could blur it out with kisses and hungry touches.

That was exactly what we did. I stalled myself before kissing her, still unsure of what agreement her and Abelas had come to about their relationship. Even if I didn’t want him anywhere near her, I would not disrespect Arianne by touching her if she belonged to another man. Before I could ask her about the situation, she pulled my head down to meet her mouth. She slowly swirled her beautiful lips over mine and wrapped her arms around my neck. I tried my best to resist her and break away but her tongue traced my lower lip and aroused me insufferably. 

I pulled away from her before I could lose all sense to her ridiculously skilled tongue. “Arianne… please. Abelas…”

She interrupted my sentence, “Abelas and I are yet friends. I belong to noone but you in this moment.” I looked at her with a hesitation for a moment but felt my desire for her swell beyond what was bearable. I couldn’t be separated from her another second, and I could see in her the same desire. 

She started to walk away, teasingly looking back at me over her shoulder and I followed her to a covered corner of the garden. Once we were underneath the covered part of the courtyard I grabbed her delicate hand and jerked her playfully to me. I ran my hands over her curves down to her thighs and then picked up her lithe body, wrapping her legs around my hips, right where I wanted them. I walked until her back was pressed firmly against the wall. I had thought so many times about her in this very position, her breasts pushed against my chest and her legs tightly around me, holding me close. The look of excitement in her magnificent eyes urged me onward. I remembered how exquisite she had looked that cool morning in the Frostbacks, with her white hair tousled and messy from my hands, and with delighted sounds of pleasure coming from her sweet lips.

Our mouths came together again as I couldn’t fight back my arousal any longer. I pressed her body into the wall and she quivered at the pressure of my hips. Our bodies moved together as our excitement rose higher. Arianne’s mouth traced kisses along my neck and down to my shoulders. Her nails dug into the skin on my lower back under my shirt as I bit into her neck.

“Solas, please…” she begged out of breath.

“Yes, my love?” I asked coyly before leaving little bites on her defined collarbone.

“I need you. Now.” Her words were more demand than plead at that point and I gladly obeyed. I let her feet fall to the ground and kissed her again, I wanted her to know, to feel my love for her.

I bent down on one knee and slowly drove my hands under the skirt of her dress and slid off her underwear, letting them fall to the ground. She rolled her head backward onto the wall, overwhelmed by my touch. Our lips met again with a rough kiss, and I left one hand to pull the hem of her dress up over her hips. I wanted to get rid of every barrier between us. I let my hand wander between her thighs, I wanted her to know nothing but this divine pleasure. She pursed her lips, hoping that they would allow her to keep quiet, and she fumbled with the ties of my trousers. She flippantly begged for help in untying the fastens of my pants as she was having trouble. I laughed coyly at her enthusiasm and was happy that she was as eager as I was. She looked at me like I was the only thing she needed to live, and every second that we were apart was a torturous threat to her survival. 

 

That was when it happened.

 

I felt the veil violently rip before the sound even met my ears. Corypheus had opened the breach again over the Temple of Sacred Ashes. The sound of the blast rattled the windowpanes of Skyhold and a current of wind was violently thrown back by the force. Arianne and I broke away from each other in knowing horror, and ran out into the garden to see that the sky had again broken. Her gorgeous face was lined with silent terror, both in the reality of threat of her life and the knowledge that I would soon be gone.  
She looked in my eyes for some sort of consolation but I could give her none. 

The terrified shrieks and yells echoed through Skyhold as people scampered out of their sleeping quarters to find their world again ripped apart. Cullen ran along the outside of the ramparts, no doubt on his way to find Arianne to make a plan to arm against the attack that would soon come. He rounded the corner and yelled out to Arianne that they would meet at the war table after he found Leliana. 

Arianne turned away to run up the stairs to meet them, but I grabbed her arm to stop her, knowing it was my last chance to speak to her. “Wait, please, Arianne… not yet!”

“Solas, we have to go!” She said impatiently but also pained.

“I know, but first please…” My voice cracked and my breath caught in my throat. I urged myself on, forcing the words out even though it pained me to have to ask. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to get a taste of everything that I had ever desired and then have to leave it behind forever. I wanted to run away with her to a cottage in the Dales where we could be alone, just the two of us. I could cook her breakfast while she sang softly into her morning tea. I could give her children. The house would be filled with laughter as our kin scampered around playing with each other. They would have her eyes, and her smile. Her spirit.

I could almost taste the beautiful, heartbreaking scene.

I held her perfect face in my hands, committing every curve and line and freckle to memory, desperately afraid to forget a single magnificent detail. “Please, tell me that you love me first. I need to hear it from you… I need to hear that I’m the love of your life. I must know that no matter what happens that I will always be the one you couldn’t move on from.” Sharp tears stung my eyes. I tried to ignored them and blink them away but one escaped, running down my cheek. She caught it with her thumb and brushed it off with a knowing smile.

“Vhenan…” Tears began to spill from her eyes as well, the eyes that I cherished. “I would marry you this instant so only to be able to call you my husband, even if I never saw you again. I am truly yours that will never change. Your love has stirred something in me and I could never be the same. Not a second will pass where I don’t love you or miss you. I think even after I die that I shall love you. Somehow.” She was trying to keep control of her voice and her emotions, lest they run away from her and leave her sobbing.

“Arianne, in every meaning of the word, I am married to you, body and soul. Even if you are not my wife, even if you come to love another, I will yet be your husband. I will never be able to rid you from my heart, and I wouldn’t want to be. There will never be anyone else for me, wherever I am, wherever this takes me I am yours forever.”

“We are married then! If only it could be made true…” Through her tears she let out a delighted giggle, as the joy at my profession mixed with the ache of the truth.

I continued wanting to dry her tears and hear her melodic beautiful laugh again. “Emma lath… it is made true, in this moment. I need it to be true. The two of us belong to the other, and that is the truest truth I have ever heard.” It pleased me that she laughed in happiness at my outburst. Her giggle was so much better than her tears, even if they were shed out of her love for me. 

“The truest truth?” She asked me teasingly, poking fun at my choice of words knowing that I had said them only to make her smile.

I continued, ardently wanting to make her laugh. I should have spent more time trying to make her laugh. “Husband and wife, if not deemed so by some chantry idiot or some Dalish keeper… then I deem it so with the power vested in me.” I told her mocking the chantry’s words, but also wanting so desperately for her tears to stop and her exquisite smile to shine through again. I kissed her knowing that it would be the last time and lingered on her perfect lips as long as I could before pulling away from her. 

“Go!” I yelled, turning her body away. We could waste no more time, not even for goodbyes.

 

#### Arianne

I tried my best to brush the tears from my face, not wanting to arouse concern when I met the others in the war room. I quickly ran to my quarters and geared up with armor and weapons and then descended the stairs again.

Cullen was already in a heated conversation with the others, urging them to agree that the only way to not kill everyone would be to take the fight to Corypheus, to the Temple of Sacred Ashes.

Josephine interjected to argue and disagree, but was silenced by my words. “No, we march. This ends now.” I was motivated by the painful goodbye with Solas, and gratefully turned that pain into anger towards Corypheus. Anger had always been the easiest emotion for me to feel, the rest was generally best pushed to the back of my mind locked in small crates, left to be excruciatingly forced opened when I was alone with no distractions.

 

The three of them said nothing more and each of them gave me a single respectful nod before moving on and sending out communications for our people to prepare.

My men all met me in the courtyard minutes later. Dorian, Cole, Solas, and a few of the others prepared to go with me and the rest joined the troops of men. I tried to hold myself together as my eyes met Solas’, I didn’t want the others to suspect that he was leaving or that I knew. 

Abelas ran from the tower where his quarters were to meet me. He pull me into a tight hug and ran his eyes over to me to ensure that I wasn’t hurt, as he could see that my eyes were swollen from tears. He pressed me for an answer, “What’s wrong my love, have you been crying?” He said quietly as the others were close by, he had such concern in his voice for me. I assured him that I was fine, uncomfortably brushing off his question knowing that it would upset him to know who my tears had been shed for. I diverted his attention and told him that I needed him to stay at Skyhold to command those who were left to guard the castle.

“Fen’Harel…” He said as a curse. “You’re joking right? You can’t expect me to stay here while you leave unprotected to fight that wretched bastard. Emma lath, please don’t. Don’t do this.”

“The men look up to you, they trust you Abelas. Cullen is needed to come with me, you must stay. I will be fine…” He still wasn’t satisfied and I could tell that he was scared for me. I hugged him and whispered reassurance into his ear. He tried to argue again but I pulled away from him and walked over to my horse, then mounted. Looking up at me his face was wrecked with impatience and anxiety. He walked over and put his hand on my thigh as I sat in the saddle. His eyes pleaded with me and he opened his mouth to speak.

“Ir lath ma.” He said quietly.

“We are not saying goodbye, Abelas. I will return to you. I promise.”

 

# CHAPTER XVII

Had it not been for the guardian of Mythal’s altar, the dragon, we would have stood no chance and would have all been killed. Killing the Red Lyrium dragon even after he had been gravely injured was no easy feat. My men were exhausted and many were hurt, but Corypheus was finally dead.

It was over.

 

I had found Solas hunched over the shattered orb. His distress and familiarity with the orb stirred in me curiosity. I wondered what had made him care so much for it. He told me sadly again that he loved me, before my attention was taken away by the shouts from the others. I hurried over to meet them and they all gaped at me with wonder and words of congratulations. I turned to see Solas in the distance. He stood at the top of the stairs leading down to where we stood with a sad look across his face. I knew that he was leaving then.

I turned away and replied to Cassandra’s questions and when I looked back Solas was gone.

 

Later that evening Josephine organized a dinner to celebrate our long awaited victory. Everyone gathered in the main hall to eat, drink, and share exciting stories about the day. Abelas greeted me at the front doors with a sweet hug that I thought he would never relinquish me from.

“Are you going to let me go so that I can speak with the others?” I asked with a little laugh.

“No. Never.” His protective teasing was at least better than his anger. Abelas’ was no longer upset with me for forcing him to stay behind at Skyhold but he had worried about me terribly, as was made example by the hug. In truth, I had forced him to stay behind because I was somewhat convinced that we were all marching toward our deaths, and I couldn’t bare the thought of him dying over his feelings for me.

He let me out of his arms, but didn’t leave my side all evening and I was glad of his company. Solas hadn’t returned and no one had seen him or knew where he went. He would come to find me before he left for good, I was sure he would. It was nice to have Abelas’ presence throughout the evening and I knew that he would be my only comfort in the following weeks where I would have to truly deal with being without Solas. Even after he had ended it, he was still always there for me. I had to remind myself that Abelas had unfailingly been by my side as well, and that I wasn’t truly alone even if it felt like it. For Abelas’ sake I would need to conceal how much my heart was pained, it would be difficult to hide how much I had loved him.

We spent the evening speaking to the others about what their plans were now that the Inquisition had achieved its main goal. I was made most glad to learn that Dorian wasn’t to return to Tevinter. I was too tired to talk about what my plans were, but I knew that I needed to use my new title of land in the Dales to my advantage. I would host a meeting among the Dalish clans soon and have Abelas offer his knowledge to lead us back to the true old ways and not simply what we thought were the old ways. I could offer the Dales as a safe haven for the clans and they would no longer have to wander and travel constantly to find food. We could settle in, raise animals and farm the fertile land like we used to. Magic would be used to serve and mages would be taught the correct ways to avoid possession rather than giving up their rights. It changed a lot to learn from the Avaar that possession could be reversed, and if that didn’t throw out the need for the Chantry’s circles, I don’t know what would. My land could be a new home for not just elves, but anyone who had been oppressed. Of course, I would still have to be loyal to Gaspard and Orlesian law. 

At least until I had an army of my own. 

 

Abelas and I sat around the tables and drank wine with the others until our eyelids drooped. We bid everyone goodnight and together we retired from the main hall. Abelas walked me up to my rooms and I didn’t protest when he didn’t tell me goodnight at the door. I didn’t want him to leave. He knew that I had a long day and that my mind was racing about all of the uncertainty we faced from here on out, so he did not add to the tension by pressuring me with kisses or hugs. He did what Abelas had always done best; he told me little jokes trying so hard to work a smile onto my lips, he watched me make the bed just to pull me on top of it and make me jump with him to childishly celebrate our day, and made me laugh until the stress melted from my body. He blew out the lights in the room, then pulled the covers over me and held me until I fell asleep. 

 

I awoke the next morning before Abelas. I got up to put my robe on and went to open the french doors, like I did every morning to let the crisp mountain air into the room. This morning there was a small envelope and a single bright red rose on the ground in front of the doors. I knew it was from Solas but I was amazed as to how he had placed it there. The balcony was a hundred feet from the ground, and there was no way he had made it through the castle unnoticed, let alone through my rooms. I hurriedly opened the letter expecting it to have details about where and when to meet him.

 

Vhenan,  
It breaks my heart to write this to you.  
Take comfort knowing that no matter where I am,  
I am missing you. I know that this is hard to understand,  
But please try. I promise, one day you will see.  
One day, the world will be at your feet and you will see.  
Until then, live your life as though you had never met me.  
Do not be afraid to love another,  
Nothing could stand a chance at diminishing what we had.  
What we still have.  
I love you,  
Your Husband

 

I read over the note at least thirty times, and each time my eyes lingering desperately on the last words, i love you, your husband. Solas’ words in the garden would echo in my memory forever in their truth. He had half-jokingly wed us, bound us together and I believed him when he said he truly felt he was as my husband, my true love. We would always belong to each other but we would never be able to be together. That was a hard truth that I would spend the rest of my life trying to come to terms with.  
I heard Abelas stir so I folded the letter into the pocket of my robe and wiped the tears from my eyes. He walked up behind me and slid his arms around my waist, kissing the top of my head. “Good morning, lovely.”  
It would take some time for me to familiarize myself with my grief in Solas’ absence, but I could get used to the pleasant distraction that Abelas provided. It seemed like so incredibly long ago that I had walked with him in the fade, and yet it was only a matter of days ago. His slumber that had me so frightened seemed a lifetime away, and I suppose it was. This was a completely different life now, free from Corypheus, and alone with Abelas. It was a chance to attempt to start fresh.  
I promised myself that I would try.

 

# CHAPTER XVIII

Three months had passed since we had defeated Corypheus and the Inquisition was still working hard to piece the land back together. Josephine was working closely with Cassandra and the resources of the Inquisition as Cass settled into her new role as the next divine. Leliana and Cullen with their men were still the best hope of stamping out any threats left in Thedas. Both Ferelden and Orlais relied heavily on the Inquisition to keep peace, so the Inquisition wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon and so neither was the Inquisitor able to. I planned on letting matters fall to Cullen’s authority whilst I was away on other business. He had the coolest head of my advisors and always made well-thought out choices. Not to mention he was still a dear friend to whom I would trust my life.

I had officially been granted my title in the Dales, Duchess of the Dales. As pretentious as the name sounded, I was glad to have the land finally to do with as I pleased. The title came along with a rather grand estate that Abelas and I were travelling to in order to make our arrangements more concrete. We had sent word to all of the Dalish clans to call together the meeting of Arlathven, which was not supposed to convene for another five years but I used my close ties with the clans to make an exception. Changes were coming for the Dalish, and they would be by my hand. I had hired a large team of workers to fix up the estate quickly as we needed to prepare to host them within the next month. Our plans for bringing them together to speak were finally set in place, and most of the keepers seemed enthusiastic about my eagerness to help the people. My only worry was the attention that it might spark from the Empire.

Abelas and I arrived to the vast estate in the Emerald Graves and we spent the next couple days unpacking and ordering renovations to the building and the grounds. I had commissioned an architect as a gift to Abelas. It was meant to be a surprise, but I was having the chateau renovated to look like his family home back in Elvhenan. He had shown it to me a couple times in dreams in the fade and I had made a point to take in the details and layout of the building. I had told him a long time ago that I would rebuild him his childhood home, and I would; just to see him smile.

Since defeating Corypheus I had been feeling unwell and couldn’t eat much. Abelas insisted a chef come with us to make food that I could palate and had sent for a doctor to visit me at our estate as well. The doctor would be arriving in a week or so, hopefully with answers. The chef made excellent food, but I still had a hard time keeping the food down. I kept this from Abelas because he had been trying so hard to make me feel better, I couldn’t stand to make him worry more. He was trying so hard to make sure I was comfortable.

We had both been working hard to help with the renovations and plans for the gathering. Abelas was still unaware of my surprise to him, even as the renovations progressed. He had mentioned after seeing the windows put in place, “I’m so glad that you are including elven touches, Arianne! It looks wonderful.” I had told him that I had finally decided upon a name, Chateau Enansal. It was only fitting as it was my gift to Abelas, and enansal meaning blessing in elven. I was not able to easily express my affection to anyone, and as in this case I usually resorted to gifts or gestures. This bestowal would not only honor him and his past, but the future for our people that we would make possible together. For our future together.

He had been so patient. He knew the effect that he had on me, so he was well aware that he could have charmed me into bed a long time ago, but he hadn’t. Abelas wanted me to tell him when I was ready and I was so thankful for that. As he should be, he was confident in my affections for him and knew our relationship was not threatened by the time that passed by. Time could only bring good things, like the chance to move on from the past and those in it.

I had struggled for a time, and I suppose that I still did, with the fact that Solas had never tried to see me again. He had left a letter on my balcony and knew he could contact me, to arrange a rendezvous. He never did. I often found myself wondering about him and where he had gone. I wondered about what greater good had called him away, and why he refused to let me be by his side. I found myself painfully questioning his loyalty entirely, my thoughts drifting to the idea that maybe he had been involved with Corypheus. It upset my stomach to think about him at all; his voice, his eyes, the way he had kissed me goodbye, his smell…

I had done well to keep myself distracted whenever my mind wandered to him. Abelas was able to tell when I wasn’t present, when my mind left to be off with Solas, wherever we was in the world. He would try to bring me back to him with jokes or compliments or stories about his day. It must have been hard on him, acknowledging that he had to continually win me over until Solas was completely gone from my heart. 

The worst part was I knew he never would be.

 

He tried his best to keep me from throwing myself into hard labor with the renovators. I didn’t like being idle even when I didn’t feel well and I only thought of the deadline that we had to meet to make the grounds look presentable. Knowing that I had been weary and got fatigued easily, Abelas made sure that I would rest often and take breaks to horseback ride with him or to lounge inside out of the sun with a book. One morning before the sun rose too high and hot, we took our horses out to an open valley that had just recently bloomed full of flowers. There was a path that cut down from behind my estate, the manor house sat atop a large hill with gardens that spread across the back in the Orlesian fashion. Vine grew up lattice and there were pleasant little sitting rooms out in the open gardens, each with different statues at the center. The path we followed winded down from the far edge of the gardens to the lower valleys. 

We took our lunch and laid out a blanket to eat in the middle of the field near the river as our horses roamed casually around us gleefully, eating the sweet grass. It was wonderful to sit and talk with him without distraction. He had noticed my sadness in the past couple months and I didn’t have to tell him that it was due to Solas’ absence. He already knew, but he was not upset with me. He was patient and sweet, and he had been giving me time to think without rushing me, leaving kisses on my forehead every now and then but nothing more. I was blessed in his understanding, but then again Abelas had always understood me, and what was best for me.

I had grown to love him, more than I had before. He was my constant companion and my unyielding support, not to mention my reason to laugh even when I was unbearably sad. I was feeling better this day than I had been and my disposition had put him in a good mood as well. After we finished our food he stood up and stripped his shirt off and started to undo his trousers.

“Abelas! What are you doing?” I called out incredulously to him. 

“Swimming!” He said with a smile, then he came and scooped me up into his arms. He carried me to the river and I screamed at him begging, to not dump me in the water lest it be freezing. As he stepped in to the edge of the slow moving river he felt out the temperature cautiously with his bare feet, not wanting it to upset whatever had been ailing me, even though I had been able to keep my food down so far. He was so protective. He deemed the water warm enough and he waded deeper into the current, still holding me in his arms. He trudged us both in deeper until the slow water came up to his elbows and brushed my back. The cool water was divine against my hot skin, it soaked into the fabric of my dress but I didn’t care in the slightest. It was the most free I had felt in a while.

Abelas spun us gently around in circles and dipped my head back to let the water run through my hair. The fabric of my dress flowed with the current and his strong hand held the small of my back as I floated. He pulled my head gently up to him and kissed me as the water dribbled off of my body. Abelas’ kiss was gentle and motivated by affection rather than lust or passion, as many of his kisses had been before. I was no longer worried about his intentions. If he wasn’t serious about caring for me, he could have stayed back at Skyhold or moved into an apartment in Val Royeaux, but he didn’t. He hadn’t left my side once.

He pulled his lips reluctantly away after a while so not to push me. I hadn’t told him yet, but he needn’t worry. I had decided over the last few weeks in the Emerald Graves that I didn’t have to wait anymore. I knew that even though I loved Solas, I knew I always would anyway, but I loved Abelas, too. We could grow old together, something that Solas had made clear to me could never happen with him. 

I could have a chance at a life with Abelas, and that was clearer to me now than ever as I floated on my back in the current of the water as he held me up. His beautiful light eyes couldn’t keep themselves from tracing over my wet dress that hugged tight to my body. He had been so patient with me, and I wanted to reward him for that. 

I stood up in the water and used his arm to steady myself until I reached the edge of the wide river. As I walked up onto the bank, water poured out of the material of my dress and soaked the grass beneath me.  
“Where are you going?” Abelas yelled to me with a chuckle. 

I reached to undo the ties that held the back of my dress together and then slid out of it, leaving it to dry on the grass and leaving my body bare in front of him for the first time. I turned away from him and called over my shoulder, “Wouldn’t you like to find out?” I giggled silently to myself as I watched his eyes fall to the curves of my naked hips. 

He rushed out of the water as it sloshed to the sides in his haste, then he took off at a run to catch up with me. I loved watching him run, he was so graceful and athletic. It was made even better by the fact he was nearly naked. He was so exquisitely toned.  
“Ah! But you can’t follow me until you’ve fully de-clothed…” I told him gesturing towards his shorts. He shook his head dubiously but did as I asked before chasing after me again.

“If you’re to strip me naked I at least insist that you tell me where we’re headed.” he said teasingly. I took off running through the flowers and threw my hands into the air, letting the wind dry my body and flip through my long hair. Abelas ran up behind me and pulled me into his arms, spinning us in a circle.

In response to his question I told him, “Where we’re going is home, Abelas. We’re finally home.” I smiled up at his handsome face and acknowledged the truth in my words. This land used to be his home, and now we were to make it our new home, together. 

“We’re both free now.” 

Our two white horses bounded and played with each other in the distance and I couldn’t help thinking that it was what Abelas and I looked like, frolicing together in the open field, running after one another. So free and careless and beautiful.

“Abelas?” I asked him. He was humming some elven song I hadn’t heard before as he jokingly danced with me cradled in his arms, dipping me and spinning me this way and that.

“Yes, emma lath?”

“I love you.” 

He promptly stopped dancing and sat me down on my feet. He looked at me in disbelief, as though he had never expected me to say that. 

“I love you, too.” the words crossed his lips with a sigh like it was a relief for him to say them. He was still awestruck when I reached up to kiss him, but he melted into me instantly. He gave into me with the passion he had been holding back for so long, running his hands over my body slowly savoring being able to touch me for the first time. I grabbed his hips and pulled them to meet mine. I wanted him to know that I was ready for him to love me completely, in every way. I was ready to give myself to him, and only him.

I grabbed his hand and turned to run with him back to the blanket where we had eaten our picnic earlier. I laid down on my back and waited for him to crawl over me. He bent down slowly, never taking his excited eyes from mine. He had waited for this since he had first arrived to Skyhold, and so had I. 

Abelas had always been an impatient man who would rather take his pleasures the second he wanted them rather than to endure waiting, but for me he had tried so hard. He could have seduced me a number of times, he had the opportunity almost every night he had stayed up in the loft in my chambers, or in Val Royeaux, or when we first arrived at Chateau Enansal. I would have easily given in to him. He knew that he made my knees weak. He knew that he could use a carefully placed touch to send me over the edge, or whisper bold words into my ear to make my body shudder in excitement. 

My excitement rose with each inch he moved closer to me, along with my curiosity about him. 

He had always been able to completely shake me with a single look, his sly smile and hooded eyes full of lust. He would leave me thinking the entire day about the acts he could commit with my body. With one look… As I lay on the picnic blanket, Abelas gliding his lips across my stomach, I couldn’t help but think how far it would send me over the edge now that he could do more than just give me a longing look or a passing touch. My fantasies about him could become reality. On multiple occasions he had almost broken me, I had passed submission and nearly went straight to begging at his feet for him to do with me what he wanted. 

Almost.

He always stopped though, half to tease me and keep me dangling on a string. That was where he liked me, and if I was honest it was where I liked to be, too. At first, our friendship was new and the flirting was only brought on by impetuous fits of lust on both of our parts, but it had grown into something more. In not so many words, he had told me that for a long time he had wanted me to be his in every way but had never pressured me with his physical desires because he respected me enough consider that it wouldn’t have helped me at the time. 

There were so many reasons that he deserved everything that I could give him, the largest being that he had stood by me through all of this. He was always the one by my side. It was also worth considering how alike we were, it was the perfect balance of dispositions so as to cancel out the bad and double the good. 

He had made me happy.

Being with him in this moment, having him near, made me happy.

Abelas placed kisses on every spot he could, all over my body, as though it was sacred. To him, it was.

I pulled him up so that his lips would meet mine. He breathed in my kiss eagerly and relentlessly, but I stopped him for only a moment before the kiss drove us beyond consciousness and into unthinking passion. I placed a finger to his lips so that he could pause. 

“Abelas… I want you to mark me. Place your spell again, if you would.”

“Are you sure?” he said surprised again by my confession. 

I told him that I was. “I want to be yours. I need to be yours.”

Abelas smiled at me as though I had made him the happiest man in the world. He did as he had that night on the balcony, but it was different this time. This was not a one-sided desperate attempt by him to try to protect me. Neither of us were any longer confused by our fleeting emotions. This was me giving myself willingly and entirely to him. Solas had told me once that the spell was the elven equivalent of marriage, which was why he was so upset Abelas had done it out of nowhere and without speaking to me about it. Solas thought that he had done it to lay his claim on me out of jealousy or simply impetuosity, an attempt to control me by magic since my affections laid elsewhere. But Solas had been wrong. Abelas had marked me because he had loved me from the beginning.

 

Caresses from his lips sent chills over my body and he touched his forehead to mine again. He spoke the familiar elven words in a low soft chant, saying them over and over while his hands felt their way over my body. The same little runes of static covered my skin and left ripples of energy popping and tickling me lightly. His right hand moved down to my hips and gripped me, angling my hips towards him. As he slowly pushed into me, we both exhaled in pleasure. The orb of light again surrounded our bodies and bathed our skin in its colour, but was a light yellow and not blue as it had been on the balcony in Val Royeaux. Abelas stopped his chanting and the spell was almost complete, but the light did not fade. He pulled back to kiss me again, still rocking me gently back and forth. 

If kissing were an art, then he wove masterpieces that Orlesian nobles would surely pay millions for. The most beautiful paintings were forged using nothing but his tongue and perfect lips. The soft yellow light still encircled us and I could feel a magical energy rising in the air, the tension was bound tighter with each gentle thrust. His arm tightened around the back of my neck and the pressure of him made me twist my hands into the blanket beneath us.  
“I love you Arianne, I love you so much.” Abelas whispered into my ear with his breath caught in his throat, fighting back the sounds of satisfaction that might break from his lips. I however, was unable to conceal my voice as the exquisite pleasure soon grew to be intolerable. The sound of my euphoria echoed through the open valley.

My body broke, and I could feel Abelas tremble in response before his pleasure came to a crest with mine. We both clung to each other tightly as the waves of exhilaration crashed over us and then calmed. The light around us faded away and Abelas rolled over onto his side, breathing heavily as collapsed next to me. We laid there for a while allowing our breath to catch up with us and our bodies to relax. I had to giggle at Abelas as he was unable to go without another kiss for more than a minute. He couldn’t look away from me and I couldn’t bare it if he had. 

I was finally his, and he was finally mine.

 

# CHAPTER XIX

A few of the Dalish clans had started to arrive with the congregation being only a week away. They were all camping with their aravels in the lower hunting grounds of my estate and were close enough to make communication easy but far enough to allow for some privacy. The manor house renovations were nearly complete and I had sent Abelas to Val Royeaux with Josephine to shop for decor and food for the gathering. Josie knew that I wanted the grand reveal of the estate to be a surprise to Abelas and she had promised to keep him busy with little tasks in the city for at least two weeks. Or rather she would try, seeing how stubborn Abelas was about leaving me alone since I hadn’t been feeling well. They were expected to return two days before the congregation.  
The doctor had come to check on me a week previous and had advised me to stay out of the sun and to not strain myself in the slightest, much to my disdain as I had been trying to finish the project before their return. Luck had been on my side and the men had done an exquisite job with the grounds. Everything was in place, and the renovations were finished barely in time for the unsuspecting master of the estate to return to see them completed. 

Just before dusk I heard the beating of hooves in the distance and I went out into the front gardens to await their arrival. Even with the sun almost down, the summer heat was still thick in the humid air. Abelas and I were both used to the cool mountain air of Skyhold and we had difficulty adjusting to the humidity most of all, though I had become quite used to the delightful way my hair curled. Abelas seemed to be pleased too, as he couldn’t keep his hands from toying with it, and wrapping the curls around his fingers. I had spent much time in the Emerald Graves before but we had stayed in tents on bare cots, not grand estates with lush bed linens for the humidity to noticeably soak into. On our campaign here, we all cared little about what we looked like. I had kept my hair in a tight braid and we bathed when we could. Our days had been filled with bloody sweaty fights and refugee rescues, not picnics, swimming, grand salons, or marble statues. 

I was left breathless walking around the estate, taking in every beautiful curve of the delicate windows, and the elven arches that towered before the large indigo doors. The painters had finished applying the gold accents to the exterior, and the glittering way the setting sun reflected from the chateau made my anticipation for him to see it rise even higher. It was the perfect time for him to return home to me, and to see his gift.

Abelas stepped out of the carriage blindfolded, just as I had asked Josie to do. I was surprised to see that she had actually been successful, knowing how difficult and strong-willed Abelas could be. He was never very fond of surprises, and probably even less fond of blindfolds. Josie held his arm to guide him over to me, the both of them laughing and smiling in anticipation.

“You were right, he wouldn’t agree to the blindfold until I told him that it was by your orders.” Josie laughed about the undoubtedly funny conversation the two of them had on the carriage ride. “He was so persistent but I didn’t break!” She said, giving me a one armed hug and then guiding Abelas’ arm to rest on mine. The second he felt that it was me, he pulled me tightly into a loving embrace. 

Josephine bid us goodnight and then guided the carriages around to the back to unload the spoils from Val Royeaux, leaving us alone. It was a quiet night and the sunset had just started to break into beautiful colors across the skyline. Abelas whispered sweetly into my ear about how much he missed me, forgetting entirely that he was blindfolded and had been impatiently demanding to be shown his surprise just seconds before. 

“Emma lath, would you like to see your surprise now?” I told him, unable to hold in a giggle about his disgruntled expression as I pulled away from his clutch. 

“I think I should rather show you my surprise first.” He told me with determination in his voice. I didn’t bother stopping him as he pulled the silk blindfold off. It flipped through his long hair leaving it tousled and rugged looking. I couldn’t look away from him. I had spent hours looking at his golden eyes and yet they still caught me so terribly off guard. He smiled at me with excitement lighting up his face. Reaching to put the blindfold in his pocket, he pulled out a small cloth bag and held it tightly in his hand. “Arianne, I love you…”

“And I love you, Abelas.” I told him somewhat confused by his countenance but he didn’t look away from my eyes and I couldn’t bare separation from his. 

He smiled like a fool, and looked down at the ground with a small nervous laugh as though he was either embarrassed or remembering a joke from earlier. It was adorable to see him so flustered when he usually was so sure of himself, haughty and calmly confident. He fidgeted with the small bag’s contents but then hid it in his fist.

Abelas grabbed my hand and bent down onto one knee. He looked up at me, captivated by me and the moment. “Arianne Levellan… I’ll admit I don’t really know what I’m doing. This is primarily a modern notion, in my time we had others ways of…” He took a deep breath trying to redirect his thoughts and find the words he wanted. “Look, I want you to know what you mean to me, but it truly will take a lifetime to show you. I want to spend every day of my life doing nothing but loving you. I don’t know if the Dalish have the same traditions as the rest of Thedas, but… I was hoping you would consider becoming my wife.” He pulled a brilliant emerald ring from the bag, keeping his eyes down and anxiously twisted it between his index finger and thumb.

I stood there in awe of his proposal. He was so nervous and sweet! Josephine had no doubt helped him pick out the ring and I was sure she had also eagerly responded to his questions about the modern grand gesture. Even though the Thedian idea of a marriage proposal was unfamiliar to him, Abelas had gone out of his way to display his affection and intentions to me. 

“Vhenan, I do not have to consider it for very long.” I told him enthusiastically. I had a while ago surrendered myself to the possibility of a life with him.

“Is that a yes, then?” Abelas asked with such hope in his eyes.

“Yes, emma lath. Of course I will marry you.” The second I said the words, he lurched forward to wrap me in his arms. He kissed the top of my head sweetly but then I felt his body go rigged. 

I pulled away to see that his eyes had finally fallen on the chateau for the first time since taking off the blindfold. I was so overwhelmed by his surprise that I had completely forgotten about mine. I searched his face trying to place his emotions but was unable to. I was about to ask him what his thoughts were before he spoke.

“It is… exactly like my childhood home…” He was breathless and aghast at the sight of the estate. His eyes traced the grand entryway, then over the stained glass windows, and the elven statues that lined the front gardens. “The doors, the windows, even the colour…” The exterior was a beautiful painted ivory, set off by dark indigo blue for the doors and gold filigree accenting the windows.

“There’s also a private room on the roof that’s just for you, to remind you of the times you hid from your governess. Now you can just hide from me up there when I’m in one of my moods.” I said jokingly. I had told myself that I wouldn’t tell him that bad joke but I did anyway. He laughed, at least out of compassion. 

He turned to look me in the eyes, his face displaying his disbelief. “You did this for me?” 

“Who else would this be for?” I said with a laugh. “I told you a long time ago that I would build this house for you, and you told me that I could under one condition, that I live there with you.”

“But this is your chateau… your estate…”

“No, it is ours.” 

I could see Abelas’ thoughts going over my words. He shook his head and smiled widely. When I asked why he was so astonished by my gesture he took my hands in his. “This took months of planning. You had this arranged before we ever even left Skyhold…” I nodded to confirm that his guess was true, I had planned this ever since I knew I would be receiving the land. “And this estate is a symbol of everything you’ve worked for, the fruit of your success, and yet you would rather it be a gift for me? This entire time you’ve known that you wanted this, wanted me… I’m sorry, I’m just so incredibly happy. Thank you.”

Abelas slid the gorgeous bright emerald ring onto my finger and I pulled my hand up to my face to examine it closer. He had to have had it handmade, as an intricate elven design was carved into the gold and swirled around the sides of the stone, interlaid with small yellow diamonds. It was the perfect ring for me.

Not saying another word, he pulled me into a consuming kiss and he didn’t let me out of his arms the rest of the night. We walked around examining the final touches that had been put on the house, each one awe-inspiring and sentimental to him. I was overjoyed to see the happiness reflecting from his eyes. The estate was abuzz with so many people, advisors and event planners that I had hired, and the remaining workers continued to apply paint and decorate the interior. Abelas and I wanted nothing more than to be alone with each other, so I arranged to have dinner brought to us in our chambers. The master apartments were separate from the rest of the chateau and were much quieter. 

We laid in bed eating, laughing and telling stories. Abelas told me of his time in Val Royeaux with Josie, and I told him that I was basically just bored without him here. 

“It’s unbearable, and I would see to it that I never have to leave your side again, ma vhenan.” Abelas said with that sweet playfulness that I loved so well. 

I had no doubt that the two of us would not have left our bed for a week if it weren’t for the pressing amount of time left before the assemblage with the elves. We slept little since our night was consumed by conversation and other indulgences, but we awoke early to prepare for the day. Arlathvhen was generally called to discuss political matters, but if all went well, I would be changing the course of nations and the future of my people forever. I prayed that I was ready for it, that Thedas was ready for it.

 

# CHAPTER XX

Throngs of elves poured into the grounds of Chateau Enansal from every clan imaginable. Most of them had already been camped out in the valley for a couple days, and I made it clear that my hospitality would be extended to them for as long as they needed. Some of the clans were represented by a chosen few whilst the other clans that were small enough arrived with everyone. Josephine had organized for them to be welcomed at the front gates by gentlemen who would record their clan name and then give them instructions on the plan for the evening. She stressed that if we were to be successful, every clan’s Keeper would need to feel involved and know that they had a voice. I was so lucky to have her help.

The guests trickled in through the front doors of the chateau leading into the grand salon where we held the reception. It was a large and lush sitting room where they could mingle and grab appetizers and drinks, before being welcomed into the gardens behind the estate. I was pleased to see an unexpected display of reverence towards Abelas by the Dalish. They seemed truly interested in his opinions and experience. They greeted me as though I were an old friend since I had been communicating regularly with most of them. My elated confidence in our success rose as we shuffled through the doors that led out to the gardens. I overheard impressed comments on the chateau, unsurprisingly because most of the Dalish had lived on the move their entire lives and never wandered close to human cities or to human estates such as this. Seeing this palace with their own eyes, gilded walls, lavish paintings and all, they must of been in shock of awe. Seeing the Orlesian palaces had been awe-inspiring to me after joining the Inquisition and leaving my clan. I could relate with their fascinated wonder.

I had wanted this meeting to be a display of power, a display of wealth, and not just any kind of wealth but elven wealth. The thought that one of the people could rise to these heights in a time so controlled by human indifference was beyond imagining. The Dalish needed to feel as though they would be safe in this land and I needed to display that I could provide that protection as well as a stability that they were not accustomed to.

Josie and I had carefully planned out the seating chart, knowing that some clans were fonder of some than others. The last thing we needed was a war to break out between the clans. They all took their seats in the lantern-lit garden. The sun would not yet go down for another hour but the dim light set the perfect scene. Beautiful bouquets of flowers were draped everywhere, and candles glimmered on the table tops. While dinner was served to them, Abelas and I moved to the forefront of the crowd to begin speaking.

 

Most of the clans gathered were open to the idea of being united under a sovereign for protection, some of them opposed the idea believing that they would be losing freedoms. I explained that they could continue life as it had been without forfeiting any of the customs unique to their own clan. The Dales were large enough for the clans to spread out across Dirthaveren and across the Graves. They could continue life with nothing changing except they would have protection under my arms, and a steady supply of food they could trust. 

For a time they would isolate themselves to their own people, but as trade grew and farmers settled in, villages would form. Having trade and the protection of a united army, trained as the Sentinels had been as Abelas would see to, would only benefit the people allowing them to grow and flourish. They would no longer have to live in fear of bandit raids, or brutal hate-fueled murders at the hands of the shemlen.

We spoke for many hours, with back and forth banter about the particular details of how we would come to creating such a state, and what actions would need to be taken in order for us to sustain this state after it was achieved. Abelas entertained the idea of having the Keepers of each clan participate in any larger decisions as a board of representatives. They would never be left out of discussions or law making. 

Our first step would be to gain the support of the clans, and from there I could move towards gaining independence from Orlais. Briala had already pledged to me her support as long as trade was maintained. With her power behind the Imperial throne it would not be hard to break from the Emperor. I remained the Inquisitor and our forces were still as impressive as ever. Gaspard would be a fool to challenge me, and yet Gaspard was quite the overconfident fool.

 

A week later after the convening of the clans, Abelas and I returned to the chateau after a hunt to find the horses of guests we were not expecting tied outside of the stables. The servants had welcomed the men into the salon while they waited for us to return. The two of us walked into the salon expecting to greet another noble who had come to see the chateau or friends from Skyhold, but our guests were neither. 

I had never seen Gaspard without his courtly mask but I recognized him the second he spoke. He stood as we walked into the room to greet us coldly. “Inquisitor Levellan, Duchess of the Dales, Mistress to…?” He asked pointedly at Abelas in a snide tone.

“Actually, we are engaged to be married. You can save your congratulations for later, Gaspard.” I waited for the shock to dissipate from his face before continuing, “What is it you want?”

“For a time, I had thought that the two of us were the same, Arianne. There was a steadfastness, a boldness I saw in you that, as with myself, could not be distracted by… sentimentalities.” he said with a proud sneer.

“I should think you would gladly welcome any distractions from my steadfastness.” My words came out bold and I meant them to. Gaspard was as usual, taken aback by my ability to take the control of the conversation away from him.

“And why is that, pray-tell?” 

“I do love when you play coy with me. As sure as I am that you have missed my company terribly, I do not believe that you are here to catch up over tea and petit-fours.” I was not threatened by Gaspard and his men who stood behind their Emperor as if ready for a fight. I looked him in the eyes unblinkingly.

“No, I should rather like to discuss why hundreds of Dalish elves travelled to your estate over the course of the last two weeks.” Gaspard demanded.

“Family Reunion.” I said dryly.

“I do not appreciate your jokes. You are trying to grab power before the Inquisition is dissolved… along with any influence you have with it, because without your armies you have nothing. You cannot provide alienage for these elves, I and only I have the power to do that.” The vein on Gaspard’s forehead started to pop as his voice rose in frustration. 

“The agreement was that I could use this land as I saw fit. Most of these people have never felt the comfort of calling a place ‘home’, now you might proceed to ask what I might know about having a home, growing up Dalish and all. And I would agree with you. I never did have a home, not until the Inquisition… but this isn’t about me. This is about giving my people a life where city elves aren’t forced to walk home worried that a shem might take a knife to them. Or the clans living in fear that they might be wiped out by the next bandit raid.” I didn’t mean to yell as loud as I did and Abelas placed his arm in the small of my back as attempt to stifle my outrage with the small comfort he could provide.

Gaspard had at the ball in Halamshiral seemed so unwavering and confident but as he stood in front of me he looked more defeated and meek. He was afraid of me, and he should be. Gaspard was aware of my power, and he knew that I would not need the help of an army to flatten him or any reinforcements he could send. It was as much of a mystery to me as it was to the rest of Thedas as to how my magic had grown far beyond what is normal for a mage. Rumors had quickly spread after I killed Corypheus, none of them more farfetched than the actual truth. I had obliterated a man claiming to be a god with a single spell. He had been weakened by that point, but I still did not expect that I would be able to wipe out him and countless Venatori with the wave of my arms. The crater that was left after the impact of my spell made me wonder how I hadn’t collapsed the entire structure. I had seen the surprise on Solas’ face and I knew then that there was more behind this than lyrium potions or practice.

The Emperor’s face gave away his ill-concealed apprehension and it was made clear to me that he came to talk rather than to fight about my intentions. He spoke in a much calmer tone, “What do your people need… protection? Weapons? I can provide both for them if that is your wish, Lady Levellan.”

“I can provide for them the protection that they require. What they need is refuge.”

Abelas, Gaspard and I discussed allowing the elves welcome to the Dales and it was a good place to start. The moment that Gaspard interfered, I would then have cause to gain independence. It would all be left to chance but I held a better hand of cards than Gaspard did.

 

After Gaspard and his men left, Abelas and I were finally awarded some time with the chateau entirely to ourselves. It wouldn’t last long, however. Word of our engagement had spread like wildfire throughout Orlais and Ferelden. 

After I had first received the title of Duchess, letters had poured in from different noble families wishing to cement an alliance with me through marriage. Many would see my marriage to Abelas as a waste of opportunity, as most nobles married for alliance and then kept a mistress or male paramour on the side. I however, was not Orlesian. Some people would be thrilled about our engagement, as both of us had garnered celebrity in Orlais. 

My romantic affairs had for some time been the hot topic to discuss among the Orlesians and it was no different now. Visitors had begun to pour in from all over Thedas bringing gifts of congratulations, and no doubt to see the gossiped-about Elven Chateau. It was a pity that the nobles didn’t have anything else to preoccupy their time. Abelas and I were both tiring of being treated like the exotic caged birds the Orlesian society saw us as.

Among the variety of visitors, some were much more welcome. Sera, Bull and Varric stayed with us for a week or so enjoying our hospitality and our wine. Dorian had come after the congregation and didn’t intend to leave anytime soon. I was made glad of his company and so was Abelas. Conversation at dinner was never boring with him around, and he had gone from a true friend to being something closer to family. I had allowed him a personal decorator and private apartments on the side of the chateau opposite ours. He was beyond happy to be staying in an environment that he was more accustomed to rather than Skyhold’s crowded quarters. As always, Dorian seemed content to wander around doing his own thing.

I was very happy that Cole had arrived with Dorian, I had worried about him in the time that we had been apart. The amulet Solas had found for him would keep him from being twisted against his purpose but he still needed someone to look after him. He was innocence itself and he trusted so easily, I felt safer having him in my care. We spent most of our time in the garden tending to the healing herbs that I would dry and then send back to Skyhold. Cole’s very existence was a focus on helping others so it was a good task for him.

On a early morning the two of us were sitting out in the gardens, I was eating breakfast and Cole was working on a small fence to keep the slugs out of the plants. “I know you worry for me, but you shouldn’t. You have helped me.” He had heard my concerned thoughts and responded to them. “You are you know? Like a mother, that is. I am not sure what it’s like to have a mother, just as you do not know… but I think you are how a mother should be.” My heart nearly ceased at his sweet words to me.

“Thank you, Cole.” I told him holding back happy tears that had welled in my eyes. 

 

To my surprise, Cullen arrived alone to offer his congratulations. He had kept busy with matters regarding the Inquisition and the two of us had stayed in constant contact discussing such matters, but I regardless did not expect that he would want to pay me and my new fiance a visit. We had remained close friends but I could sense that the feelings he had for me yet lingered. 

He was most kind and cordial to Abelas at dinner and I encouraged him to stay for a couple days to rest before returning to Skyhold. He never had been good at taking breaks from his work and he most undoubtedly needed a vacation. There was nothing of extreme import for him to attend to back at the castle so he agreed to stay if only for a day or two. 

Cullen had done little else but answer correspondence from Skyhold, so I forced him to go with Abelas to the hunting grounds. Manly bonding and sticking animals with arrows always seemed to relieve a gentleman’s stress levels, and he did come back looking more refreshed. I wanted him to get to know Abelas more as well. The two of them could easily become fast friends and I would need the two men to trust each other, as I planned to ask Cullen to return to Chateau Enansal as my commanding general. 

Upon their return I asked Cullen to take a turn about the garden with me. It was late afternoon and the air had begun to finally cool. The two of us casually strolled through the tall lattice vines and Cullen commented lightly on his thoughts about the exquisite estate. “I should much prefer this to the Winter Palace, it is more comfortable, serene, not so pretentious and flippant. The two of you will have a good life here, I am sure of it.” He was trying to reassure me that I needn’t worry about his feelings. Cullen knew that while we were not good together, I still cared for him and did not want to cause him pain from my own happiness. It was the reason I had been hesitant about inviting him to the chateau. Even though much time had passed I worried that the wounds to our friendship would still be too fresh, but in this moment I needed his friendship more than anything else.

“Cullen… I wanted to talk to you for a couple reasons. The first being that I will need your support in the coming months against Gaspard, and the second…” I paused unsure if I should be confiding in him.

“What’s upset you, Arianne, dear?” Cullen pressed me for an answer.

“You are my oldest friend in the Inquisition and I trust you. I… I should rather think that I have good news but it is also a little frightening to me…” I couldn’t continue regardless of the encouraging and compassionate look in Cullen’s eyes. 

He reassured me, told me that I could tell him anything and that he would help in any way that he could. “Sometimes the best things in life scare us a little. Change is always frightening.” His advice was exactly what I needed.

I walked a little further down to the edge of the gardens overlooking the grand canal of water. The delicate water lilies floated atop the crests of the water as the wind gently pushed them along. I stopped to sit at a stone bench as my vision had started to blur with nausea. Cullen came to sit beside me with an anxious expression, no doubt noticing that I wasn’t feeling well. I forced myself to look him in the eyes. 

“I am so incredibly happy. I have everything I could desire… and I could never resent it, but something threatens to tear the life I want away from me. I believe that Abelas will be understanding but I risk everything. I do not mean to burden you… you simply know what I have struggled with, more than most. I have tossed my heart back and forth trying to find consolation for its breaking. You know that I was hurt and impulsive and tried to move on when I should have just healed. Then in the Frostbacks… Solas and I…” I took a deep breath and tried to stop the word-vomit that was coming from my mouth. “Cullen, the timing can only mean that it was long before Abelas and I were first together.”

“Speak plainly, Arianne. What is it?” He asked with worry furrowing his brow.

“I am with child, Cullen.” The implications of my words hit him without him having to even ask.

 

# CHAPTER XXI

I had been having recurring dreams that woke me up violently in the middle of the night. Mythal’s voice would echo through my head as a warning, the dread wolf will come for you, he will come... 

Abelas had been sleeping in a room down the hall from me to avoid being woken up by my thrashing and yells. It had been hard on the both of us. I woke up the entire palace screaming from my dreams and I was unable to stop it, unable to understand why I kept having the dream. It was so real, as though I were walking in the fade and as though it wasn’t a dream at all. I fought it with all my strength but it seemed like I was being controlled. It was as though something from the fade wanted to speak to me, something malignant, evil.

For a time I was able to resist, the outline of the figure was all that I could see but I felt his pull on my dreams. It took all of my power to keep my mind under my own control and I worried that some malevolent force from the fade wished to possess me. One night I was unable to fight it.

In the dream I ran from the figure down the the halls of the palace, fearing that if it caught me I would be finished. The figure’s power grew stronger and I could feel the dream becoming more real. I was dreaming in the fade and whoever or whatever the figure was, it held me there not allowing me to wake up.

“Da’len it is foolish for you to be afraid, to fight back. I mean you no harm.” The figure spoke to me with his voice echoing through the halls. It was so familiar, but distorted. I rounded the corner heading out into the main sitting room and was stopped by his body blocking the way in front of me. I looked at him terrified of what I would see, but I saw nothing. His face was shrouded in darkness and shadow.

“Who are you? I demand you desist in this!” I yelled at the figure slowly backing away from him, afraid to move too fast.

He slowly followed me and as he moved into the light his face was made visible to me. I gasped in terror at what I saw. 

“What trickery is this? Who are you?” I demanded of the man, my eyes wildly tracing over his long dark dreaded hair and the wolf’s jawbone he wore as a crown. 

His features were so familiar, so deliciously similar to someone better left forgotten.

“You know who I am, do not play coy with me child.”

I took a breath, unsure of my answer. He teasingly tilted his head to the side begging me to say the words. “You’re the Dread Wolf aren’t you?” I asked defiantly.

“Wonderful. Well done! I have always prefered Fen’harel, but no matter…” His blue eyes sparkled mischievously. Mythal had warned me before her voice went silent that he would come for me, the trickster, the devourer of our precious Gods. He did indeed have tricks, he wanted me to know that he could get to me and he undoubtedly did know how. It had to be a spell. He must have stolen those eyes from one of my precious memories. A memory held close to my heart; all these years, yearning desperately that I would not forget their color. Lest I forget, as unbearable as it would be, the way that they had shined when he smiled, or the way they changed when they looked at me.

The Dread Wolf walked closer to me, forcing me to back until I hit the bookshelf behind me. He must have seen the fear in my eyes and he responded with a pleased smirk, a horrible, evil smile. The lips that were so familiar curved into an unrecognizable sinister shape. Fen’harel reached out an elegant hand and pushed the hair from my face to set it behind my ears. His hands rested below my chin and tipped my head back, his eyes pouring hungrily over my face. 

“Tell me, Levellan, how has noone noticed your unchanging features. You have not aged a day even after all these years.” His low voice sent vibrations through the entire house, resounding in a distorted melody around me. 

“I suppose that the credit is due to my elven heritage.” I spat at him dryly.

He let my chin fall from his hands as he jerked away from me. “Ah, yes. It is no doubt due to your heritage. Yet, your dear Abelas has most obviously felt the unrelenting pull of time. His hair grays and his body weakens, and still you are here before me the picture of youth.”

“I don’t know what you want, but you need to go. Now.”

“So demanding…” He said sharply before pulling me briskly to him. His arms were so tight around me that I couldn’t budge. Something in my mind altered me so that I did not want to move away and I basked in the oddly familiar scene. He was messing with my head, his rough touch was exactly the same as another’s and it made my knees go weak. 

With one hand tangled in my hair at the back of my head he again examined the features of my face. For a brief moment I thought I saw a twinge of pain glaze over his eyes, those familiar eyes that wore guilt and heartbreak the same way, but he blinked it away quickly. His brow was different from the one who he was trying to make me remember, and his face was without the lines of age. This Dread Wolf was nothing like my Solas, who was gentle and kind, even if their appetites for desire were identical. The gentle way he held me with his fingers in my curls, and the spot on my hips where he placed his hands ignited in me an old hunger. Fen’harel saw in my eyes the way in which he was affecting me, and his lip snarled into an arrogant smirk. I shook the unseemly thoughts from my mind focused on whose arms I truly was being held by. His tricks would not affect me regardless of whatever spell he had cast to make him look like the one dearest to my heart.

Yet I still was not fighting back. I searched my thoughts for a reason why I didn’t pull away, or why I wasn’t afraid of him. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe I could fight him or get away, regardless of how much power I had. He was a god, a god who could kill me with a look and even so I still felt curiously safe in his arms. The dreams had tormented me for so long as he tried to reach me, but I didn’t understand why he had been so persistent. What reason would the Dread Wolf have to want to speak to me? I had thought at first that he would want to seek vengeance against Mythal by killing her coveted champion, but the longer he held me close I saw something very different. He was fueled by curiosity and desire, and I for the same reasons found myself unable to look away from him. The Dread Wolf pulled me in tighter to him, feeling my body against his.

A shock went through my hips as I felt the curves of him against me and Fen’harel gasped as I tried to jerk myself away. “My little spitfire, my vixen. You pretend as though you do not want my touch. You pretend that I cannot hear your heart beat faster or feel the heat in you rise. I can smell your desires.” His arms fell to my sides, letting me leave if I wanted to but I did not move. I felt drawn to him as though by magic but he had cast no spell to keep me close. I looked deep into his eyes searching for an answer, searching for what emotions were driving him to do this, if he could feel emotion at all. 

I was paralyzed by him, horribly and relentlessly intrigued. My mind raced with shameful thoughts, wanting, needing his hands back on my body. I stood there fighting my own mind, pushing back against the persistent burn of curiosity.

I looked deep into his eyes hoping that they would give away his thoughts as Solas’ eyes always had. His face was unchanging, as though he was trying to conceal whatever motives he was hiding. I was close enough to him to feel his soft exhale on my face, and I couldn’t help but stare at his lips. They were remarkably like Solas’, full and sweet. I didn’t know if it was his trickery, if he had cast a spell to make him look like Solas, or if it was by chance that he possessed a natural odd resemblance to him. Regardless, I knew it was for that very reason that he charmed me so. I had hoped that my love for Solas would with time dull so that it could allow me to live my life with Abelas without my thoughts on another man, without worrying about where he was, or when I would see him again as he had promised. For every day in the last 19 years that had past, I had only grown to love Solas more, not less, for the man he was. I was cursed with it, as though my very existence depended on my love for him.

I was brought back into the present as the Dread Wolf cocked his head to the side and shook it as though he were overwhelmed by something in his thoughts. The same way that I had seen Solas shake his head over and over. He saw the surprise reflect in my countenance and before I could speak, his mouth was on mine, silencing me. 

He wrapped his arms tightly around my hips, pulling me upward into his intense kiss. Fen’harel parted my lips with his tongue and I broke under the pressure. I gave into him and pushed back just as hard, kissing him as though I was ravaged by unthinking lust. What strange control did he have over me? I felt a pang of guilt as I remembered who he was. 

He was a deceitful god who was no doubt luring me into a trap. I told myself to push him away but I couldn’t. I was again overcome by him, I ached for him. I shoved him backward into the wall and as he slammed into it I felt his body meet mine. I savored how his chest and hips felt against mine, but withheld from kissing him again. I held my head back and ran my eyes over every beautiful feature. He was handsome with dark skin and hair, but with those haunting, fair blue eyes. His jawbone was strongly defined, chiseled, and perfect. He was everything I expected a God to be.

Even his body was similar to Solas, it was younger, tanner and broader with muscle, but still the same. His hands pulled at the fabric of my dress, urging me to continue. He begged me for my kiss with his eyes and I held my lips inches from his. I felt so empowered at the sight and feel of him wanting me, a God wanting me. Both of our chests rose and fell with excited breaths. Fen’harel moved his mouth to my neck leaving kisses and bites that made chills dance across my skin.

He continued to play with my neck and moved his mouth to my shoulder, pushing the strap of my nightgown away. I attempted to speak with a steady voice, knowing that any control I had over myself might very well be lost by the next brush of his lips. “What do you get, Dread Wolf, from seducing me so?”

“The finest pleasures the physical world has to offer, of course…” he breathed the words into my ear and I shuddered as images flitted through my head of the two of us, images of Fen’harel doing things that he should not be with a servant of Mythal. He was so bold and daring, in the same way that Solas used to be. In the same way that Abelas used to be. At the thought of my husband I turned away, needing to distance myself from the dreaded wolf. He did not follow me as I had expected him to, not at first. I stared at the bookshelf that he had pushed me into earlier, the books were displaced and messy from the impact. My head was reeling with the realization that I had just betrayed my husband, for the sole reason that my feelings for Solas had gotten the better of me. I looked down the hall in the direction that I had run from, the direction in which Abelas’ room was. Even though we were only in a dream and in the fade, I couldn’t help but feel Abelas’ presence down the hall, and the guilt that came with it.  
I tried to console myself with the fleeting thought that this had all been a trick, but I knew I was lying to myself. I knew damn well that I shouldn’t have allowed my passion to overcome me, and yet I did nothing to stop it. This was not just about lust. This was about getting one last glimpse at the past, getting one last taste of what Solas and I had together even if it wasn’t truly him, and I knew why I needed it so badly.

Because I still before anyone else, felt that I belonged to Solas.

 

Fen’harel waited for me to turn back to look him in the eyes and once I did he walked towards me slowly. 

He pressed a single soft kiss to my mouth. “I am sorry if I have shaken you, it was not my intention.” Those blue eyes bore into mine with such intensity that I couldn’t look away. “The two of us are more similar than you might think, Arianne.” Fen’harel kissed me once more. His lips brushed against mine, lingering as if he couldn’t bear to pull away. He let out an exhausted sigh and then turned away from me so that I couldn’t see the look of despair covering his handsome face. 

“You deserve a god.” He said softly with his head down.

At his last words, the dream started to become unstable. The room around us began to shake and warp, like it was being pulled from the center into a hole of blackness. Fen’harel gave me a final longing look. With sadness spilling over his features he looked even more like Solas than before. Then he, too, faded into the blackness.

I awoke in my bed in the pitch black of the night but this time I did not scream.

 

# CHAPTER XXII

### Solas

It was my first time back to the Emerald Graves in about 20 years and I was astonished by how much had changed. There were crowds of Dalish camps all along the riverbanks and the open valleys where the sun peaked through had been cultivated into lush farmland. More distinct roads had been worn down from the constant travel created by trade, and little market hubs had sprung up selling supplies along the main passages. A new country had been birthed since the last I was here. I had hoped that Arianne had also been successful in correcting the Dalish on their misfortunate interpretation of what the old ways should be, as had been her dream.

My heart was beating quickly at the thought of seeing her again, my beautiful Ari. On this evening she was hosting a ball at her estate to celebrate their second decade of independence from Orlais. I didn’t have an invitation but I figured I would find a way in one way or another. To be sure, nothing would stop me from seeing her. 

It was a gorgeous palace, I had seen the dimly lit inside of it in our dream together some months ago, but the outside stole my breath from me. It was like something straight from Arlathan, and the fact that she had built it just so made me fall in love with her even more, if it was at all possible. 

Large crowds of people were gathered on the grass in front of the palace, and I figured that I would duck-in, shrouded by the mass of bodies. I was pleased to see that many masked Orlesians did also attend, who I assumed Arianne had charmed into an alliance. The separation of the two nations was most likely amiable with Briala behind the emperor. It was most fortunate, as my choice of attire was an Orlesian masquerade mask, and a gold and ivory ensemble with a hood. 

I was now as my true self, my true form as Fen’harel. My long dark hair would be covered by the hood, but Ari would eventually recognize my eyes even from behind the mask. I wanted her to realize that it was who she knew me as, as Solas. I did not want to frighten her right away by revealing to her my true identity too quickly. I had only this one chance.

I made my way into the palace with the others and I anxiously scanned the room for her. There was no one I knew, but I was surprised how easily the many elves conversed with the humans. So much had changed, and it was all because of her. I moved onto the next room when I didn’t find Arianne, I was impatient to see her again. The dream had made it worse. I had gone so long simply ignoring the pain and resigned myself to solitude after I heard about the life she had made for herself. I was fully aware that I could have come for her sooner, but I had no intentions of ruining what she had built. But it was time now. 

I headed towards the grand ballroom as quickly as I could behind the masses of people shuffling at a leisurely pace. Arianne had done well designing her palace. As a head of state especially for a new nation it would need to make a statement, and it did. Even the halls glistened with portraits of the queen and her king, looking down lovingly on their flock. I could also see how enemies visiting the estate would be slightly intimidated.

I made my way past the throngs of people, drinks in hand, and did my best not to outright push them out of my way. I was no longer used to being around this many people. The gilded ballroom was full of beautiful gowns, graceful dancers, and food. It made me think of Halamshiral and dancing with the Inquisitor quietly outside on the balcony. The both of us had wanted to get away from the fuss and so desperately wanted to be alone. Gaspard had extended an invitation for the few of us from the Inquisition to stay in the guest quarters at the Winter Palace to rest after the long day of talks, fighting, and politics. My mind wandered to the night Ari and I shared there together but I quickly had to shake it from my head, lest my desire run away with me.

As my eyes fell on her, it was quite a change from her more reserved self. I could see that she was more than comfortable with receiving the attention of her hundreds of guests. I suppose the queen would have to be. The Ari I knew before would be bored to death by it, but perhaps knowing the difference she had made for these people made it easier for her to spend hours entertaining their compliments.

Her and Abelas sat at the head of the room atop two gorgeous elven thrones. They were the vision of royalty. They both received their guests and spent a generous amount of time speaking to each of them. I politely tried to work my way across the crowded room, while my eyes were still set on the couple. Abelas, I suppose, was still objectively handsome even with the 20 years that had passed, creasing his face with lines of age. His hair had greyed somewhat but he still wore it in the same fashion, the sides shaven and the top braided back. As much as it pained me to admit, the two of them did at one point look well together. I could just imagine the two of them leading the rebellion against the Empire; two young elven heroes destined to take the throne because they were already loved by their charges. Abelas had earned celebrity with the Dalish because of his servitude as an Elvhen Sentinel and I was sure that his younger self had easily fit the role of the gallant hero to them. Before, he had a righteous energy about him. Now he seemed tired where she was yet vibrant.

Just like she had been in the dream.

I positioned myself in line and waited for the others to walk up to her and profess their gratitude and thanks to her majesty. It was truly touching, to see that she had so remarkably changed these people’s lives. She had never been anything short of remarkable, though.

The female elf in front of me shyly walked up to Arianne and whispered something to her. Arianne then proceeded to place her hands over the elf’s face, using the same spell that I had to remove her vallaslin. I peered around and noticed that hardly any of the elves wore the blood writing on their faces, excluding some of the older ones. It was curious to me that this queen should even know that spell as it was an ancient one, but I had many times before underestimated her.

The elf walked away, now bare-faced and smiling. I waited until her eyes fell upon me before walking up to meet her. I took a deep bow in front of her then reached for her hand, kissing it and holding my lips there as long as I could, taking in her scent. “Lady Arianne, a pleasure.”

I saw her eyes flash with a recognition of my voice and I realized too late that I should have called her by something other than her first name. When she spoke to me, her voice was the soft caress on my ears that I remembered it as, even with the hint of sharp suspicion. “Why do you not address me by my proper title? Who are you?”

“My apologies, my lady, for I do not know what your proper title is. It is no longer Inquisitor, surely. Most likely not Mistress Levellan seeing that your king sits at your side, you are married are you not?” I asked her trying desperately to keep the flirtatious tone out of my voice as much as I could, which was proving more difficult than I had imagined.

“To my people foremost, but yes. Do I know you from somewhere?” She asked me as her eyes scanned my face as much as she could over the mask.

“Perhaps I was a soldier from the Inquisition?” I said coyly.

“Perhaps? What are you playing at?” She cocked her head to the side, trying to find any hint of the man who stood in front of her.

“You haven’t changed a bit, that fire…” I could see that she was curious about me and who I was, but she looked over at Abelas wary that he had overheard. She leaned over to rest on the arms of his chair and excused herself from him with a quick kiss to his cheek. Watching her kiss him burned a hole in my nerves. I recognized that she could kiss her husband if she wanted to, but to me she was still my love and always would be.

She stood and walked past me whispering just loud enough for only me to hear, “Meet me in the hallway. Follow at a distance so as not to draw attention.” I allowed her to exit the ballroom before following her but I still found Abelas’ eyes watching me as I cut across the room. He didn’t look away, either due to the familiarity of my gate or because he saw something change in Arianne before she left and had watched as she spoke to me.

I walked out into the hall and peered around for her but she was nowhere in sight. I turned to continue out into the salon thinking she might be just around the corner, and then I heard her voice behind me. It was as if she appeared from nowhere. “Who are you and what do you want?” she snapped at me with the fierceness that had not faded even slightly. 

I could do nothing but simply smile at her coyly, I didn’t mean to provoke her but getting the rise from her, and seeing her brow furrow the same way it used to was such a delicious sight. I thought it odd that she could slip away during a party this large without guards falling over their feet to scurry after her. The fact that she was the queen of the first elven nation in hundreds of years, who no doubt had garnered the interest of more than a few enemies, I was worried for her. “Why do your guards not tend to you?” I asked, not hiding my concern very well.

She simply threw her head back and laughed at my question, as if it was a ridiculous notion that she would need protection. “You don’t know me very well, do you?” A confident sneer spread across her lips and I was left staring at her in awe.

Lest my smirk give me away, I urged myself to continue. “Ah, yes… Do these people treat you like a goddess because you seem immortal to age, I mean you look exactly the same… or is it because of your magic, your power? I did happen to overhear a story about you flattening an entire army of men sent by Gaspard to overtake your palace. Is that how you got the nickname one woman army ? Sounds a little pretentious don’t you think? Even for you.” At my teasing I thought the she would undoubtedly recognize me but she did not. Arianne walked closer to me and held her face mere inches from mine.

“Your eyes… I demand you tell me who you are.” She did not look away from me with her fierce gaze, hoping that I would break out of fear of her. It was obvious that she had become accustomed to everyone being afraid of her, and she couldn’t understand the reasons for which I was not. 

I thought of the throne that would suit her much better than this one. For years I had yearned to have her by my side, as a true goddess. It had been all I could think about. “My queen, it is hard to fathom how a mortal could come by such power. But no mere mortal stands in front of me, does she, Arianne?” Her name slid off of my tongue like sweet music.

“I’m sorry, I do not have the patience for your trickery.” She pulled away from me and started towards to ballroom, waving her hand and dismissing our conversation in annoyance.

As she passed my my shoulder, I whispered under my breath to her. “Of course, ma vhenan.” She stopped beside me at the sound of my voice and turned her head to look in my eyes. Her face was full of both apprehension and excitement as she leaned in towards me. She stood so close to me, close enough for me to pull her into my arms. All I had to do was reach out for her and I would again be able to smell her sweet scent. My entire body ached to feel her embrace.

“No… It can’t be…” Her brow furrowed with pain and I began to wonder if it had been a mistake to come to her. “... Solas?” 

The name she whispered to me, terrified that she was wrong, terrified that the hope building in her chest would be let down. I heard the breath in her throat catch as she struggled with how to respond to the man standing inches from her. Her chest rose and fell nervously and her eyes flicked back and forth, still afraid. The curves of her eyes saddened and I saw that she had thought about this for years, just as I had.

She reached her lithe hand to slowly pull the mask from my face, and the hood covering my hair fell with it. I watched as her eyes changed. They widened and scanned over my face again and again, connecting the pieces. She was smarter than to never have considered the possibility of my true identity. In the dream I saw her toying with the idea that I, Fen’harel and Solas could be the same person. Arianne simply had not wanted to believe it. For all she knew. the Dread Wolf was nothing but dread. The stories the Dalish told of me did not shed the most attractive light, but she would not yet know that they were written in ignorance.

Arianne seemed afraid to speak and when I stepped towards her she moved backwards away from me, slightly frightened. “You… are Fen’harel.” She told me plainly, as though she needed to hear herself say the words out loud in order to try to understand. I nodded to confirm her guess and her face flooded with fear. I saw the thoughts spinning behind her eyes, no doubt remembering the dream we shared. The god who seduced her, and the man she loved were one in the same. She shook her delicate head slightly at me trying to make sense of it all, and we both jumped as someone approach from behind me.

“Mother, why are you not in the ballroom? Father asked me to find you.” The boy passed in front of me to meet Arianne. Mother? How had I not known about this? I had seen from reflections of the fade that her and Abelas were not able to conceive children and I assumed that what I had seen was truth. 

The truth was made clear to me when the young man turned to gaze upon the stranger with whom his mother was speaking. His face was young, handsome, and he did seem to be just about 20 years old. As he looked at me I saw him also pause at the striking resemblance we shared. His dark hair was cut short, his eyes and mouth both curved in the same way that mine did. It was like seeing my own reflection. I was unable to keep my mouth from gaping open. I flicked my eyes to look at Arianne and her expression confirmed my guess. 

This was my son.

Arianne reached for the young man’s hand and tugged at it, urging him to face her. “Darling, please tell your father that I am unwell. I will retire for the evening and see the two of you at breakfast.” He nodded to her and left with another glance over his shoulder at me. Arianne watched him intently as he walked along back into the main ballroom. The second he was gone she walked towards me and hooked her arm in mine, hurriedly ushering me down the hallway and away from the guests.  
We traipsed down the hallway, took a right, then halfway down the ill-lit stairwell. She was obviously worried a guest or a servant might bump into us and question why their queen was speaking with some strange elf. She stopped to face me as we were on the stairs. Her eyes drank in my appearance as though she couldn’t believe what she was seeing, as though she couldn’t trust her eyes not to deceive her. I was looking at her the same way. We had both thirsted to be close to each other again but were doubtful it would ever happen. It had, before now, been only a sweet daydream played over and over to satiate the empty hole in our chests. 

Arianne traced over every feature as if to make sure it was really me, surely I looked different. I had altered my appearance while with the Inquisition for obvious reasons, and yet she had fallen in love with me anyway. She did not care that I had been older, without hair, and without the broad chest of muscle that I had now. Arianne had loved me for who I was, and I had shown myself to her unveiled. She was the only person I had ever trusted enough. I showed her the inner workings of my thoughts and heart, with the visage of the god removed. I had allowed myself to be vulnerable to her as a man and as a god. Ever since she has had this mystifying control over me, as though she understood me better than I understood myself.

Arianne briefly touched my cheek, like a child might trying to understand what they saw in front of them. Neither of us spoke, as we were both unsure what our reunion meant. Her husband, and her son, our son both sat in the ballroom down the hall. She had built a life without me and I loved her too much to cause her pain by dismantling it. At the same time, the agony of being apart from her was so unbearable that I would welcome death instead.

“The boy believes that Abelas is his father?” I asked her trying to keep my tone from sounding short. I was so taken aback by the surprise that I was unsure if I was overjoyed or devastated. My one and only begotten child was given to me by my one and only love, and yet I had missed out on twenty years. I never had the pleasure of seeing him as a little babe in his mother’s arms, or as a clumsy toddler learning to speak. 

He was nearly a grown man.

“Should I rather tell him that his father is the Dread Wolf?” She had recognized the disapproval in my voice and snapped back at me. Surely, it should not be hard to fathom why I should not want my son to also be taken from me by the same man whom I felt took my wife. 

I made a joke hoping to lighten her humor, I couldn’t have her thinking that I blamed her for how things had happened. “He would probably be most impressed.”

“This is no time for jokes, Solas… I’m sorry, I mean…”

“You will call me whatever pleases you, Vhenan.” We stood in silence a little longer, savoring both the joy and the pain that it was to stand so close to the one whom our heart craves. I tried to piece together my thoughts. “I’m unsure of what to say to you, only that I am sorry for not knowing… and sorry that I was not able to help you raise our son.”

“I feel as though my husband and I have done well with him.” Arianne said, defending Abelas for the care that he undoubtedly put into the boy. I suppose that I gave the man too little credit, for I was aware that he truly loved Ari and had been a good husband to her. She continued with less hostility. “Had I any idea where you were, you would have been told.” I knew it was true, too. She had Leliana searching all of Thedas, all of the entire world for me and she had nearly caught me twice.

“What have you named him?” I asked nearly breathless at the thought of my young son. It seemed like a hazy, strange dream that I would wake up from at any second.

“His name is Tamrian.”

Tamrian. Tamrian. I said the name over and over to myself in my head. It was a strong name, one used often in the nobility of Elvhenan. I wondered for a moment if it was Abelas’ father’s name, as it was tradition in Elvhenan to name one’s first born son after their grandfather. It truly didn’t matter, knowing would only deepen the sense of regret I had about being absent from the child’s life.

Arianne looked down at her shoes and fidgeted with her hair as I stood there gaping and rubbing my brow in wonder. I was happy at the news but also angry that this chance of a life had been taken from me because of who I was. What I was. I madly hoped that Abelas was smart enough to realize what incredible luck he had. 

He had everything I could have ever wanted, and everything I never even knew I wanted. 

I was bitter to the fact that I had only ever loved her, no one else but her. I knew I would be happy living out the rest of my existence laying eyes on no one but Arianne. I would be happy just knowing that she had loved me, once. Even if only once.

And yet, would that be enough? Would I be able to live with myself knowing that she did love me in the same way, in the way that our separation from each other felt more like the separation from one’s very heart? Would I even be able to walk away from her again now that we might possibly have a chance to love each other, to have a life with the other? The very thought of her not being in my arms at that moment was painful. I saw in her face that she felt it too, the pain of our dissolution. I was still her true love, as always. It had been made clear to me in the dream. 

For every thought she spent on Abelas she had spent a hundred on me.

 

“Where have your thoughts gone off to, Solas?” she asked. Arianne noticed my pensive gaze had fallen from her eyes down to follow the curls of her white hair. The darkness of the stairwell couldn’t conceal my thoughts from her. She had always known when I was thinking about something, even when no one else could understand me. Twenty years had passed and she still knew me so well, as if we hadn’t spent a minute apart.

“I respect Abelas for staying by your side, but you and I both know that I have never left your heart. I see it in those bright eyes of yours.” She began to interject but I stopped her, pressing a finger gently into her lips. “No, I need to say it… There was a time when I told you that I, myself, was your husband, do you remember? I had promised myself to you for the rest of time… regardless of what you chose.” I waited until she nodded her beautiful head slightly. She had never forgotten the promise, or the one that she made to me in return. I attempted to align my thoughts in order to continue. “Arianne, you still love me because your soul longs for its match. You crave one that is your equal, and for you there is only one. Our child… our son… It’s clear to me now, fate begs our union. Do you not see?” I ran my fingers through her hair and she was listening to me so intently. “Mythal’lin… daughter of Mythal, the only man that could give a child to you, is a god like yourself. Only I, Arianne.”

I watched as my words met her ears, and her features changed as she realized their meaning. “What did you say? I am not…” She snapped at me, urging an explanation. Her brow furrowed between her eyes in the same way I had seen a thousand times.  
“It took me a while to pull the pieces together, but I am not surprised that Mythal had never told you herself. She never was very sentimental.” I said. I had a long history with Mythal. We had been old friends once, and I had surprised myself by not recognizing the similarities that the two shared. She was like her mother not just in her face, but her countenance, her stubbornness, her drive, and her kindness.

Arianne was in shock of the news. I took her hands in mine and she gripped at them tightly as though needing the stability that they provided. Then suddenly footsteps sounded loudly down the hall from us and her eyes flicked up nervously. “You have to go, Solas.” She turned away and headed down the stairs, but I caught her arm before she could disappear into the dark corridor. 

“Vhenan, don’t do this. You can lie to yourself but you cannot lie to me, for I am the only one to ever have known your true heart. I am the first and last person you will ever love, and I am the only man you have ever truly belonged to. Say the word and I will leave you alone forever, but I know that cannot be what you want.” I should have been ashamed to have been made so weak by her; a god reduced to nearly begging at the feet of the woman he loved. She had been the only woman to ever affect me.  
She gave me a pleading look as the footsteps ushered closer. “No, that is not what I want.” Her eyes gleamed with tears as she whispered to me softly in elven, “Nadas, ir lath ma, Fen’harel.” My heart nearly broke to hear her tell me that she loved me, and to hear her call me by my true name. I heard the approaching figure round the corner towards the stairwell in which we stood, and I felt Arianne’s arm disappear from the clutch of my right hand. I turned back to face her again and she was gone. She had vanished in an instant from the dark stairwell.

I myself could have vanished under the cloak of a spell had I not been so caught off guard by Arianne’s sweet confession. It was too late, and the figure had come to stand at the top of the stairs quietly. I had my back to him, but the pit in my stomach told me who it was who stood behind me.

“What business do you have in the part of the palace?” He asked with a tone of suspicion, but as I turned my shoulders towards him, my face was revealed and his expression changed to a knowing look of dread. “Solas.” Arianne’s husband greeted me coldly by saying nothing but my name. He ignored entirely the fact that my appearance was more than a little altered. Very slowly he descended the stairs to halt at the step just above me. He looked me over, trying to make sense of me, a stranger now. “I suppose you’ve already had the pleasure of speaking with my wife.” Abelas said curtly.

“Indeed. We had a nice little chat.” I said keeping myself cool and reserved. I had for so long had mixed feelings towards Abelas. Sometimes I felt gratitude towards him for caring for Arianne in my absence, and other times I resented him for the exact same reason. 

“I’m sure the two of you had a wonderful conversation about the weather.” His sarcasm was telling of his discomfort at the thought of us meeting in private. He let out a heavy sigh and moved over to lean his elbows over the banister of the stairs, facing away from me. As he looked down over the edge, he spoke with a sad defeat in his voice. “So… you’ve finally come to take her away, have you?”

“You say that as though it was something you had been expecting.”

“I would have to be a fool to have not seen it coming, given you hadn’t gone off and gotten yourself killed. I have always been second to you, but you knew that already.” He kept his gaze over the banister as though he couldn’t turn to look at me. “She has cared for me deeply, I am aware. But I was never allowed completely in…” I watched as he shook his head and pulled in a steadying breath. “The deepest parts of her soul she left guarded because… she was always alone with you in her heart. Even in your absence I saw your presence in her eyes.” He paused and looked over his shoulder to search my face, as though waiting for the moment my countenance would falter. He pulled away from the banister and walked towards me, stopping a foot away. “I had tried for many years to shake you from her thoughts… but you never left her. I am old enough and wise enough to have realized that it can be sufficient for me to simply have done my part. I have tried my best to make her happy over the years. That is enough.”

“You are a better man than I, Abelas.” I told him honestly.

“Ah, that is for the gods to decide, my friend.” Abelas smiled at me earnestly but there was still a gentle sadness behind his eyes. He had raised a son knowing that it was not his. Arianne and I had last laid together in the Frostbacks and it terrified me to know that she had been carrying our son when we faced Corypheus together. I had to stop myself from wondering what would have been different if I had known. Would I have strayed from my duty and given everything else up? I shudder to think what state the world might be in today had I been so distracted. I would not have been able to leave Ari’s side. Abelas had done well with the boy and loved him as his own regardless of the constant reminder of his likeness to me. The reminder of the man his wife had always loved over him. Now that the child was older, it would be obvious to anyone whom had been acquainted with me, either through the Inquisition or otherwise, that he was indeed my son. He was my reflection in every way but one; he had Arianne’s gorgeous pale grey eyes.

Those eyes that had always so bewitched me. 

Worry had paralyzed me for years that she would realize that her love for Abelas outweighed anything we ever had. It was a selfish fear. If I truly was honest with myself Ari would have been better off without the pain of our love. But our impossible love was also impossible to escape. I would as soon forget Arianne as I could forget my own being. It was as though we were the same person. Our souls had been forged from the same cloth, and that cloth had been severed and forced into two different vessels. We would neither of us rest while the other was apart from us. We would both search to the ends of the earth to find our way back to the other. There was a reason I had never fallen in love with another woman, and I know now that it was because I was incapable of loving anyone but her, as she was so like my own, complicated self. Only the two of us can rightfully love each other because we are the only two people who can understand the other. Our love was like an unwritten law of nature.

Abelas shifted nervously away from me to stand back by the banister. He eyed me, intrigued by my appearance but not comfortable enough to ask. Then he approached a different subject as if just remembering he needed to ask something. “Solas, I was curious if you knew where she draws her power from. I worry for her and she refuses to tell me anything about it anymore… I fear she may be in danger of overwhelming herself.”

“She has not told you because she herself has not known. Not before today at least. It was actually in part my reason for coming here, she is not in danger. Arianne, in the plainest sense, is a demigod.” I attempted to be as vague as possible and I allowed a minute for the shock to wash over him, but he did not seem to be surprised by my news.

“So, is that what you are, then? A demigod?” Abelas asked. He would no longer allow me to be vague and callous. I was unaware if it was my appearance of youth that had led him to the conclusion that I possessed a power similar to Arianne, or if he had seen something else in the past that gave me away.

“No, in truth, I am Fen’harel.” I stated plainly.

He smiled and a small scoff escaped his mouth as if he thought that I was being sarcastic with him, but he realized quickly that it was not a jest. His face morphed almost to fear and I heard a hard swallow hit the back of his throat. I did not tell him to frighten him, I told him because it was actually refreshing to shake the facade I had played for so long. 

“Does Arianne know this about you?” Abelas spoke more quietly than before and his eyes were now widely focused on me, watching my every move and change in countenance.

“She knows everything about me. She has known for some time, I believe.” 

“This is why you left her? You had no choice and she knows that now. You know, this would have been easier on her if you were man enough to let her hate you. Instead you dragged it out and made sure she thought no ill of you. You could have left her with a clean break.” I had to admire that he stood up for Arianne so boldly, even to a man he just learned was a god.

“I know, Abelas. I tried.” I had done everything I could to leave her without saying goodbye. To make her hate me so that she could move on, but I was aware that she would have kept her anger towards me balled up in her heart and she never would have let it go. To lie to her or make it seem as though I did not love her would be to betray myself, my very existence. Arianne would agree that it would be better to know that I cared for her still, than to live her life believing that I had betrayed her. I could not stand here and explain these reasons to her husband. “I am sorry for any pain I may have caused you, Abelas. It was not my intention, as you can imagine, to fall so irrevocably in love with a mortal. Or… someone I thought was a mortal at the time. I still cannot fully understand the grip she has on my heart but it shakes me to my core. As inevitable as I feel it is, I am still made sorry for any unhappiness that Ari and I have brought you.” I told him, hoping that my apology and my true regret would sink in for him.  
“Ari…” he repeated the nickname with a thoughtful tone, that did little to hide the hurt behind it. “I had always thought that I was the only one to call her that.” 

I said nothing, for nothing I could say would make his pain any less. I could imagine the thoughts spinning through his head about my son, about who I truly was and who Arianne was. Or what we were. He had no doubt connected now that he had raised the son of a god, and that Tamrian was no mortal child. He would now also know that the reason Arianne had not aged was not just from having tapped into some source of unknown power, but that the power came from herself. 

She would not die, but he would. 

It was not easy news for a husband to hear about his wife. Sorrow was building in my chest as I watched him piece all of this together in his thoughts.

He spoke again, “We were friends once, were we not, Solas?”

I was surprised and intrigued by his question but nodded nonetheless. We had at one point been as brothers, before I was made aware of his feelings for Arianne and jealousy had demented me into hating him. 

Abelas continued with a tone of determination. “Then I will ask you a favor as a friend. A favor that I will not allow you to turn down… god or not.”

“Ask what you must.” I told him, and he continued on to explain his request.

 

# CHAPTER XXIII

### Solas

A year had come and gone since that night at Chateau Enansal and I had yet to leave. As unexpected as my extended stay had been, I also felt blessed by it. Abelas had that evening made a request of me that I refused to not uphold. For the months following, Abelas’ sickness had became more obvious to everyone at the palace, and gossip of it had even spread to Orlais. Arianne was determined to keep it from making her nation look weak and knew she could not do it on her own. Cullen still commanded her troops and was building an army to rival that of the late Inquisition. A new spy network had been built with the help of a Zevran Arainai, a bold Antivan and former Crow assassin. I was still not sure what to make of him and neither was Arianne. Briala’s spies kept close contact with Zevran which allowed information about Orlesian scheming to reach our ears before the noble’s had finished their evening wine.

Abelas and I had grown close over the past year. It was hard for me, as it was for everyone at the Chateau, to watch him deteriorate with his illness. I felt indebted to him for caring for both Arianne and my son in my absence. I was humbled by the gracious way he accepted my friendship and took me in as a brother might. He had the night of the ball told me that he had always known that Arianne would never truly be without me. At the time, I had thought them the words of a jealous man. They were rather the words of a man who knew that he faced death. His request of me had not been selfish. He had not asked me leave and never return. He had not asked me for secret knowledge of how to postpone his end.

He had simply asked that I stay as a comfort to Arianne, as a friend to help her endure her husband’s death. 

His request had made me question the man that I was, and I grew to see that Abelas was a man like no other. If you peeled back the layer of the pompous facade of his youth, you found that he was not so proud as he might seem. As it is with most arrogant people, arrogance is used as a cover to shield one from their own weaknesses. Arianne had seen this long ago, which was why she was the only one he had trusted to see that side of him. On his deathbed, his personality was more plainly laid out in front of me. I would sit across the room from him writing, and he would lay there and speak when he could. We spoke of many different topics, but none as often as we spoke of Tamrian. Abelas was so proud of the man he had become and spoke of it endlessly. He would come in to see Abelas often, but only briefly as he was made busy with matters of state. Arianne knew he would inherit the throne eventually and was doing well to prepare him for it. 

Arianne herself would visit her husband whenever time would allow. When I saw her enter the room I would pick up my writing and leave to allow them some privacy. Every once in awhile she would catch my arm on the way out and quietly ask me to stay. Those were the days I knew she was taking it the worst. They were the days when she needed my presence to give her the strength not to cry. She didn’t want to worry Abelas with her tears, but the second we reached the other side of the door, out of his line of sight I would pull her to my chest and let her soak my tunic with silent tears. 

When nothing else required my attention I would stay with Abelas, knowing that it made Arianne feel better. Her duty as queen kept her from his side, but it did not feel as a chore for me to stay with him. When he felt well enough, we would play wicked grace like we used to back at Skyhold with Varric, and when he didn’t I would read to him in elven. Whatever I could find in elven pleased him, even if it was boring historical accounts. He didn’t want Orlesian romances, or Ferelden tales of heroes, he wanted to hear the language that was his. He had joked to me one day when I was reading to him, “I had always wondered how you had learned to speak elven so well when no one else could! Who knew you were the damn Dread Wolf.” 

 

Arianne knew that Tamrian had to be told about me. I had taken him out to the garden one morning to help him practice his archery. The two of us warmed up our bows silently for a while, I was unsure of how to approach the subject. Before I could even formulate the words he had said, “I know you’re my father.” He hadn’t said it maliciously, but rather straight forward as if he just wanted to be done with it. The resemblance between us was undeniable and the boy was smart. If one could even call a 21 year old man a boy. He had seen enough of this world to understand that his mother and I were different. “I know you’re my father, but I… are you like mother? I have seen you use magic when we hunt and it is like hers. It’s old magic isn’t it?” He was so curious and confused about both me and Arianne, having compared us to the other mages he grew up with, or to Dorian or Abelas.

“You could say that, yes.” I told him with a sigh, knowing I needed to give him more but not yet sure how. “I know you have not known me long, and I must have you know why. I would never have willingly left your mother, or you for that matter had I known about you.” I saw in him the need that had been building to confront me, about me being his father and the painful confusion about why he had never known until now. “Your mother is the daughter of Mythal, which of course makes you a descendant of Mythal.” I paused to give him some time for the meaning of my words to sink in. His eyes that were so much like his mother’s, were filled with a mixture of wonder and disbelief. “That in and of itself is impressive, is it not? But you are both a descendant of Mythal and the son of Fen’harel. So it is no wonder why you have such a talent for magic.”

“Do you mock me?” He said taken aback by my news.

“I assure you, I do not.” I told him plainly. “I can see why it is easier to think that I am lying than to believe what has only been legend to you thus far, but it is the truth, I assure you. And the malicious Dalish tales of me? All untrue. Well… most are untrue.” My son’s face gleamed with the same unimpressed expression I had seen on Arianne’s beautiful face hundreds of times. 

“Do you still think me to be lying?” I asked him to which he replied to only with raising his eyebrows, something Dorian no doubt had taught him. I told him that he could either ask his mother or I could demonstrate it to him somehow. He, of course, chose the latter, to which I responded with a simple but no less extraordinary spell that froze all life inside the Chateau. We walked among the frozen statuesque figures and decided that we couldn’t waste a perfect opportunity for pranks. Tamrian put Dorian’s hair into small pigtails with pink ribbons while I stuck peacock feather’s into Cullen’s feathery frock of a uniform. I had always hated that uniform of his. 

We played some other well-meaning small pranks on the cooks and servants as they were frozen in performing their duties for the day. Tamrian had such a good heart, and preferred to do little things that would brighten people’s day and make them laugh rather than irritate them. I thought it was the perfect time to give Arianne back the necklace of hers that I had found. It was the one she wore at the masquerade at Skyhold, the delicate set of halla antler’s dangling at the end of a long chain. She had always used it for good luck in battle, as hope that she had Mythal’s blessing, little did she know she never needed it. I had found it at the Temple of Sacred Ashes after Corypheus died. I had put it in my pocket hoping to see her later, and when I left the note for her on the balcony I didn’t have the heart to let go of it. I could have set it by the rose, left it there for her to find, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. If there was to be a time that I would see her again after that, I knew of it not. I had kept it with me as a reminder to not lose hope, that even though my actions had cost me… everyone so much, they had still brought me to her. She was the ray of light in my life, the beautiful guiding force that showed me good from evil and hope from despair. 

I walked up to the woman I loved so much. She was frozen in the moment where she was addressing her council about any issues that had arisen. Arianne stood at the head of the table looking at her advisors, Cullen, Dorian, Zevran (whose adored Ativan leather boots we had taken and hid), and a couple other elven representatives. She looked so confident and proudly serene, so gorgeous. I opened her hand and placed the necklace in her palm, then folded her fingers over it, kissing her cheek lightly before walking away.  
Tamrian and I went to hide behind the door, peering through the crack in the middle as I lifted the spell. We watched, trying not to laugh as the advisors reacted to the hilarious appearance of Dorian and Cullen, and Zevran steamed around the room yelling about his boots with his thick Antivan accent. My eyes never moved from Arianne. The moment the spell had lifted she had reached her hand to touch where I had kissed on her cheek, as though she could still feel my warmth. I watched as her brow furrowed with interest about what was in her hand and she pulled it up closer to her face to stare intently at the object. A warm small melted across her features and she understood how it had found its way to her hand. She continued to smile smittenly as the others laughed and bellered about the room. I couldn’t help but smile, too.

 

Tamrian from then on was understandingly curious about what it would mean for him, coming from such an illustrious background. Arianne did well to keep him grounded and busy with matters of state. He already knew the importance of the responsibility he had, and had never been careless with his magic but I nonetheless spent time teaching him how to control it. He would develop his magic as Arianne had; the older he got, the stronger his magic would grow and if he did not know how to manage it, then it would be increasingly harder to keep in check. 

I kept Abelas up to date about Tamrian and had done my best to find more books written in elven. When we had read every book I could find, I resorted to telling him whatever stories I had committed to memory and also made some up. He didn’t seemed to mind as long as it was in elven. Arianne had become much more fluent over the years and she would sit and speak with Abelas and I. Abelas told me that Arianne had built him Chateau Enansal to replicate his childhood home in Arlathan, and it touched me to see how much it had meant to him. He had loved her so much, and he still did. He loved her enough to know that she would need me to help her through this, even if I had been a threat to their love for so long. He loved her enough to work past any anger he had to try to have a friendship with me, because he knew what it would mean to her. 

Another year crept by with each month taking its toll on Abelas’ health. He still seemed so young to be laying in bed dying, but I had to remind myself how many years he had actually been alive. He told me that he was happy with the life he had lived, that he wouldn’t have changed anything if he could. It was hard to hear him speak of his life as though it was already over. When I had left his room that night to head to sleep, I realized that I was going to take his death harder than I could have imagined. If someone had told me two years ago that I would be sitting next to Arianne’s husband reading to him in his last days, I would have scoffed at them and thrown them backwards onto their ass with the wave of my hand. If someone had told me that I would grow to love Abelas as though he were a blood brother to me, I would have laughed, but here we were. And here I was trying to hold myself together as we looked at each other. We both knew there wouldn’t be much longer. 

I stood to go let the others know that they should be by his side, but before I could leave Abelas caught my wrist in his weak hand. He made me promise that I would take care of Arianne and Tamrian. I told him that he knew I would, he did not have to ask. “Yes I know you will, Solas. My friend. I should have you know, I have indeed found a new name now. You told me in the temple that you hoped I would, and I have. Because of her my true name, for a long time has been something very different from Abelas, from sorrow. Any sorrow in my life left the moment she entered it. Please, give her the happiness that she has given me.” I squeezed his hand and promised him I would, then left the room to gather the others.

I had not known that they would be his last words to me.

 

I held Arianne’s hand as she wept over her husband’s body for hours, and when I had to pull her away so that they could take his body, I held her in my arms for hours more. Her tears came and kept coming until her body would make no more. She lay curled in my lap, unable to move from the pain she felt. When Tamrian had walked into the solemn, dark room to see that the man who had raised him had passed, an agonized yell had erupted from his throat. The sound made tears sting my eyes, and I watched as Dorian pulled the boy into an embrace, trying to comfort him and still his anger. Tamrian tried to push Dorian away, throwing his fists into his sides, unable to process the violence of the pain he felt. Dorian just pulled him in closer until the boy gave up, breaking into harsh sobs that were muffled by Dorian’s shoulder. Nothing any of us had been through could have prepared us for this. 

 

Arianne asked me the following day to address those who were at court and to announce the death of their king. We held a traditional Dalish funeral for him and I arranged for a grand marble tomb to be put at the far side of the gardens. Arianne had fallen silent and had left all the arrangements to me. It had been a long time since I had felt grief like this myself, but I was above all else glad that I was there to help her through this. She was the strongest woman I had ever known. She was fearless and brave down to the very core of who she was, but she had always been a slave to her own emotions, allowing them to cripple her if they had the chance. Arianne felt everything so deeply, loved so deeply, and knew loss so deeply that I had known from the moment Abelas told me he was dying that it would not be something she could get through alone. Abelas knew that too, and it was because of this that he asked me to stay. 

 

Thousands of subjects came to pay their respect to the king. His tomb had become a pilgrimage for the elven clans to make. They would leave flowers, letters, and gifts on the steps that led up to his grave. I thought that it would make things worse for Ari, but the display of love that the elves showed towards their late king warmed her heart. Arianne and I watched the pilgrims pray over his grave from a window on the top floor. “Abelas would joke and say that they are overreacting, but he truly deserves this. Their love. Without him I would not have come this far.” She spoke happily of him for the first time in the weeks since his death, and she could finally smile at his memory. 

I knew that it was time to tell her of his last words to me, and to tell her of the promise that I had made him. Arianne and I had an unspoken understanding that I would never again leave her side, but I knew his words would make the coming years easier on her. I told her that he had asked me to stay that night, and that he had known that he was dying long before he told anyone else. He had wanted me to be there for her but also for Tamrian. As I told her Abelas’ last words, she hung on them hoping to find a reflection of the man in them.

Her beautiful eyes had filled with happy, knowing tears. She knew how much he had loved her, I did not have to explain that to her. But to know that he was so selfless, and that he did everything he could to spare her any amount of pain possible, was what meant the most to her.

His dying wish had been her happiness.

 

# CHAPTER XXIV

### Solas

The years following saw Tamrian crowned as king of the elven nation that his mother had created. As time had begun to reveal that Arianne’s eternal youth was more than the effect of a powerful spell, suspicions rose about her true nature. Threats were hurled from Orlais and Ferelden out of fear that she had made a deal with a demon and was possibly an abomination. Her power as a mage both confused and frightened them, so they resorted to slandering her name and labelled her as a tyrant. In her graceful way, she allowed our son to ascend to the throne to take her place, backed by an army to rival that of the Chevaliers. The unrest began to quiet under his rule, but rumors amongst the elves bubbled about her and myself.

As I had become a permanent presence at Chateau Enansal, gossip about who I was had circulated. My likeness to their new king, and his unlikeness to his supposed father the late king Abelas, also undoubtedly stirred up the curiosity of my identity. They knew that I had helped Arianne defeat the blighted creature Corypheus when she was Inquisitor, but other than that I was a mystery. The obvious fact that we were both two times older than King Tamrian, but still looked as though we were his age would have alarmed anyone. 

Arianne had come to face the sad truth of our existence, that we would be forced to watch our friends age, and all eventually die. It was for this reason that I had always kept my distance and was cold to the people I met. I had never intended to fall for Arianne. I fell for her instantly but was consumed by the horrible idea that I would lose her one day. It was a demon that gnawed at my hopes, until it was made clear to me that she was no mortal. At that point I knew that I could one day reunite with her, and that day had finally come.

She began to move away from the trappings of a mortal, and looked towards what she could do to help her people as her true self, as a goddess with unmentionable power. At some point, the people began to see her for what she was, and they gave her the reverence any goddess deserved. We remained at Chateau Ensalan for a time with Tamrian to help him and give him guidance. He had appointed new advisors. Cullen had married some Ferelden woman and moved back there to be with her. Dorian had become the uncle who said inappropriate things at dinner, which was as could be expected, but he was like family to us all. With nothing holding us all together, most of our friends had moved on to live their lives elsewhere.

 

Thousands of elves would journey to Chateau Enansal to speak with Arianne; the living legend, their immortal elven messiah. She had somehow been granted more patience since the days of the Inquisition, and she spoke to them for hours everyday. She would listen to their struggles and their plights and took it upon herself to make changes for the better. 

Tamrian was a humble and kind leader of the people. With all the power he had, he knew that someday if a tyrant found their way to the throne it could cause unimaginable devastation to everything his had mother worked to create. He split the power up among the Keepers who led the clans living in the different areas throughout the Dales, even though it gave him less control. It had been Abelas’ idea, that once the new nation had found peace the power would need to be spilt to ensure that peace lasted. I was so proud of him. He had grown up to be an incredible man, and an even better king.

 

Time eventually forced us to move on from our life at Enansal, as the world seemed to find itself knocking on trouble’s door if it was not being babysat. It was a job I had done alone, until now. It had been a lonely and desolate existence. It was so unexpected to find someone I could love so easily, after thousands of years of caring for noone but myself. Arianne would forever be by my side in this. I would never be alone again, as had been my deepest fear for so long.

She balanced me in every way as I did for her, as water stayed fire’s wrath and as the land held back the breaking crests of harsh waves. She urged compassion where I saw only vengeance. I showed her the stability of knowledge, of wisdom when she felt broken by directionless emotion. We held each other through all the pains and hurt that came with watching time unfold unto from itself. We shared in joy and happy tears, and reminded each other of the beauty in the world. It was easy to forget the small, beautiful, fragile things in life. I was grateful that she was there to remind me of them.

Even with all her might, when I looked at Arianne I still saw the delicate sweet elf that woke up terrified by me as I had sat there, looking at the anchor on her hand. I still saw her atop her white horse in her Inquisition cape, so unknowingly beautiful, smiling back at me whenever she was sure that Cassandra, or Dorian or any of the others couldn’t see. She was the same young, and wild spirit that made love to me on the forest floor in the Frostbacks. She was the same Arianne Levellan that had accidentally stumbled her way into finding Corypheus’ orb, and also accidentally into her life-changing role with the Inquisition. It seemed to be left to chance that we would ever even meet, as I certainly had not orchestrated her finding my orb. She was a genuine surprise to me and that made her even more desirable. She was my equal, and one of the only things in life that I hadn’t given myself. Arianne had given herself to me.

One could ask, what could a god possibly be in want of? What could a god cherish more than life itself? What would a god even define life as? What happiness could be found to someone immortal and untouched by time?

Arianne was the answer to everyone single one of these questions. She was the purpose that I had been lacking for so long, the hope. She breathed into me new life and I was reborn because of it. One could ask how I went on so long without her there, without an equal, without a single friend to trust, and there would only be one answer.

I did not know.

 

I did know, however, that not a single force existed that could possibly tear us apart. 

And that, was the truest truth I knew.


End file.
